Is lying about their kids ages a red flag in dating?

[Healingsfall]

During the initial talking on the dating app he told me his kids were 9 and 12. Mine are mid teens so I thought oh that's OK, his aren't super young young.

Went on a first date and kids got mentioned to which he said his were 5 and 8. 🤔 I didn't say anything then because I thought maybe I'd got it wrong, and I wasn't going to get the app out on the date to check.

When I got home I looked at our conversation on the app and he definitely wrote 9 and 12! 5 and 8 is very different to 9 and 12 especially as mine would have both left school by next summer.

I asked him to clarify and he said worried it would put people off him if they thought he had younger kids... but surely he must realise they will find out! In fact he clarified his youngest has only just turned 5 last week so just started school.

Is this a red flag or just a legitimate reason as it puts people off and so won't give the person a chance?

This is a good point.
Also it sets a tone for the whole relationship. He lied right at the start and you overlooked it so now he knows he can potentially get away with it in future with you too.

Human beings have every right to walk away if they are lied to.

That is appalling.

In some ways it doesn't matter if it's a red flag or not. You are not interested in dating someone with young kids so don't. It's rubbish that he's wasted your time.

To clarify why it's appalling.

People are allowed to choose their own boundaries. That's up to them, and them alone.

Whether that boundary is not dating someone with young kids, or not dating someone taller than them.

That is up to the other person, not you.

To lie about it, you are saying, I can't care less what you want, all that matters is what I want.

It's a pretty big lie. There is no way in hell I'd date someone with two small children and the fact he didn't tell you prior to the date just means he wasted your time. Good choice to sack it off IMO.

💯- if people decide what they want from a partner they’re entitled to whatever boundaries they choose.

People choosing to deliberately lie to attract people might not be interested if they knew the truth are wasting everyone’s time with their dishonestly. I’ve turned around and gone back home when a dare arrived looking older and shorter than he claimed to be. Wasted both our time.

Deliberately choosing to lie isn’t ‘being fallible’ it’s a conscious choice to be dishonest

@PortiasBiscuit but if you lied about being very tall, surely that’s no different to a man saying he’s 5’11” when he’s 5’5”?? I get the “I just want a chance at this” thought, but surely it just wastes everyone’s time? Or was your ruse successful?

I didn't tolerate any lies on OLD. Didn't bode well.

If someone wasn't comfortable sharing information (such as what area they live for personal safety, say if they're in a public facing job) they could say so in a polite way.

Lying outright so as to look more attractive shows a sketchy relationship with the truth. Maturity and transparency are good traits, not fudging facts to influence someone's opinion.

It might not be a huge change but it's the values it represents.

Why lie about something so silly?! It was pointless. It was a lie that was going to be found out!! My first reaction is...what else has he lied about?!!!! For me, this is a red flag.

This is the shit that goes along with internet dating. As long as you got honesty from the first actual meeting and you haven’t been being lied to on text for months, it’s fine. If you like him in all the other ways, I’d let it go. If you don’t want to see him again now, that’s fine too. It’s true that young kids puts off prospective dates.

He's also taken a risk- some women may be fine with kids that age but draw a hard line at liars.

It didn't come across like that on the first date, as in he hadn't decided to confess. It was more talking about his kids and I said "and they're 9 and 12?" to which he replied "no 5 and 8....". He didn't say oh sorry I know told you they were older here's why... he just brushed over it most likely in hope I wouldn't mention it again. I didn't want to say anything in case I was wrong or give him a change to delete to OLD chat.

It doesn't matter if he's great in other ways, I'm just not interested in younger kids, especially now mine are nearly adults. I've done the whole navigation of someone having a young kid (when mine were small) and I'm done with that phase of life.

The whole oh but he's lovely so I'll just go along with it, doesn't matter if he lied doesn't right.

He clearly is ashamed of his kid's ages for some reason or other. I'd stay clear

It's not that he's ashamed.

Most mothers whose kids have flown the nest have absolutely no desire to date anyone with young kids.

It's why I don't really date any more, and I'm not alone. I would rather be single than a step mum. Heck - I don't even want to meet your kids - ever.

Been married 25 years Thank you!
I am truly glad that you all have so much self assurance, that’s wonderful!

This is me too I think.
Deffo wouldn't get together with a man with primary aged kids. Done that x3, have moved on from those times. My youngest is 15 so it's pretty much an adult world for me now. While I gently mourn the passing of my own kids' childhood, I've no interest in anyone else's. Couldn't even fake it.

I’m not particularly self assured, but I know how disappointed I’d be iif an allegedly tall guy turned out to be short!

To be fair I did give him the benefit of the doubt because the 9 year old was a bit too young, but I thought I'll go along and if I really like him I'll pursue it further (obviously as long as he liked me too 😃).

Although 9 for me is a bit too young, it would have been at least a year until I met any kids anyway and then it's only a few years from teens etc so it could be workable if I met a guy who I absolutely clicked with.

But 5 who's just started school, that's very young and 8, I'm very much done with those ages. In fact I don't even think I'd want to meet them at all!

I agree. 5 and 8 are birthday parties, the zoo, McDonald's, crying, kids' movies, pumpkin picking and all other manner of childish pastimes. I loved all that at the time. At. The. Time.

Not to mention logistics with an ex, possible animosity with the mum which is a nightmare, many more years of child maintenance payments, possible every other fucking weekend logistics/school holidays. I've been there, done that, no thank you.

Yes absolutely.
<shudders>

Me neither!

Absolutely this. My partner and I have children the same age so we have joint views and experiences, we also have different challenges as they are all quite different. Throwing younger children in to the mix of my older children who are doing other things now would bother me.

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩