Can a husband be in love with his wife and have long term affair?

[Summerdaysandnights]

I'm not taking him back but he keeps saying he always loved me and always will... If so why did he have an affair ? We had regular good sex ( before of course I found out he had a mistress) It's over now between them .I always thought if you loved your spouse/ partner you wouldn't even dream of cheating, am I wrong ?
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Well, you've used two terms there which indicate different things to me - in love and love. I think if you're truly 'in love' you don't cheat because it's all consuming and you only want to be with that person but yes, you can love someone and have sex with someone else, of course. Not decent behaviour but happens all the time. He's probably now regretting his decision and thinks he can persuade you to take him back. Don't.

The best revenge is living well, as they say.

His version of love is lying, disrespectful and self centered, yours isn’t. It really doesn’t matter what he says, his version of love doesn’t align with yours.

I think some men are very good at compartmentalising. Unfortunately, actions speak louder than words. If he truly loved you, why would he hurt you like that?

Yes, definitely.

I had an 8 month affair with a married man.

He didn't just love his wife, he was very much in love with her.

He was also a compulsive liar and a compulsive cheat.

The two things are not mutually exclusive - especially for men of his mindset. He was masterful at compartmentalising different aspects of his life.

Obviously, this doesn't excuse a cheats behaviour or make forgiveness and moving on any easier for the wife.

I absolutely do think you can.

Words are meaningless arn't they.

i think the only person he loves here is himself tbh.

Well he loved you so little, that he was prepared to risk losing you, so not enough. I was cheated on many years ago, in a very short marriage. You do not risk the loss of someone you truly love, because it would be unbearable. I ended my marriage and never regretted it for one moment. Good luck op

@Summerdaysandnights - yeah-course they can.
until they get caught and/or dumped by ow.
then they step it up to tell you THEY ONLY want you.
trusts gone,shut door on way out.
sorry youve been go through this.it never doesnt suck

A long term affair, no. A one night stand or very short fling ( weeks), perhaps. Lying and sneaking around for a long period of time means that they’ve never had that wtf am I actually doing moment , I’ve made a really awful mistake. If they’d had that, the affair wouldn’t have continued long term.

You can’t be genuinely deeply in love with someone and cheat. Deep down I think people know this but like to rationalise because they stay with cheaters. ‘Oh but he loves me really. The OW was just sex’. Etc ad nauseam.

most of what people think is ‘love’ is actually just attachment. or they ‘love’ what the other person does for them.

Two thoughts. You probably can end up being in love with two (or more) people at once. BUT cheating on someone probably shows a selfish side that even if they love someone they wouldn’t worry about hurting them.
secondly, telling someone you love them after an affair (even if it’s true) is manipulative.

The majority of people I've known who've had affairs have been idiots.

Dim or lacking in one way or another.

@Summerdaysandnights

I'll go back to Charles' remark of "whatever 'in love' means". After all, he managed to 'love' two women, apparently. But he caused great pain to one of them, didn't he? I'm not saying Diana was faultless, but I think she had a better definition of 'in love' than he did, at least at the beginning.

So if you want to go by your exH's definition of love, sure he can. But I want someone who defines love the same way I do, and that doesn't allow for truly loving two women in the same way at the same time. And it doesn't sound like he can love you the way you want to be loved based on your definition of love, either. And YOUR definition is what it's all about, not his.

He could 'love you' as a friend, he could 'love you' as a convenience because you provided sex and 'home comforts' and he wants that back, he could 'love you' as the mother of his children (especially if he doesn't have a good relationship with them and wants to fix that). But love you with honesty and fidelity? With caring and concern for your well-being? Nope.

It’s quite possible to love two people at the same time.

Fondness and affection for a long standing wife doesn't equate to love if he's had an affair.

Alot of men do though. I think they can be pretty weak when it comes to sex elsewhere.

I know someone who would say he loves his wife but he's been sleeping with his first girlfriend for over three years.

My now ex H had an affair and said he never stopped loving me or being in love with me.

I am sorry you are going through this. It's crap.

I think loads of men can compartmentalise love (wife) from sex (mistress).

I have never met or heard of one who thought women could, let alone should, be able to do the same.

But not for the person who is flying solo in this equasion.

Love is reciprocal, flowing between two parties, add a third unknown, uninvited and unaceptable person then the union of two monogamous people and love no longer exists.

The care, love and protection which exists within an acepted contract of marriage is obliterated and is ended as soon as a third party has been allowed access into the union, the failure to protect, nuture, love and and be true has cancelled out love.

Love is not just a noun it is a verb, an action, an intention, a promise, a safe perimeter, it is timeless, it is forever.
That is love, too perfect and too hard for many, and too hard for many to understand but it is achievable and very feasable for some and it very much exists and is easy for some.
Love doesn't have a time limit, it is eternal, that is the only kind of love which keeps people true, but to have two people who want to understand love is rare, if only one party understands love then love dies, thrown away by one and forced upon the other.

You have to be extremely strong and vunerable at the same time to really love, two opposing qualities that many cannot align.

No they don’t love the wife or wouldn’t have even contemplated it. I found what the husband truly loves and misses is familiarity and knowing someone’s there to do the house work, wash the clothes and get food shopping in.
Even men who equally pull their weight at home miss someone to share the chores with rather than having to do it all themselves. That’s what’s they miss, all the perks, not the actual wife.

Some people's "love" is not worth having.

They are too selfish to truly love someone I.e. where they afford them equal rights and privileges in a relationship to themselves.

Anyway, I think the "I love you and only want you" omits a certain important word ....NOW.

I only want you now.

Until recently he most definitely didn't want only you ...hence his affair.

He wants only you now - after not wanting only you - either because he no longer has another option, or because he was forced to make a "choice".
(Obviously he doesn't have that choice, because you, entirely correctly, removed it.
But he still thinks he has a choice; he thinks he can work on you).

In general terms, of course if you've spent a huge amount of time with someone and been close to them and had their emotional support etc. - you will miss them, maybe he's expressing that.
When he had you, though - he was happy to betray you. He was happy to make you stick to rules he wouldn't stick to.

Ultimately cheaters think they're better, higher, more privileged etc than their partner. They are entitled to rights their partner is not.

But the lucky recipients don't have to share the person who does.

They can get a whole, live person of their own.
No sharing necessary.

I have a simple motto from experiencing a certain type of man in my youth "If you're fully not mine, I'm not fully yours".

One of them, a man with numerous women on the go (as is standard in his culture) said to me once, re. a man I'd socialised with who tried it on, "why did you tell him you have a boyfriend??!!".

I looked at him in confusion but didn't voice my thoughts which were "because I don't have a boyfriend".

@HazelPlayer

Or cheaters hold their partners to a higher standard of which they are not capable of themselves.

But your point of NOW is incredibly important, love is transient for cheaters.