Why did this trigger me??

[Blueskiessunshine]

I'm interested to hear others thoughts on what I'm sure is a nothing but it massively triggered me... ive been seeing a lovely guy for about 9 months. He's 3 years post-divorce and all going well between us. I stayed at his recently and noticed he had a cast model of two hands entwined on his window sill in his bedroom. I recognised his hand as one and a female hand as the other and immediately thought it must be him and his ex wife. I was brave and asked what it was. He said he would explain in a bit, which made me feel really anxious because he couldn't answer straight away, so I went off to shower. When I came back he explained that one of his best friends (he has two female best friends who I haven't met - I actually haven't been introduced to any of his friends/family - his parents don't even know i exist but that's another issue 😔), is a white witch and that she did a healing session with him when he was going through his divorce, and them getting their hands cast together was part of it.

It made me feel really anxious and I calmly explained that it made me feel a bit weird and that I needed to go, but that he hadn't done anything wrong, but I just needed space to calm my anxiety and process it. I'm getting better at understanding my emotions and 'flight' was what I needed to do at that point. We messaged the rest of the day and everything was fine although i still hate the image of their hands like that in my mind.

But... now I'm questioning whether I made a nothing into a something. Seeing a life size hand cast of his hand intimately entwined with a girl I've never met made me feel so uncomfortable. But it's one of his best friends. Is that my past traumas affecting me or would you have also felt weird about it?? I guess I'm not sure if how I felt/feel is 'normal' or if I need to work more on my self-worth so things like that aren't an issue.

He is a genuine, honest, down-to-earth guy. I know him from childhood although hadn't seen him in over 20 years when we met, and know he is 100% divorced. He's a big softie, very sensitive and maybe held onto it as it represented a big time in his life, I don't know.

Agree with this, the hand thing is a bit of something or nothing, even if it is the ex, he is entitled to memories of that if it wasn't all a negative experience for him.

The real issue is his inability to make you part of his life properly. That is why you are sensitive to the hands triggering you. If he included you in his life properly you would feel more secure and this would be a non issue. Who in his friends/ family have you met? Have you met his children? Let's give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he is messed up after the divorce, but he needs to fix that/ deal with it and treat you properly. Talk to him about why he keeps you at arms length. But be prepared to walk away if he doesn't make you a proper part of his life.

He probably hasn't dusted the window sill in the 3 years he's been divorced and forgot they were there. The rest sounds utter nonsense

Weird.

If he just said 'it's mine and my best friends hands. We've never been involved romantically, we have no interest in that, but she's helped me through alot and we did that one day as she thought it would be cute for us both to have one. You can meet her if you like?'

Would be massively different

@GarrynotsoGorilla thank you for your post. I think you are totally right. I haven't met any of his friends/family. Or his children, but I get that bit - he hasn't met mine. What really hurts is that his parents don't even know I exist, and he sees them all the time because they help out with the kids during the week. It was at the 6 month point that I really conveyed to him how hurt this made me feel, like he was embarrassed or ashamed of me somehow. He reassures me that's not the case but we're now at 9 months and they still don't know. Other than this everything is good (apart from the hands! 😅). He is the most caring, affectionate person I have been with. I just think maybe he doesn't trust that I'll hang around as his ex wife left him and he was emotionally amd mentally destroyed.

He's being shifty. Either all that 'witch' crap is true, and he's just a complete woo-monster. Or he's lying and it's his missus. And he's not even fucking single!
Why haven't you met any of his friends? Especially if a couple are female, you'd think he'd be keen for you to meet and get on well.

I don't like the sound of it all to be honest.

Absolutely this.. and this was the only story he could manage ?
I would leave him for this crap lie alone.
A 2yr old could have done better. 😂

@Blueskiessunshine his reluctance to integrate you to his family is a sign you are just his bit on the side, you need to address this urgently and leave it not resolved. If he claims it is about trust or any other issue then tell him he needs to get counselling and give him a firm timeline. A couple of months maybe. In that time back yourself away in case he cannot resolve it, or is just stringing you along. If he refuses to get counselling he is telling you that you are not important to him. Just move on. Despite how well he may be towards you this will only end in tears - mainly yours. Good luck x

This is red flag city. The fact that nobody knows about you after 9 months would set alarm bells ringing far more than some creepy statue. Do you go out in public together? Is he willing to be seen with you?

You being a secret after 9 months together is the big red flag here, not the hands!

your feelings are your feelings and if this triggers you then this bloke is not for you. I'd be more concerned about why he won't tell his parents about you. Taken together, however amazing he seems, i would step away.

9 months is a long time to keep you totally separate from all friends and family (unless its an agreed casual sex thing). He also presented the hands thing for maximum drama. I think it's understandable you're starting to wonder about his intentions. Everything is rather on his terms. If would suggest discussing how the relationship progresses into the open or you move on. Listen to that flight feeling. You really weren't comfortable

next time he comes over, have a plaster cast of a giant penis on your window sill. Tell him you’ll tell him all about it later and then tell him a witch doctor made it for you with his very own penis, to ward off the evil eye. Then you’ve begun a competition of who can make up the stupidest stories

@Hurrem 🤣 love it 😀

How come you only noticed the sculpture after 9 months, have you never been to his place before?

Why are you happy to be kept as some dirty little secret? You knew him from childhood, so what could be more natural than him saying to his parents "You will never guess what has happened, do you remember Blue from primary school? Well I dumped into her the other day and we went for a drink, we have been seeing a bit of each other, it's early days and we are taking it slow, as we both have kids we are going to wait and see how things go" see easy.

But instead he went with the big dramatic "destroyed by an evil ex-wife" routine, fragile emotions so don't demand anything of me, don't ever need anything from me as you will remind me of her and I, faithful hero, will once again be wounded.

I think you went from one kind of controlling relationship to another, the last guy might have been a 10 on the controller scale, this new guy a 7 so seems comparatively "better".

^^ Nailed it! A very insightful post.

It wasn’t the sculpture itself that triggered you op but what it represents in terms of your relationship with this man.

I just think maybe he doesn't trust that I'll hang around, as his ex-wife left him and he was emotionally and mentally destroyed

Or maybe it was the other way round. Maybe this is what he's told you, even though the truth is that he had an affair and left his wife.

That could explain why he's kept you a secret from his family, @Blueskiessunshine
Because he doesn't want you to find out why his marriage really ended.

He's spun you a tale which makes him look like the victim.

I'd seriously reconsider this relationship, because he's keeping you a secret, for no good reason at all.

The hands are, in a way, irrelevant. It's the not telling anyone about you that would concern me far more.

I can’t see why the hands bother you at all. It’s a bit cringe for a grown man, but no more than that. I’ve got ornaments out I don’t give a moment’s thought to.

I would, however, be very annoyed to be a dirty secret where his parents are concerned.

I would be more concerned that you haven’t met friends or family 9 months in…

Why do you put up with being ket secret from his parents? I can't understand that and, more than anything else, that suggests huge deceit.

Thanks for your comments and thoughts. I had 15 years of just putting up with how things were and gave up speaking out. I guess i am doing that again here. He knows it massively hurts me that I'm being kept hidden. We do go out in public though so it's not a deliberate attempt to hide me, but he's not proactively introducing me to anyone. I've told him how I feel so what more can I do? It would feel too controlling to give him a timeline. I guess I'm just hoping everything will happen in time.

@Blueskiessunshine the timeline isn't an attempt to control, it is you making it clear that you will not tolerate this indefinitely, that he needs to make progress or you will leave. He has full choice still. He can choose to end things because he doesn't want to invest in the relationship, or he can work on himself and try to be the man you need, and frankly he needs to be to succeed in relationships going forward.**

You don’t like the reminder of him having a life before you (most people subconsciously don’t, I’m not saying this as a criticism of you); but also highly possible that you’re picking up on what sounds like a load of bullshit, and I say that as someone that’s quite spiritual and into healing.

It would feel too controlling to give him a timeline. I guess I'm just hoping everything will happen in time

I'm pretty sure it won't.
Nothing is going to happen with regard to your being introduced to his family, because he has some agenda which he isn't sharing with you.

It isn't controlling to ask him when you're going to meet his family. It's a natural question in a relationship which has lasted nine months.