Weekly Family Dinner with Ex

[FunnyCrow]

I have been with my partner for a year. His ex is a nurse so works shifts which includes night shifts. They have a child together and share custody.
Because of her shift pattern, which seems to change all the time, my partner and I can't have a regular night together which I find frustrating.
She always has the same night off every week and my partner goes to hers for a family dinner with their daughter.
I've told him that I'm not comfortable with that arrangement but he told me I'm being ridiculous.
Because I never know when I'm going to see my partner but they have a regular arrangement, it makes me feel like I'm the bit on the side.
Am I being unreasonable if I ask for him to review the situation?

See if he’s having her other nights I don’t see the reason he needs dinner with his ex, he can have dinner with his DD on the nights he has her. People will say it’s for the DD but she will have to get used to parents being separated

How old is his daughter? I'm inclined to agree with those saying that if he has shared custody, and has his daughter with him albeit on irregular nights, then there can be no need for a "family" dinner night. They're co-parents, not a family!! The ex is clearly playing a game, which isn't good for the child. He needs to man up and deal with the situation, and stop being manipulated like this. How long is he going to allow the ex to run his life? He needs to get a set schedule in place of when the child is with him, then if the ex's shifts change it's her place to deal with that, not his. If you're irritated with all of this now, it's not going to improve. You should be looking at where you go from here I'm afraid.

I've taken it that he looks after his daughter the other nights whilst her mum is working?

He's told you the way it is with his ex and their daughter and it's for you to decide whether or not you will accept it. I wouldn't be keen with this set up myself but is it a deal breaker for you? It would be unfair to keep him from dinner with his daughter on that one night a week, it's not about you, the ex, or even him! It's about that wee girl and obviously this is a way to keep having a meaningful relationship with her.

I just wouldn’t want my schedule controlled by someone else, personally.

I wouldn't want to be with a dad who isn't involved or who hates his ex.
I'd want an involved dad, the problem with that, limited time for a new relationship...it's tricky
Some people like planning at the last minute and likes the feeling of flexibility it brings, some people like to ore plan everything. Sounds ikey your bf is ok with it as he's not changing it. It also sounds like the weekly dinner isn't the problem , it's need to ore plan and feel like you're moving closer in your relationship.
Do you think he likes the fact this arrangement keeps you a bit at arms length length and is baked in security for it not to get too serious?
If it works for him but not you , it's you who needs to decide if you can adjust to it or not. If your children works or not.

She doesn't want him to have a life without her in it.

She must know her shifts about 6 weeks in advance, they might not be the same every week, but she knows them. Either that or she's an agency or bank nurse picking up extras when they become available which might be the case if she's skint. Lots of substantive nurses work extra shifts that are short notice because they're covering gaps, often last minute.

But she can say no...

The point is for the child to have a sense of family and not just two isolated parents that she bounces back and forth between.

A predictable, reliable family dinner every week on the same day is very healthy for their child. It's just up to op to decide if it's too much hard to handle.
Hopefully her partner will continue to have a functional healthy relationship with his ex and continue to work to create a sense of family for his child, and that will hopefully continue for a lifetime which sounds like it may be too much for OP, Which isn't unreasonable. We all have our triggers and things we can't handle, sounds like this just might not be the right relationship.

Sounds like he’s a decent dad trying to do best for his DD but his ex is calling all of the shots - probably deliberate game playing.

How old is his DD? Did he move on very quickly after his split or had they been separated some time?

Personally I couldn’t date on a schedule set by a third party at whim so it would be a hard no for me

I had a guy I was seeing who did compressed hours, Tuesday -Thursday and then had kids Friday -Monday every week.
We were so compatible and got on so well, he was the first person to really make me feel like I could be in a relationship. But the schedule was killer.
Going after work on Thursday, or Friday morning, coming back evening Monday - he has no time. We managed to have some Monday/Thursday dates and some late dates on weekdays after 9pm with 5am starts.
But as single as he was, he wasn't because this schedule meant his life was emeshed with his old life, and no time for a new life. (Even a wanted one).

It ultimately couldn't work, and it was sad because we both really liked, fancied and got each other. But it takes more than chemistry and feelings to make a relationship work.

And as I said, only you can know if you can make these unique circumstances work or not. But you don't get to change him, and his schedule you need to accept in to his.

The family dinner sounds lovely for his daughter and that is more important.

I would say we need 1/2 regular nights every week if this relationship is going to work for me. Don't worry about what the ex will do and don't take that as an excuse. Your BF can sort that out without you worrying about it.

Draw your boundary and that may prompt your BF to draw some with his ex.

I think this needs to be handled with some patience and diplomacy.

Clearly dinner with mum and dad once a week for the childs benefit is no bad thing. I get that it is for the child.
Not knowing her shifts in advance is just a bit of a power thing.

TBH you have a partner who is a regular active part of his childs life which is a bonus. It shows you he's a good man and committed to parenting.

The 'never knowing what night we can have a regular night out' is irritating, but resolvable.

As your husband to speak with his ex AT DINNER every week. Make sure he HETS the shift pattern so you can plan around this.

After a year/ 18 months both he and you know if this is a LTR thing, or just long term casual. I know exactly how you feel as I was in the same situation myself.

As long as he is committed to you and building a future with you and encouraging a relationship with you and his child, then you are just gonna have to Suck it up until the child leaves for Uni.
If.you want him to put you and your relationship before his child, that isnt going to happen.

The issue comes when him/ his ex/ his daughter dynamic automatically excludes you from birthday parties/ dance recitals/ parents evenings etc.

At some point the ex must.make room so that you can ALL take part in this childs life going forwards, or you are just going to feel like the third wheel.

There is no point , if he's spineless asking him. Grow a relationship with this women ( his ex) Get involved in step parenting. Ring her. Talk to her. Meet for coffee. Then YOU ask HER, so, let me know what shifts this week as I'd like to plan something with ( daughters name)... what 's happening this week ?
Or try " I've promised ( daughters name) to take her to XYZ, next week. Can you tell me what nights she's with Us ?

Keep the daughter at the centre of it all. If your partner doesnt see you as part of his daughters life he'll keep co parenting with his ex.
Once his ex no longer sees you as a part time, and actively engaged in her daughters life, she too will come round.

You will have to play the long game here.

THEN... you can schedule time for you and your chap, based on his ex schedule.

If.you cant wait and issue.ultimatums to any of these parties ( himself or his ex)... you are in effect moving yourself out of the picture.

If you want a partner who works regular hours and has no parenting commitments, he's not the guy for.you.

Honestly find a man without kids if this bothers you! I would absolutely hate this but it's fair enough on his part. You will never be his number 1 priority, a man without any baggage will make you his priority.

I'm a little confused. You say because of her shifts you can't have a regular night together. But you also say he just goes over one night a week, the same night every week. So are you annoyed he spends one night with his kid having a family meal? And you actually have 6 other nights?

no disrespect intended but as someone who has just finished doing shift work, I should imagine it’s more frustrating for her than it is for you!

i guess it’s probably about understanding that the weekly dinner is more for their daughter and actually I would see it as a positive that they have a good relationship as it says a lot about him.

She should know her shift pattern for at least 4 weeks in advance. Why isn’t he asking for her shifts and arranging childcare accordingly?

I bet if the Ex got a new partner the 'family dinners' (which must be confusing for the DC) would promptly stop

And how do nurses not know their shifts?

Dump this one

All this.

I respect but completely disagree. What is good for a child is seeing a healthy relationship and healthy boundaries, and clarity and consistency and honest communication about the new family dynamic. No one’s saying the ex and his partner can’t have a functional relationship. It’s great for the child if they do, but functional doesn’t mean recreating the past over Sunday roast. Healthy co-parenting isn’t about preserving the past but adapting to the future. The child is going to grow up with a warped sense of what healthy relationships look like. It sends mixed signals—are Mum and Dad together, or are they not? It creates confusion, and over time, the child may start clinging to false hope of reconciliation, or worse, struggle to understand why their parents are acting like a family in one setting but are clearly not in another.
This kind of blurred boundary leads to emotional issues down the line, where the child might grow up thinking that maintaining unhealthy emotional entanglements is normal. They might also start feeling like they have to ‘perform’ a certain way at these dinners to keep the peace, instead of learning what real, healthy co-parenting looks like.

and btw as the OP has said, these dinners are "awkward" so why bother?

This is another good point. If this was a couple arguing in front of their child and it being awkward everyone would say it was healthier to split and co parent effectively. If they don't have a healthy co parenting relationship at these dinners it's seems a pointless exercise, as the child isn't benefiting from them.

Crock of shit. Said by Nurse of 27 years.

So you are jealous that he is choosing to spend one night a week having a meal with his daughter and his ex? I presume this is born out of insecurity that he still loves her? Can you not see that he is doing something lovely for his daughter? I don't think this relationship os right for you. Nurses usually have their rota 6 or so weeks in advance and not that many have a set shift pattern.

I would want to enquire into why she doesn't know when her shifts are-don't nurses know-barring emergencies?

But the family dinner on its own wouldn't bother me. Excellent for the child.