Why did this trigger me??

[Blueskiessunshine]

I'm interested to hear others thoughts on what I'm sure is a nothing but it massively triggered me... ive been seeing a lovely guy for about 9 months. He's 3 years post-divorce and all going well between us. I stayed at his recently and noticed he had a cast model of two hands entwined on his window sill in his bedroom. I recognised his hand as one and a female hand as the other and immediately thought it must be him and his ex wife. I was brave and asked what it was. He said he would explain in a bit, which made me feel really anxious because he couldn't answer straight away, so I went off to shower. When I came back he explained that one of his best friends (he has two female best friends who I haven't met - I actually haven't been introduced to any of his friends/family - his parents don't even know i exist but that's another issue 😔), is a white witch and that she did a healing session with him when he was going through his divorce, and them getting their hands cast together was part of it.

It made me feel really anxious and I calmly explained that it made me feel a bit weird and that I needed to go, but that he hadn't done anything wrong, but I just needed space to calm my anxiety and process it. I'm getting better at understanding my emotions and 'flight' was what I needed to do at that point. We messaged the rest of the day and everything was fine although i still hate the image of their hands like that in my mind.

But... now I'm questioning whether I made a nothing into a something. Seeing a life size hand cast of his hand intimately entwined with a girl I've never met made me feel so uncomfortable. But it's one of his best friends. Is that my past traumas affecting me or would you have also felt weird about it?? I guess I'm not sure if how I felt/feel is 'normal' or if I need to work more on my self-worth so things like that aren't an issue.

He keeps you on the back foot because it suits him better that way. He lies about his closeness to his parents because it suits him to have you think that excuse is valid. He doesn't properly involve you in his life because you're not a big or exciting or meaningful enough part of it to do otherwise. Lazy and shit and noncommittal of him.

That sounds harsh, but I say it because, as is usually the case, you deserve better! It's so easy to build yourself up after a bad relationship only to accidentally slip into one that's bad, but in different ways.

And his female best friend, ughhh. Why do they always have to emphasise the "best best bestest friend" part, but only when it's a female?! 😅 The laughable prick is trying to make you jealous with that one, with speculation about his special amazing best girly friends who you're just not quite allowed to meet .. You did so well by not ignoring your instinct to leave when you were uncomfortable. Keep walking, keep following that instinct, it's serving you correctly.

Throw him in the ocean. And I don't mean, because there are plenty more fish. You don't need another fish, you need to heal yourself and massively hugely prioritise yourself, so yes, I do just mean chuck him in the sea.

@TheShellBeach because he talks about them a lot. He sees them/talks to them nearly every day. And he and his dad share a hobby and do that together once a week.

doing the same thing again and expecting a different result? "What more can I do?" pull up your big girl knickers and advocate for what you want. If he can't/won't supply it then you are worth more.

Sorry but for some reason he doesn't want people to know about you. Either he's not serious about you, or he thinks they won't approve. Neither is great for the future of your relationship.

I can't imagine seeing someone in my family several times a week and not mentioning that I'm in a relationship, for a whole 9 months.

I think you can do better, sorry. This will eat away at your confidence.

I missed that you've not been introduced to his family and friends.

What!

Why??

There is no reasonable reason for that.

I have a basic little rule - men who can't introduce me to their family and friends etc.; don't get their dick "introduced" to my p*$$y.

It's a red flag to the relationship that he hasn't mentioned you to his family and he's not introduced you to his friends yet. It shows he still sees your relationship as peripheral and is on the fence about it being long term. It also keeps it in a separate box and leaves you in a holding pattern and stops any progression.
You don't have to keep bringing it up, but you should set your own date by which this state should of changed and if it doesn't it will be the time to talk to him about shitting or get off the pot basically.
If nothing has changed by a year, cut your losses if he's still wanting to exclude you from his life. A year is enough time to waste, you don't want to be wasting more than that.

Oh and the hand mold was just a beacon shining a light on the fact that he's cagey about his personal life, that he hasn't let you in on, and because of that, you know a lot less about him than you should do by now.

He’s triangulating you with his girly best friends, and considering he is keeping you a secret, how do you know they aren’t also his “girlfriends” and maybe he casually mentions you to them as one of his best friends. Do you even know if your relationship is exclusive? Hands entwined is an intimate thing. Most liars impart some truth, perhaps she is a witchy type, and perhaps she did suggest them doing it as some ritual, but I’d bet anything they were romantically/sexually involved, as it would be very odd to create an intimate statue like that, that has so much emotional meaning, if they were not. I’ve known guys like this who have their harem of best female friends, and I would 100% avoid dating anyone that had one to one intimate friendships with other women, usually the type of man that seeks these out is someone that is high up the scale of narcissistic tendencies with a strong desire for attention from the opposite sex, and has very blurred boundaries. Same goes for women who seek out lots of male best friends. At the moment you don’t have any real standing in his life apart from that of a fuck buddy, and isn’t it time to ask the question WHY he is keeping you a secret?sounds like all the kinds of excuses that married men make, or men that are desperate for other parts of their life to not meet each other, because they are lying to you in some way. Daily contact is a big emotional investment that’s no different to the investment he’s making with you, only he’s spreading his energy out, and building intimacy with more than one woman. I don’t know a single man or woman who bothers with that level of investment unless there’s more to it.

@Hurrem I 1000% agree with your post above. And from personal experience,too. I'm not sure why people are advising waiting till the supposed magical one year mark to cement the realisation that he's a cock end! Why waste yet more time and chip away at her self esteem even more.

No wonder you feel stressed. It's impossible to feel secure in a relationship like this. If it was right you would be proudly showing each other off and spending fun time together. I wouldn't give him a deadline - just say right now that you are not feeling happy in the relationship and changes need to be made.

Instead of thinking he doesn't want his friends to meet you consider that he doesn't want you to meet his friends and find out things that would make you end it with him (e.g. other women).

He is a genuine, honest, down-to-earth guy

Sorry OP, but you have no idea really about two of those things. You have only seen a fraction of his life and his character, so you cannot possibly judge what he is really like. He is compartmentalising you away from the other (main) things in his life. The hands bollocks has triggered you because it's made it clear you are not an important part of his life.

If someone told me that I wouldn't believe them

He played for time with his explanation of the entwined hands. That's bizarre

He's not introduced you to any of the significant people in his life after 9 months. That's bizarre too.

There's an awful lot of this guys' life you're not privy to, and there's a reason for that... He isn't on the level that's for sure.

I'd really start to question how you're going to continue in this relationship, especially when he knows you being kept a secret hurts you.

I don't think he's the wonderful man you think he is, he's keeping you away from anyone that knows him for a reason.

Go carefully