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Original poster

Weekly Family Dinner with Ex

83 replies

FunnyCrow · 09/10/2024 23:10

I have been with my partner for a year. His ex is a nurse so works shifts which includes night shifts. They have a child together and share custody.
Because of her shift pattern, which seems to change all the time, my partner and I can't have a regular night together which I find frustrating.
She always has the same night off every week and my partner goes to hers for a family dinner with their daughter.
I've told him that I'm not comfortable with that arrangement but he told me I'm being ridiculous.
Because I never know when I'm going to see my partner but they have a regular arrangement, it makes me feel like I'm the bit on the side.
Am I being unreasonable if I ask for him to review the situation?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 09/10/2024 23:17

I'd reconsider the whole relationship. Even if the weekly dinner stops, the change in days for contact will always be an issue. It also doesnt sound like he would stop the dinner given his response when you raised it before.

Think very carefully about how you want your life to be. Feeling like the bit on the side is miserable

Rhaidimiddim · 09/10/2024 23:33

The one night off that he knows he can spend with you, he instead spends it with her?

No, you are not unreasonable in wanting this to change, and it is a big red flag that he would prefer to play Happy Families with his ex instead of investing his time in you. Throw yhis one back.

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/10/2024 03:12

I’m surprised you have put up with this for a year. Is he still in love with her ? Because I can’t see another reason why they continue with their weekly “family date “

LilyJessie · 10/10/2024 03:30

I think he family dinner is fine, it's important for the daughter she still feels that she belongs to a family.

I don't understand why a nurse doesn't know her shifts well in advance, she should do.

And I would think long and hard if this affects you, and it's ok if it does. But his daughter will always come first.

In saying that, it's totally fair to expect some element of structure for... And he shouldn't be belittling how you feel by calling you ridiculous.

MumChp · 10/10/2024 03:34

Rhaidimiddim · 09/10/2024 23:33

The one night off that he knows he can spend with you, he instead spends it with her?

No, you are not unreasonable in wanting this to change, and it is a big red flag that he would prefer to play Happy Families with his ex instead of investing his time in you. Throw yhis one back.

No he spends it with his child.

MumChp · 10/10/2024 03:37

Why don't you spend regular nights with your boyfriend? It one night he has dinner his daughter. Whar about the other 6 nights of the week?

NotMyMonkeysCicus · 10/10/2024 03:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SophiaJ8 · 10/10/2024 04:08

run

JamNittyGritty · 10/10/2024 06:08

He’s not prioritising seeing his ex - he’s prioritising his daughter having time with both parents, really lovely they get on well enough for her to still have family time with them on a regular basis. Frustrating for you to be sure, but with 6 other nights in the week are you not seeing him at all?

I say this as someone whose boyfriend spends time with his ex and kids too.

datcherygrateful · 10/10/2024 06:15

I don't get the point of family dinners- what is the objective of it? Because if the child is v young all it's doing is planting seeds of hope of reconciliation. Why can't you eat with them if the family is still family technically but looks different? If the lesson to be learned is that mum and dad can still get along, you don't need dinner for that. If it's to spend time with the kid, you don't need mum for that- if it's to play board games after- bring you along and have a proper go at it; but if it's just the three of them when there is a new partner in the scene? fishy.

OP, I was in a relationship with an ex whose ex was a nurse and my goodness did she make life difficult throwing her shifts in our faces and scuppering our plans. It was one sided and I left. And I know she was playing a game because she knew she could get away with it- after all, she used the child as an excuse.

Nurses know their shifts in advance. She using her kid as manipulative tool and your partner's boundaries are weak.

In my experience, leave him. It will only get worse.

ARichtGoodDram · 10/10/2024 06:23

You're uncomfortable already with how your partner chooses to deal with his ex and their co-parenting - walk away.

They've found a way that works for them and their child. Hes made clear he's not willing to change it. He's entitled to do that.

You're entitled for that not to work for you. Walk away.

Fahdidahlia · 10/10/2024 06:32

It's ok for you not to be ok with it. It also ok for him to do this and it sounds great that he is co-parenting successfully as this will make for a happier child, which in his case includes flexible contact and a family unit meal.

Fundamentally it is your choice. If you don't like it and this is a deal-breaker for you, please end the relationship as you don't want it to build further resentment and drag on.

Elasticatedtrousers · 10/10/2024 06:33

Totally ageee with last two posters. It doesn’t matter what mn thinks about the weekly dinner and time spent as a family, it clearly works for them. They are both happy with it and he is adamant that will not change.

He is prioritising this weekly meet for his child. If that doesn’t work for you then you need to leave as you are entitled to your feelings. As he is entitled to his.

Coconutter24 · 10/10/2024 06:36

You say he has shared custody so how many nights a week does he have his DD?

BananaGrapeMelon · 10/10/2024 06:45

I'd find this annoying too OP. Especially the fact that he called you ridiculous for raising it. Not sure this one is a keeper.

Original poster
FunnyCrow · 10/10/2024 07:11

The strange thing is that it doesn't seem to work for them. They argue a lot.

Because of her shifts, he never knows when he will be looking after his daughter and she doesn't tell him her shifts until he asks so we can't make any plans. I have children too. We do stuff altogether when we can and we spend time with each other with the kids there but there's no routine because her shifts seem to have no pattern or she changes them to suit her social life.

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting on with the ex but I'm excluded from their weekly family dinner and they also do family days that I'm not invited to. I guess our co-parenting styles don't align and so I need to move on.

Thanks for the responses.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 10/10/2024 07:15

Does he work?

Original poster
FunnyCrow · 10/10/2024 07:33

ZekeZeke · 10/10/2024 07:15

Does he work?

Yes he works full time so his daughter goes to breakfast club and after school club.

OP posts:
Original poster
FunnyCrow · 10/10/2024 07:34

Coconutter24 · 10/10/2024 06:36

You say he has shared custody so how many nights a week does he have his DD?

It's different every week depending on her shifts and her social life. She dictates the diary.

OP posts:
Original poster
FunnyCrow · 10/10/2024 07:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

No because I have children too. She let's us know her shift schedule and we get one or two nights together but we never know when it will be.

OP posts:
user1471505356 · 10/10/2024 07:47

Hi is being given the run around by ex any nurse will have mainly regular shifts out of choice.

FartSock5000 · 10/10/2024 07:59

@FunnyCrow run for the hills. This is not a man ready to commit to a happy, stable relationship because he is still tethered to his old life and clinging on to the broken family unit.

The ex will control him for as long as she can. You could be waiting years before he is ready to give you his full attention.

Cut your losses and move on. You deserve a partner who will actually want to be with you.

Single Dads who have weekly dinners with their ex partners are not really single.

It's great he is so involved with his child but he can do that in his own home and doesn't need to be pretending to be a family when they aren't anymore. That must be so confusing for the little one.

Let him go.

Mumlaplomb · 10/10/2024 08:56

She will know her shifts in advance. She’s choosing to give him short notice and he hasn’t pushed for advance notice so he can plan his own life around his daughter.

He’s at her beck and call basically.

This makes it very difficult for him to move on with another relationship but is within his control to sort out. The fact that he hasn’t set boundaries and got things on a more organised footing is a red flag for me.

Rhaidimiddim · 10/10/2024 09:37

MumChp · 10/10/2024 03:34

No he spends it with his child.

Show quote history

"They share custody"

So he doesn't have to do the family dinner to see his child.

Cardinalita90 · 10/10/2024 09:43

Tricky as it sounds like he's content with the shift unpredictability and family dinner set up. And even if he isn't, he's not doing enough to push for change. So you have to make a decision on that basis about whether you're happy to stay with him or not - you can only control your own decisions.

For what it's worth, if I had a predictable routine and so did my partner but we couldn't plan because of his ex, I'd walk away. Life's too short to be on a 3rd party's schedule.