Weekly Family Dinner with Ex

[FunnyCrow]

I have been with my partner for a year. His ex is a nurse so works shifts which includes night shifts. They have a child together and share custody.
Because of her shift pattern, which seems to change all the time, my partner and I can't have a regular night together which I find frustrating.
She always has the same night off every week and my partner goes to hers for a family dinner with their daughter.
I've told him that I'm not comfortable with that arrangement but he told me I'm being ridiculous.
Because I never know when I'm going to see my partner but they have a regular arrangement, it makes me feel like I'm the bit on the side.
Am I being unreasonable if I ask for him to review the situation?

Spot on.

Nope. This wouldn’t work for me.

Disagree. Has to be in the best interests of the child

His ex’s shifts may vary week by week but she’ll know in advance and needs to tell DH so childcare can be planned in advance. Something odd here; someone is not being open.

They have weekly dinner and family days as well, and you're not invited to either? How often are the family days?

What are your work patterns and your children's activities like? Are there fixed days and times that would suit you to see this man as a couple or with your family?

Does his ex know she is an ex or does she think they are on a break and working things out?

If he wanted to he could make a much more formal arrangement for custody via court and would give an element of stability and certainty to the situation.

Is he happy to be at her beck and call, there is no need for it?

There’s no way you should expect to intrude on the family dinner, why on earth would you want to? Whether or not a weekly dinner with your ex is necessary is another thing though…..

Has his ex moved on?
I am not sure I would be interested in a partner who wants to still hold the family unit with an ex. It’s a bit fairytale for the child involved and is not a long term situation that is working both parties are to move on.
it’s not jutting the daughter first, it’s giving false hope and lacking full commitment to the OP.

You need to reframe this in your mind. He doesn't spend the evening having dinner with his ex, he spend the evening having a family meal with his child.

I have a similar arrangement with XH. It's not for us, it's for our DD. I know that I don't particularly enjoy the evening, and I don't think XH does either. But we know that it's important to our DD, so we put on our game faces and get on with it. I imagine it's a similar situation for them, and it's good that he's prioritising his child. Would you want to be with a man who didn't?

The family dinner wouldnt bother me. As long as they are having honest and open conversations with the DD so she isn't expecting a reconciliation. I think its ok for them to be there one night a week together for their DD. And assuming this has been going on since before you met him? Then sorry you have no right to ask him to stop.
The issue you have is your DP could choose to sort this out, but he doesn't want to. Why cant he ask for her shifts in advance? Or get a court order in place for set arrangements? He's happy with things the way they are. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker or something you are just going to have to go along with. But at the end of the day he doesnt need to change anything if he's happy with the situation.

His child is more important, which is how it should be.
My parents split up when I was young and we would have dinner every week with both of them. Even as an adult I still love being able to spend time with both of them together.
If you don’t like it then you should break up, but don’t expect him to stop the dinners.

This. What ever PP have said, you are entitled to know, that one night per week, you can plan to do something with your partner (without their child, especially as mum has a definite one night a week off@v). If this wish is dismissed, this is not the relationship for you.

Just to offer the other side here…

I coparent with my ex. We have dinner as a family once a week. We’ve been separated since DS was a baby, he’s now 8 and knows there will be no reconciliation.

The purpose is so that our son knows he is part of a family- our family “line” is that “mummy and daddy aren’t together, but we are all still a family”. And we mean that. It’s not romantic, at all. We want DS to see us being kind to one another, that we respect each other, and to understand that he is our shared priority.

Family dinners aren't confusing for children. My parents did this growing up and it was great. It taught me that they are my family, even if they aren't together. It also layed the groundwork for my adult life. It's never been awkward to invite them both to graduations, birthdays, anything. The family dinner is one night that set me up for life knowing that I had a family, that they loved me and would always show up for me, whether they're a couple or not.

I could never with a clear conscience take that away from a child just so you can have your boyfriend to yourself.

Having said that, the schedule thing is a power trip. She should know it advance and he should get a night a week that he knows is free.

Are you doing get together with your kids and him and his child after only a year?

I think the dinner with child and both parents is great and they should keep it up. The child's parents have split up and she's in clubs before and after school and mum works shifts. Priorising some familiarity and stability for her is a good thing. Especially if she's also got dad's new girlfriend and her kids in her life.

Does your partner work OP how does hr manage this? I'm a nurse and I asked for set days due to childcare for that reason as my ex also worked. Could she do like a set working pattern if not weekly then even monthly so you know in advance? I understand how it must feel annoying i guess the only option is to embrace the family and spend time with him and dc together if your at that stage. For what its worth im a single parent now as my sons dad doesn't bother so I get no free nights alone with my new partner as I have no family support 😅could be worse. The dinner with the ex thing i would feel uncomfortable and to be honest maybe a bit jealous about but I am aware some people do this. I would struggle with that one but it probably is innocent but we are human and can't help how we feel. Hes dating you I assume they have been separated a while and it is all in the past

It's weird. They're not a family anymore, so why are they pretending to be? Especially as you say they don't even get on.

I'd leave him to enjoy the mess he's making to be honest and move on with your life.

This is so directly opposite to how I feel about my relationship with ex. We are absolutely not a couple. There is no romantic or sexual interest. But we 1000% are a family still. We became a family when we had DS together- and though our romantic relationship ended a long time ago- we are still very much a family, and always will be.

ofc this isn’t possible where there’s been abuse etc- of course not- but our relationship ended for different reasons, so we’ve been able to work to build an amicable platonic relationship, safely, that we all benefit from.

You're entitled to see him as family but to a child that's really confusing.

DH's family is me and his 2 daughters. His ex's family also includes his daughter but that's not his family and it's definitely not my family.

SD has two families. DH and BM are as civil as possible but at the end of the day they have one thing in common, which is their daughter, and they don't need to act like a couple, going out for dinner and days out, to manage that relationship.

I’m genuinely glad your parents managed to attend your big life events civilly, but I highly doubt that’s solely down to a weekly family dinner. Graduations, birthdays, and other milestones don’t hinge on sitting down for spaghetti Bolognese once a week—it’s about mature co-parenting and clear boundaries. Plenty of separated parents who don’t play house still manage to show up for their kids at important events because they’ve established a healthy dynamic.

To reply to the other posts on here:

The idea that a child can only feel loved and supported if their parents have dinner once a week together doesn’t make sense to me. Real security for a child comes from seeing their parents respect each other, manage their differences, and adapt to the new family structure—not from recreating old routines that might confuse them in the long run.

If the relationship between the exes is respectful and healthy, they’ll manage graduations and birthdays just fine—whether they have a set dinner every week or not. It’s emotional maturity, communication, and setting proper boundaries that lay the groundwork for those big moments, not a dinner routine.Plus, there are grand parents,cousins, that's a family, a network of support-the kid is not isolated, but just the three of them? delusion. My two cents? The father is a Disney dad riddled with guilt, the mum is manipulative and weaponising the child. Both underestimate the resilience and the perceptiveness of children.

If the child is asking for family dinners, there is an underlying issue of lack of emotional security regardless right? because if the kid really feels emotional secure with mum and dad they won't need Fajita Fridays. But, if the child is feeling a little insecure, and insist on family dinners, surely that means something is lacking and they are clinging onto the past- like surely something is off with the co-parenting?

If it was the parents idea and they are pushing it then they're really making it about them because like the OP said the dinners are awkward- they're trying to tick boxes but are creating problems rather than moving forward and adapting.

And also, is 'the family' only ever going to be the three of them? What happens if the mum re-marries?

You can be a family and feel like a family without the dinner and without shafting new partners.

Ultimatum here he cannot expect you to spend the one night you could be together on your own. TBH his ex should look for alternative child care not expect your DP to carry on as if they were still together. Most child care us shared so many days each week but looks like his ex is taking advantage. You need him to step up or leave.

The family dinner is a red herring , the real
issue is that there isn’t a set schedule for contact because his ex is controlling things to suit her . Your DP isn’t going to address that , maybe it’s too soon after just a year with you to start that battle . Maybe when you are thinking about moving forward he might know he needs to address the irregular contact and talk to her about it , maybe he won’t . The important point is that it’s upsetting you , the best advice is to talk to him about it and then decide whether you want to wait around or not . I’m guessing if you had a predictable set up and knew when you were going to see him you probably wouldn’t mind the dinner quite so much ?

Suppose it depends how you define family 🤷‍♀️

My blood family are largely awful, some outright abusive. I haven’t seen my (absent not abusive) father for 20 years.

On the other hand I have very close friends, where their parents have become my de facto family, friends who are aunties and uncles to our son in a meaningful way - not just “call her auntie sue, not just sue” sense, friends who would become my sons legal guardian if something (god forbid) happened to me and his dad….

Family isn’t just about blood or bits of paper for me. It’s about love, support and a group of people who want the best for one another.

So if my ex and his girlfriend become more serious, and she starts to have a hands on role with our son, of course I’ll see her as family! She’ll be my child’s stepmother- why wouldn’t I want her to be part of my family unit?! And if they have a baby, of course I’ll consider that baby part of my wider family too.

I know not everyone sees it this way, but we do and it works for us.

To be fair, I didn't say it was the only way to do it. But I do think it's an effective and easy way. You say that security comes from seeing their parents respect each other, manage their differences, and adapt to the new family structure. But when? If the parents don't sit down ever together for something like dinner, when does the child get to see this?

It wasn't playing house. It was eating together with family (real family - not play family). Do you think a dinner with grandma once a week is playing house, too? Of coure it isn't. Dinner with extended family is normal, there's nothing fake or confusing about it if handled properly.

Children enjoy spending time with the people they love at the same time. It's not weird to give a child opportunity to spend time with both of their parents.

Plus, there are grand parents,cousins, that's a family, a network of support-the kid is not isolated, but just the three of them? delusion

In my case, yes. My parents were immigrants and back then flights were very expensive. I really did only have my parents and siblings. But I admit that's unusual and it sounds like that isn't the case for the OP. I'd never thought about it before, but I suppose our isolation from any close family probably did play into my parents' conscious effort to give my siblings and I a sense of family.

Totally agree. The family dinner is by really the issue, it’s the fact the ex seems to be calling all the shots to suit her and the bloke is just rolling with it fir a quiet life rather than addressing the issue with a more formal arrangement or insisting on knowing his free days in advance.

Tbh OP you have a DP problem rather than anything else

There's a difference between your nuclear family, i.e. in my case, my husband, my daughter and my stepdaughter, the people that make up my household, and my wider family, ranging from close friends who I see once a week, to my brother who I see maybe twice a year and have a phone call with every other week, my Mum who I talk to daily, and so on.

I have exes who are close friends, but I wouldn't find it appropriate to meet up with them without my husband and any partner they might have. It's about having boundaries, prioritising your current partner over an old relationship, and demonstrating to your child that you can split up and move on.

I'm glad you get on with your ex, I hope you get on with any future stepmothers, but I think it's highly unlikely they'll consider their husband's ex to be "family" and would probably consider that to be a bit needy and strange.