Is lying about their kids ages a red flag in dating?

[Healingsfall]

During the initial talking on the dating app he told me his kids were 9 and 12. Mine are mid teens so I thought oh that's OK, his aren't super young young.

Went on a first date and kids got mentioned to which he said his were 5 and 8. 🤔 I didn't say anything then because I thought maybe I'd got it wrong, and I wasn't going to get the app out on the date to check.

When I got home I looked at our conversation on the app and he definitely wrote 9 and 12! 5 and 8 is very different to 9 and 12 especially as mine would have both left school by next summer.

I asked him to clarify and he said worried it would put people off him if they thought he had younger kids... but surely he must realise they will find out! In fact he clarified his youngest has only just turned 5 last week so just started school.

Is this a red flag or just a legitimate reason as it puts people off and so won't give the person a chance?

Seriously would send him an honest text.

"Hi...unfortunately your lie about the ages of your children has stopped me in my tracks. I already know I can't rely on what you say so it can't go any further.
In other news, you were good company. I think it would be better for you to be upfront with future dates. Good luck."

Not lying to you is a pretty basic boundary. Hard pass.

People would write him off for good reason though if that's not what they're looking for? Someone having young kids is hardly a temporary blip you can just tolerate, it would effect your relationship greatly!

Would it be better then to meet him, really like him, become involved, and say sorry I'll happily see you but your kids meh, I'd rather not. Any good man would want to meet a woman who embraces their young children, not ignores them.

And there ain't a large pool of irresistible, stud like men out there who are so wonderful you'd drop your preferences for to be with them! 😆

OK no need to get aggressive. I was just saying that sometimes the perfect people aren't always the ones in the right situation. But of course you're right!

He probably has 4 kids, aged 5, 8, 9 and 12😂

It's not about someone being the perfect person in the right situation, this is about the baggage someone brings, and young kids are certainly baggage that would effect the relationship and its dynamics. It's hardly like say, someone is shorter/taller than you'd hoped, this involves the lives of young kids who's dad's partner doesn't see them as a massive inconvenience with no interest.

This is excellently put. Lying about his children’s ages so anyone who WAS put off by that (and that isn’t unreasonable) would have already spent time and energy getting to know him and meeting up before he…what? Subtly dropped in the truth when you were so wowed by him you’d forgotten your own considered parameters? Thats such a hard no.

Its shit for you, dating is hard, but I would put money on him having some serious issues around respect and integrity.

Exactly this. Then say you met up and did click with each other, he'd think great it worked, I knew by lying about my kids ages she'd actually not write me off when she met me!

Then months down the line moan when you say "sorry I'm happy to spend time with you but I'm not interested in going to (insert child friendly hell place) with your kids as I'm well past spending my weekends/annual leave doing that stuff.

And that's the point. When people have young kids, those kids need to be considered and if you're not interested, then you're not interested, it doesn't matter if he's amazing... he comes as a package.

💯 OP

we aren’t 16 and in a teen romcom. If you are in a relationship with someone with kids/a job working shifts/the need to travel long haul several times a year to see family etc etc - then you know that love doesn’t conquer all and that there are things that just won’t work with your fully formed life.

I think the (albeit not necessarily consciously articulated even to himself) thought process is:

'I'll get more dates & therefore more sex if I don't admit how young my kids are. I can definitely keep quiet about it long enough to get laid & move on to the next woman.

& if I do meet The One, obviously she'll be crazy enough about me to forgive me for a teeny fib.

& if she's not okay with it, why then I'll have dodged a bullet! Otherwise I might have ended up with some awful unreasonable woman who wouldn't let me get away with doing exactly as I please & lying about it whenever it's convenient to do so! Can't be having any of that nonsense...'

IME many men are generally of the opinion that it's better to ask forgiveness than seek permission.

This one's obviously also too dim to keep on top of his lies even for one date.

"IME many men are generally of the opinion that it's better to ask forgiveness than seek permission."

This needs to put on some kind of plaque somewhere! ✔

I grew up with an absent father as he always put his nob women before his kids. I barely saw him, and the women he chose generally weren't interested in us at all, so we suffered.

It's a shame more men didn't either try and trick women into dating them by lying, or not go there when the woman has said she's not interested in young kids. But they don't because they want sex, and the kids suffer because of this.

Major red flag!!

I would tell him that his kids ages aren't an issue however the fact he's lied before you've even had your first date is. Wave goodbye to that man and never look back!

Is he right thou by what he said? Would you have gone on the date with him if he'd been honest? Sounds like you'd not have gone out with him if you'd have known.

Maybe he's had alot of knock backs once people have found out their ages. Especially older women because alot of kids would have grown up or be older. Like you say yours will have left school, it makes a huge difference to life once that happens.

I hate liars, and normally id be like no. but he did mentioned their real ages once you'd met. He didn't keep it going for weeks and then told you. Do you like him? If you do and you're ok with the kid situation just make it clear that any more lies won't be tolerated at all and it's the truth all the way.

He could be an amazing man who's just made a bit of a mistake.

Is he right thou by what he said? Would you have gone on the date with him if he'd been honest? Sounds like you'd not have gone out with him if you'd have known.

And she has every right to make that choice. As do the other women before her who decided that they do not want to have a relationship with someone with primary age kids.

Oh, and don’t forget - he didn’t consciously explain the ages when they met - he forgot he had lied and told the truth by accident.

I'm not sure if I would cut him loose on the grounds of stupidity or dishonesty but I would cut him loose.

Well indeed. And she's stuck by that so he's a timewaster. People don't owe others a date. It was a nuisance when someone lied by omission or comission about something like children. I politely had on my profile I didn't want a partner with kids so it was very clear it was dealbreaker. there was a lot of this shit and dating takes time and effort, even the chatting stages.

Height was annoying if very noticeable. That said, I can sympathise with wanting to game the apps a bit if not the required 6ft for men as it's so arbitrary but still don't like outright lies. I didn't mind rounding up a bit as I don't carry a tape measure but at least you can decide on the spot if there's an attraction. Age, kids, kids ages, marital status, other details can't be seen up front so I don't see as quite the same.

The thought shouldn't be "she won't go out with me if I have little kids so I'll lie", the thought should be "I don't want to go out with her because she doesn't want to entertain my kids so that in the long run would be bad for my kids".

@NNikki8762
It didn't come across like that on the first date, as in he hadn't decided to confess. It was more talking about his kids and I said "and they're 9 and 12?" to which he replied "no 5 and 8....". He didn't then say oh sorry I know told you they were older here's why... he just brushed over it most likely in hope I wouldn't mention it again. I didn't want to say anything then in case I was wrong or give him a change to delete to OLD chat. But when I got home I looked and he had lied. When I asked him, only then did he say oh i thought it might put people off.

If I hadn't of mentioned the lie he most likely wouldn't have said anything thinking he'd gotten away with it.

How about you date the liars then and leave those who have higher standards to do what they wish?

Of course it's a red flag.

I would run away fast!

Bin him.

So true, in the end I told my ex dh how I knew he was lying - he was opening his mouth! He'd even lie that the fish fingers were chicken fingers!

My husband is 53 and he keeps getting women trying to chat him up. Mind you, he does tell people he identifies as 35.🤣