Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Weekly Family Dinner with Ex

83 replies

FunnyCrow · 09/10/2024 23:10

I have been with my partner for a year. His ex is a nurse so works shifts which includes night shifts. They have a child together and share custody.
Because of her shift pattern, which seems to change all the time, my partner and I can't have a regular night together which I find frustrating.
She always has the same night off every week and my partner goes to hers for a family dinner with their daughter.
I've told him that I'm not comfortable with that arrangement but he told me I'm being ridiculous.
Because I never know when I'm going to see my partner but they have a regular arrangement, it makes me feel like I'm the bit on the side.
Am I being unreasonable if I ask for him to review the situation?

OP posts:
HappyToSmile · 11/10/2024 12:01

The weekly family dinner seems fine. It's a nice thing to do if they can and we're presumably doing before you came along.
However, surely she has some idea what shift she's on / days off she has further in advance. All thr people who work shifts I know *including myself, may not know the exact hours, but will know if they are working am/pm/off. Plus she presumably does get more notice if they are still going on planned family days.
You're not wrong for feeling as you do, but it might just need that this isn't the relationship for you

Gonk123 · 11/10/2024 12:42

FloatyBoaty · 11/10/2024 10:19

This is so directly opposite to how I feel about my relationship with ex. We are absolutely not a couple. There is no romantic or sexual interest. But we 1000% are a family still. We became a family when we had DS together- and though our romantic relationship ended a long time ago- we are still very much a family, and always will be.

ofc this isn’t possible where there’s been abuse etc- of course not- but our relationship ended for different reasons, so we’ve been able to work to build an amicable platonic relationship, safely, that we all benefit from.

Show quote history

Are either of you in a new relationship…how does that work?

Coconutter24 · 11/10/2024 13:00

GivingitToGod · 11/10/2024 09:02

Disagree. Has to be in the best interests of the child

Show quote history

If that’s how it would work for you then fair enough but I wouldn’t. The child sees both parents separately so I wouldn’t do a weekly dinner together, parents live a separate life and of course may come together for special events etc but not a weekly dinner. Circumstances change over the years and if they was to do this for the first 10 years of a child’s life then stop for whatever reason that will be hard on the child. Everyone will have different opinions on it.

MuffyFluff · 11/10/2024 13:36

I don't think there's anything wrong with the weekly dinners, I have a similar thing going with my ex. But if it doesn't work for you, then that's OK, you don't have to put up with anything you don't like.

In regard to the ex not knowing her shifts, everyone here seems to be assuming she has a substantive post. She may well be an agency nurse, and I can tell you that, if that's the case, unless she is one of the lucky ones that get block booked, she won't know her shifts from one week to the next.

It's hard being a parent and working full time, and even harder when parents separate and then bring in new people into their families, it's hard to navigate for everyone. It's all about compromise, and if he won't compromise on this particular thing, then you'll have to, or you'll just have call it quits.

Hope you manage to sort something out OP.

Leadan444 · 11/10/2024 13:37

I think the fact that he invalidated your feeling over the dinner is a huge red flag. I'd seriously reconsider this relationship. I doubt he'd be ok with it if it was the other way round. I've been in a similar situation with an ex and it didn't end well. When you have a partner you have a responsibility to consider their feelings.

thebestinterest · 11/10/2024 18:23

Having a weekly family dinner with an ex, when you are in a relationship with someone else is very much OTT.

I would not stand for that, tbh. If your “partner” is gaslighting you saying you are the one being ridiculous, then you need to find the courage to end the relationship because that’s just ridiculous.

I work alongside many nurses myself, so her job has nothing to do with this.

thebestinterest · 11/10/2024 18:25

It’s not uncommon for medical profesionales to have variance in their work schedule. Yes, they know in advance when they will be working, however, what days they’ll be working can change.

Findinganewme · 11/10/2024 18:55
  1. I would feel sad, in your situation as you are excluded.
  2. he is presumably prioritising his child and this makes sense. You probably knew this before you entered this relationship. It is unlikely to change.
  3. Why don’t they have a formally agreed set of dates that the ex has to adhere to, via the courts?
  4. it makes sense that you aren’t invited on family dinners and family days out, since you are not part of his daughters family (you aren’t married to her dad). Also, you’ve only been together for a year.
  5. it does not feel ok to me, that your partner does not have regular time with you. Maybe he’s not ready, able, competent enough to manage his time and priorities properly.

i think that you’re right to move on. You and he don’t seem aligned and it’ll only get worse/ become harder.

Good luck.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread