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Original poster

Why did this trigger me??

88 replies

Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 09:45

I'm interested to hear others thoughts on what I'm sure is a nothing but it massively triggered me... ive been seeing a lovely guy for about 9 months. He's 3 years post-divorce and all going well between us. I stayed at his recently and noticed he had a cast model of two hands entwined on his window sill in his bedroom. I recognised his hand as one and a female hand as the other and immediately thought it must be him and his ex wife. I was brave and asked what it was. He said he would explain in a bit, which made me feel really anxious because he couldn't answer straight away, so I went off to shower. When I came back he explained that one of his best friends (he has two female best friends who I haven't met - I actually haven't been introduced to any of his friends/family - his parents don't even know i exist but that's another issue 😔), is a white witch and that she did a healing session with him when he was going through his divorce, and them getting their hands cast together was part of it.

It made me feel really anxious and I calmly explained that it made me feel a bit weird and that I needed to go, but that he hadn't done anything wrong, but I just needed space to calm my anxiety and process it. I'm getting better at understanding my emotions and 'flight' was what I needed to do at that point. We messaged the rest of the day and everything was fine although i still hate the image of their hands like that in my mind.

But... now I'm questioning whether I made a nothing into a something. Seeing a life size hand cast of his hand intimately entwined with a girl I've never met made me feel so uncomfortable. But it's one of his best friends. Is that my past traumas affecting me or would you have also felt weird about it?? I guess I'm not sure if how I felt/feel is 'normal' or if I need to work more on my self-worth so things like that aren't an issue.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 09/10/2024 09:51

He sounds like a bullshitter.

HazelPlayer · 09/10/2024 09:52

White witch ..healing session ..casts of intertwined hands during healing session (??!)

He'd be a bit too "woo" and whacky for me tbh.

I'd have struggled to keep a straight face.

Hurrem · 09/10/2024 09:52

Sounds fabricated, hence the need to “explain in a bit”, either he has some weird friends, or that’s his exes hand and he just knows how that will look having it still on display

AutumnDays12 · 09/10/2024 09:54

Maybe the 'hands' gave off a bad vibe/bad aura.

HazelPlayer · 09/10/2024 09:54

Anyway, anxious seems like a strong reaction... uncomfortable, maybe .. yeah.

Time for him to park it in the attic perhaps.

If he's getting into a serious relationship, maybe best to put sculptures of his hand intertwined with other lady's (even if it was just a "healing session") away.

Would he like you having one with you and a male friend's hand on display in your home??

Otherwise; he's a bit whacky.

I'd wonder what happened in his marriage too.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 09/10/2024 09:55

Yeah I don’t agree with this and I’m very into ‘woo’ things as they’re called on here!

MonsteraMama · 09/10/2024 09:55

I mean, I'm speaking only for myself here, but this would put me off massively. Either he's lying to cover up the fact he has a memento of his ex wife (which honestly isn't that big of a deal, people share a life together and that doesn't go away just because it ended) OR he actually believes in all that woo bollocks in which case I would consider that a fairly large incompatibility for me.

What about it is actually bothering you though?

HoHoHoliday · 09/10/2024 09:56

"He said he would explain in a bit" = he needed time to think of a more acceptable story.

HazelPlayer · 09/10/2024 09:56

Hurrem · 09/10/2024 09:52

Sounds fabricated, hence the need to “explain in a bit”, either he has some weird friends, or that’s his exes hand and he just knows how that will look having it still on display

Yeah, maybe the time lapse was him making up a story.

Otherwise, why wouldn't be just say what happened/how it came about. It's not a super complicated scenario.

TenderChicken · 09/10/2024 09:59

I think it's an incredibly intimate thing to do, and might be concerned he's still got it prominently on display in his bedroom.

However it wouldnt be a deal breaker, because I could understand finding comfort in the reminder of the healing process and someone caring for you - assuming he's telling the truth. I would also like to judge the vibe of their relationship myself.

However you've never met her... or anyone! I think that is the most shocking part of your post. You've been together 9 months and no one knows you're his girlfriend. What is his explanation for this?

AgentJohnson · 09/10/2024 09:59

It personally wouldn’t bother me but not meeting his family or friends, is probably a contributing factor to how you feel now.

Meeting someone’s friends definitely gives a fuller picture to a person’s character.

TemuSpecialBuy · 09/10/2024 10:00

It triggered you because it’s all the bullshit and red flags laddering up And screaming this man is not emotionally available and you aren’t going to get a happy ever after… just an anxious ever after

not meeting friends and family are huge red flags and you know this and prob have underlying anxiety around it.
the hands are just another “hidden” part of his life

And YY to @HazelPlayers comments…A white witch? What are they 15?🥴

Also….
ask yourself how many men you know with TWO or more female “best friends”
NO married man in my friendship group has 1 female “best friend” let alone two…

waterrat · 09/10/2024 10:01

I think it's fine you had 'feelings/ intuition' about this - but I think being honest leaving is a sign you are over responding to anxiety

I used to be incredly anxious and jealous in relationships and I did a lot of work in therapy to deal with it. This means that I understood that if you are with a partner you fully trust you dont need to be anxious and jealous

I suspect you don't fully trust your partner.

Original poster
Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 10:04

Thanks for all the responses. He is the most amazing guy I have ever been but this really annoyed me. Like someone said, I just wouldn't have that kind of stuff on show if I was getting serious with someone.
You have all made me feel more 'normal for reacting to it at all. I know it seems like something small and silly but having been with a controlling bully for 15 years (18 months since I left) I am really trying to allow myself to feel things and acknowledge and respect my own emotions.
So what should I do if the hands are still there??? Accidently knock them off the window sill 😅 In all seriousness, I don't want to come across as controlling and jealous by asking him not to have them out 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 09/10/2024 10:06

The hands aren’t the problem and putting them in a cupboard won’t fix what you’ve got….sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 10:09

And to add - yes, me being a secret part of his life makes me feel very sad and he knows this. He has a close relationship with his parents but he hasn't mentioned me to them at all. He said he has talked about me to three of his friends. And yes, two of his best friends are girls - both married but this already makes me feel uneasy! Very probably because I haven't met any of them. He said he just wants to take things really slow as his divorce messed him up massively, and that I will meet them in time.

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 09/10/2024 10:10

It sounds very strange all round and judging on this one post, it doesn't seem like you're in a very healthy relationship.

The white witch, hands entwined thing would put me off. But not because of any implication of "intimacy". Just because I'd think it was beyond silly and I'd struggle to take him seriously going forward.

The fact that the thought of him holding hands with a friend 2+ years before you started seeing him sent you into an anxious state that meant you had to leave to "process" it, is quite extreme. You mention past trauma which you think may have contributed. It sounds like you'd benefit from some therapy or help to deal with those issues.

On a separate note, him not introducing you to his friends and family is unusual and would put me off too. Unless there are children involved and he's sensibly not wanting to involve them in his dating life at this stage.

TemuSpecialBuy · 09/10/2024 10:13

How long have you been dating?
are children involved?
And do you want children?

AlertCat · 09/10/2024 10:13

Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 10:04

Thanks for all the responses. He is the most amazing guy I have ever been but this really annoyed me. Like someone said, I just wouldn't have that kind of stuff on show if I was getting serious with someone.
You have all made me feel more 'normal for reacting to it at all. I know it seems like something small and silly but having been with a controlling bully for 15 years (18 months since I left) I am really trying to allow myself to feel things and acknowledge and respect my own emotions.
So what should I do if the hands are still there??? Accidently knock them off the window sill 😅 In all seriousness, I don't want to come across as controlling and jealous by asking him not to have them out 🤦🏻‍♀️

Without wanting to sound patronising, well done for actually listening to your gut instinct and for responding in the way you needed to. After being in a coercive relationship that’s massive progress.

Further to that, I don’t think you will benefit if you start trying to push your instincts away again. That you are being asked to is a red flag; it might be that you’re unsure where the boundary should be (I struggle with balance around this myself) but it may be that he is manipulating you to think you’re being unreasonable.

I think I would want to have a conversation with this bloke about the other issues around his family and friends, that you mention in passing- my feeling is that they and this sculpture are all connected and I would be wondering exactly how committed he is to you and how he sees your relationship developing, and how that aligns with your expectations.

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 09/10/2024 10:14

He has a cast of his hand entwined with another woman’s, he paused to think up a story to explain it away, nobody knows you exist.
Unkess you have concrete proof he is divorced or know the ex-wife, I would bet money on he isn’t divorced.

Original poster
Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 10:17

@TemuSpecialBuy dating 9 months. We both have near teenage aged children.

OP posts:
PaperGloves · 09/10/2024 10:18

i think you overreacted to a bad taste knickknack, but it does just sound as though lots of things about this relationship just aren’t working for you, because you’re both reacting against previous relationships in ways that don’t mesh. I’d end it and wait a while before dating again.

raydavis · 09/10/2024 10:18

HoHoHoliday · 09/10/2024 09:56

"He said he would explain in a bit" = he needed time to think of a more acceptable story.

Exactly this.
He needed time to think something up....and even at that the thing he thought up makes zero sense and sounds like utter BS to me.

Either it's the exW hand and he thought would look bad or upset you.

Or, has it been recently added if you've only just noticed it? Are you 100% sure he's fully single? (I'm only asking based on the fact his friends and family don't seem to know you exist)

MrSeptember · 09/10/2024 10:20

While I'm not into this sort of woo thing, in itself, it wouldn't intrinsically bother me and I can totally see my DH doing something a bit weird like this! Grin.

But I think the reason it's triggering you is because it's part of a bigger problem - he's keeping you a secret from his friends and family and it' snot clear he's really into this relationship or if there's something else going on.

Shoemadlady · 09/10/2024 10:21

The hands are the least of your problems. He sounds full of crap. Why aren't any of his friends and family aware of you?
He didn't tell you straight away as he had to think of something. Sounds like you're seeing someone already in a relationship sadly