Can a husband be in love with his wife and have long term affair?

[Summerdaysandnights]

I'm not taking him back but he keeps saying he always loved me and always will... If so why did he have an affair ? We had regular good sex ( before of course I found out he had a mistress) It's over now between them .I always thought if you loved your spouse/ partner you wouldn't even dream of cheating, am I wrong ?
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Found the wife ^

Name changed - but yes OP, they can love both. But also in different ways.

I've been on both sides, in mine and DPs situation, he left his wife after a very long term affair (second life territory over several years), the moment I recognised I wanted more from it.

It was always on my terms and me saying I didn't want anything other than the casual convenience side of things. As soon as I did, he had his own house within weeks, let her keep about 70% of the other and filed for divorce. No kids, thankfully.

For what it's worth, the ex is more attractive physically than me, by conventional standards and even still is from what I've seen. But he loved (& still loves) me more than he loved being 'comfortable'.

Yes of course, they compartmentalise.

And it isn't that he was 'prepared to risk xyz' - my guess would be his thought process got no further than no-one finding out. As long as no-one finds out, there is no risk. (Obviously there is a risk because the affair partner could tell everyone ...)

My now ex H had an affair and said he never stopped loving me or being in love with me.

But that's not love.

That's a selfish, one sided, egotistical facsimile of "love".

If you love someone, you truly care about them, and you don't want to deceive or mistreat or potentially hurt them. You don't feel entitled to take their agency away from them. You don't treat them worse than you'd like to be treated.

I also agree with this. I think it’s possible to love two people at once. I think it’s possible to cheat on someone you genuinely love but I do not think you can cheat on someone you genuinely, wholeheartedly respect.
And if I was cheated on, it wouldn’t be feeling unloved that would make me end my relationship, it would be feeling disrespected and feeling that our family and the life we built together had been disrespected. I think that might well be impossible for me to forgive.

Yeah, I think so. I broadly think you can love two people at once, tbh. But I don't think that means you can betray someone you promised to love monogamously. The act of the betrayal isn't loving, even if he loved you anyway.

It's the wrong question for me. If my DH had shown such dishonesty, disrespect and sheer lack of character as to cheat on me, his feelings one way or the other would no longer be relevant. He'd be out.

Yes but “love” and “in love” are two different things and no way can you be “in love” with two people simultaneously. The feelings are too intense.

Are they 'weak' because they expect to get away with it?

Anyway, their partners aren't obliged to indulge their 'weakness'.

But if you love someone, why would you do something which you know will hurt them deeply if they find out, which they probably will?

Why would you say that? I'm sure you think you're helping but no

His definition of love would be very different to mine if he claimed to love me but cheated.

Please stop this train of posting. I made my choices. I know my life. Not that it is relevant but I have divorced him anyway. But really, respect that other people have other feelings.

I think it is a contradiction in terms. If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t have had the affair in the first place!!!

Ok enough now. Plenty of other people have shared their opinion. I'm glad you're leaving them alone but stop it now.

Name changed and new user name was readily available 😅
Yes I believe you can love your wife/ husband and have an affair. I had an affair over several years and so did my DH (not in an open relationship). We do love each other deeply and have a great marriage, great sex etc I don’t regret my affair. I am so happy to have had that experience. I would never tell anyone in real life as don’t expect anyone to understand, but you asked OP and yes you definitely can. I love and respect my Dh.

No.

I had a longterm affair. I said I still loved my husband but in reality, I didn't.

No, love is all consuming. If he loved you he wouldn’t have been able to conduct a romance with someone else. Best question to ask is what does he stand to lose/gain by being with you? House, family, reputation etc? And how was it discovered, was he in a situation where he was forced to be without his affair partner? People who are happy and in love don’t go looking for it elsewhere. His definition of “love” is very shallow it seems. He has regrets but if he could keep her and keep you in the dark that would likely be his preference

I think the fact 'love' is just a series of chemical reactions within the brain, then yes you can have this happen over 2 different people. C'mon let's be serious

True love, no, because real love requires mutual respect.

He can still have fondness but that is not love.

He's hoovering. Either things are not going as well with her as he had hoped they would or they are fine, but he just wants to cheat on her with you. So he wants you to be his backup plan/convenient side chick. Disabuse him of these beliefs by not responding to any of his bullshit at all. Completely ignore him.

How is it love without respect?

I think people tell themselves they do because they don't want to admit that they've lied and cheated. Subconsciously they think that by saying they still love the person they've cheated on that doesn't make it quite so bad.

They tend not to think of the anguish caused to the person who has been cheated on and certainly don't like to admit to themselves that they've caused this .

I love you but I lie to you, make you play by rules I'm no longer playing by, risk your physical health, risk your mental health, risk our relationship, take away your agency in your life etc. etc.

Sure sounds like twuu wuuv to me

@TornLimb
Excellent points and I agree wholeheartedly.