Is lying about their kids ages a red flag in dating?

[Healingsfall]

During the initial talking on the dating app he told me his kids were 9 and 12. Mine are mid teens so I thought oh that's OK, his aren't super young young.

Went on a first date and kids got mentioned to which he said his were 5 and 8. 🤔 I didn't say anything then because I thought maybe I'd got it wrong, and I wasn't going to get the app out on the date to check.

When I got home I looked at our conversation on the app and he definitely wrote 9 and 12! 5 and 8 is very different to 9 and 12 especially as mine would have both left school by next summer.

I asked him to clarify and he said worried it would put people off him if they thought he had younger kids... but surely he must realise they will find out! In fact he clarified his youngest has only just turned 5 last week so just started school.

Is this a red flag or just a legitimate reason as it puts people off and so won't give the person a chance?

“I did give him the benefit of the doubt …”

This is the point at which so many wheels start coming off the wagon.

never, ever do this.
(from painful experience)

He’s stupid then too.
🚩

Yes I think after this I won't even do that.

My kids, who are teens, would hate it too... being forced in having young kids around.

Or worse still, 50/50 access …

But the point is I would be put off about the ages and him lying would compound it. My kids are 13&17yrs. I'm completely done with primary school days and paid childcare.. And that is absolutely my choice.

He didn't tell me the truth on the first date, he was caught out on the first date.

During conversation I said, when talking about kids, "and yours are 9 and 12?" to which he replied "no they're 5 and 8". I then doubted myself thinking I'd made a mistake so left it until I could check the app as to what he actually said. He didn't say on the date oh sorry, yes I know I said they were older but here's why... he said nothing hoping I would either think I got it wrong or that I'd let his lie slide without saying anything.

When I check the app and confirmed I hadn't gotten it wrong, I asked him and only then, once confronted with it, did he say "oh yeah, well I thought younger kids would put women off" or words to that effect. If I hadn't had asked him, he would never have mentioned it and thought he'd gotten away with his lie.

I lie about my DDs age 😳

I had her young and I worry it puts people off.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone with young kids and so this would put me off but the lying about their ages wouldn’t automatically put me off (purely because I do it myself).

I would be very careful with any more red flags though.

Oh god yes. And the expectation that his annual leave is used up to be with the kids, which is absolutely fair enough but not when your annual leave is yours as your kids are nearly adults, meaning annual leave for you is either spent as if you're single or spent with their kids if you want time with your dp.

I was a young mum too, and men are often surprised mine are the age they are. But I tell them upfront and then that's their decision if they want to pursue a date or not.

oh yeah its a major red flag, its like saying "no I havnt got a girlfriend, I mean the dishonesty, and another lie he tells you again by saying he thought it would put you off him, erm not that would be the dishonesty on a first date, that next.. and why shift your boundaries to protect you from people like him, you can do better than this.

Yep! Any lying is a turn off but to lie about something so basic. My DH lied about tiny, ridiculous things in the beginning. I wish I'd heeded that warning as it turned out he lied about everything, was a pathological liar, incapable of telling the truth. It was exhausting.

Good call OP, he's a liar.
Perfectly reasonable not to want to go back to that labour intensive stage.

Once its over I honestly cannot understand any woman going back to it with someone else's child.

No msn is worth that.

Yes and to be honest I've become perfectly happy on my own. I've got my friends, hobbies, my career, and my kids are nearly adults. All of this I communicated to him and expressed I'm looking for someone to compliment my life, someone who has their own interests and hobbies but also wants to come together to do nice things.

I've sacked this guy off, wished him well, but I'll certainly keep to my boundaries. What's the worst that can happen? I'll stay independent with the life I've build without relying on any man 🙂

This x1000

Decent humans don't see their kids as a liability.

You are advising people to be dishonest?
Ya you.

I wonder what they both said when this happened! Maybe they didn't mention it, cos they obviously couldn't, but I'm guessing they didn't see each other again!

OP, you have articulated you position well....."someone to compliment my life".

Hold on to that. At your stage, a wonderful place to be, no man to answer to, no man to look after, accommodate etc., children at a great age, you are living the dream😁, but be careful.

At your stage, women can accidentally fall for a man who is great company in and out of bed and suddenly find themselves back mothering two much younger children and think WTF.

My friends sister is in the middle of trying to extricate herself from it at the moment.
She was seeing a man for 18 months who saw his children when she wasn't around, her children are 19/20 and totally independent, at Uni.

She met him through work and fell hard.
His ex wife has now had a big promotion and it is now going to be more 60/40 as she will be travelling a lot.

He is now keen to move forward and combine lives. She has made it clear she has zero interest in being involved in his childrens lives, moving in together etc.
He can't seem to fathom that she has no interest at all in going back there.

She had been thinking about would they eventually move in, but this new reality of two under 10's whose needs will be a priority has thrown ice cold water on everything and she is absolutely not up for it.
He is very hurt by her honesty and she now wishes she never got involved, particularly as they work in the same organisation but thankfully different areas.

When you have reared your own, gotten through the teenage angst, it really is unfathomably to many why any woman would go back there.

Or maybe its just me and my friends😁

Thank you and yes, it's a lovely position to be in! Unfortunately my boundaries have been 'earned' from previous bad experiences such as getting involved/attached too soon, navigating the highs and lows of someone having a young child (mine where much younger then too) along with dramas between him and his ex about the kid. I've had abusive/narcissistic behaviour from men too.

I've been single for 3 years, 2 years ago I dated quite a bit but it took me too long to sack them off and I was still ignoring red flags and giving them the benefit of the doubt just in case they were "the one".

Then I gave up dating the 2 years and I've got myself in a place, as I said before, where I'm happy on my own as my life is now "rich" without a man. I've done CBT, made some lovely new friends, enjoy my fitness club, my own company, have a great co-parenting relationship with my ex husband. Its weird because once you breakthrough that barrier where you're scared to be alone, the otherside is actually really wonderful!

This! You literally said you wouldn't even have entertained the idea of a date if you thought the kids were a couple of years younger!
Maybe he's been written off by that so many times before they met him.

People are entitled to make decisions about dating based on the circumstances and lifestyle of those they date.

Someone looking for a relationship (rather than a ONS when family setup is much less important) is entitled to decide that they do not want to be a presence in the lives of primary aged kids.

Not only has he lied to you about something VERY important. He’s also shown you that’s he not the sharpest tool in the box, I’d swerve him so hard.

How do you not understand @Pinkapie that a person is allowed to decide themselves not to want to date someone with young kids?! That's the point. She wouldn't have met him. Because she doesn't want to date someone with young kids! It is entirely her choice to write him off because of that if she chooses!

Red flag. Lying from the get go.

He is a liar. And he thinks it's justifiable to tell obviously disprovable lies in order to get what he wants. What more do you need do know?

Not only a lier but not bright enough to keep up with his lies!

Your life sounds like what we should all be striving for OP.