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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why did this trigger me??

88 replies

Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 09:45

I'm interested to hear others thoughts on what I'm sure is a nothing but it massively triggered me... ive been seeing a lovely guy for about 9 months. He's 3 years post-divorce and all going well between us. I stayed at his recently and noticed he had a cast model of two hands entwined on his window sill in his bedroom. I recognised his hand as one and a female hand as the other and immediately thought it must be him and his ex wife. I was brave and asked what it was. He said he would explain in a bit, which made me feel really anxious because he couldn't answer straight away, so I went off to shower. When I came back he explained that one of his best friends (he has two female best friends who I haven't met - I actually haven't been introduced to any of his friends/family - his parents don't even know i exist but that's another issue 😔), is a white witch and that she did a healing session with him when he was going through his divorce, and them getting their hands cast together was part of it.

It made me feel really anxious and I calmly explained that it made me feel a bit weird and that I needed to go, but that he hadn't done anything wrong, but I just needed space to calm my anxiety and process it. I'm getting better at understanding my emotions and 'flight' was what I needed to do at that point. We messaged the rest of the day and everything was fine although i still hate the image of their hands like that in my mind.

But... now I'm questioning whether I made a nothing into a something. Seeing a life size hand cast of his hand intimately entwined with a girl I've never met made me feel so uncomfortable. But it's one of his best friends. Is that my past traumas affecting me or would you have also felt weird about it?? I guess I'm not sure if how I felt/feel is 'normal' or if I need to work more on my self-worth so things like that aren't an issue.

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 09/10/2024 11:19

Giving a timeline isn’t controlling it’s called having boundaries and respect for yourself.

TheShellBeach · 09/10/2024 11:20

He's actually treating you really badly@Blueskiessunshine

Have you posted about him before?

2Old2Tango · 09/10/2024 11:20

I too think the time delay in him telling you was to enable him to make up a story. Why not just explain straight away?

I wouldn't verbally give him a timeline to be introduced to parents/friends, but in my head I'd set one - maybe the year mark - and if there was still no movement then I'd reconsider the relationship.

MrSeptember · 09/10/2024 11:23

Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 11:08

Thanks for your comments and thoughts. I had 15 years of just putting up with how things were and gave up speaking out. I guess i am doing that again here. He knows it massively hurts me that I'm being kept hidden. We do go out in public though so it's not a deliberate attempt to hide me, but he's not proactively introducing me to anyone. I've told him how I feel so what more can I do? It would feel too controlling to give him a timeline. I guess I'm just hoping everything will happen in time.

But what is his reasoning for keeping you away from everyone? I can almost undersetand family - some people don't like to introduce new partners until it's pretty serious - but friends too?

As for "too controlling". Controlling is when you try to force someone to do something against their will and punish them if they don't. Having boundaries is saying that you are not intersted in a long-term relationship with someone who keeps you secret and being willing to walk away if necssary.

Waterboatlass · 09/10/2024 11:27

You taking control of your boundaries and needs isn't the same as controlling him. If he wants a secret relationship and you don't, he's free and welcome to express that. You are both free to go your separate ways. Just as long as you explain what you want in a clear, civil and straightforward way that isn't controlling.

raydavis · 09/10/2024 11:28

DaisyChain505 · 09/10/2024 11:19

Giving a timeline isn’t controlling it’s called having boundaries and respect for yourself.

I agree that it's not controlling and totally reasonable.

Saying that I'm not sure I'd give this type of ultimatum myself. I'd only want to be with a man who told everyone about me and introduced me to his friends and family because he himself genuinely wanted to.

If I felt I had to encourage someone to do this, it would take any shine or true meaning off it. I'd always wonder if he wanted to or if he only did it cos he felt forced to.

I absolutely would leave someone who didn't do it off their own back at the 9-12 month mark tho. A grown man shouldn't need to be told how to behave in a relationship

Barleycat · 09/10/2024 11:31

Sounds weird but not as weird as your reaction tbh

AChickenPooAndABiscuit · 09/10/2024 11:32

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 09/10/2024 10:14

He has a cast of his hand entwined with another woman’s, he paused to think up a story to explain it away, nobody knows you exist.
Unkess you have concrete proof he is divorced or know the ex-wife, I would bet money on he isn’t divorced.

Yep I was wondering about this too.

BettyByron · 09/10/2024 11:34

My marriage was like yours OP and after it I too fell for a man with quite bad boundaries and several female friends. It’s not that it’s bad per se but just doesn’t suit your needs at this time. You probably need someone who is clear, and open, and focussed on you, and offers emotional safety.

Original poster

Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 11:35

That's the problem. I don't want to mention it too much because I want him to choose to introduce me because he is proud of who i am, not because he feels inhave forced it. I don't know whether to wait until the year mark or mention it again. But it's already casting a shadow over what we have and makes me feel anxious because it makes me feel that I'm not good enough 😕

OP posts:

GarrynotsoGorilla · 09/10/2024 11:37

Please don't wait another 3 months silent, you are hurting already, address that now, save yourself the heartache please?

TheShellBeach · 09/10/2024 11:42

But it's already casting a shadow over what we have and makes me feel anxious because it makes me feel that I'm not good enough

That's very sad, OP.

You need to tell him this. If he values you and values your relationship, he'll understand.

Or are you worried that he'll end things if you stick up for yourself?

Gonk123 · 09/10/2024 11:46

I think people who don’t introduce are not fully committed and visualising long term.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/10/2024 11:46

Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 11:35

Whilst I can understand you are disappointed that he has not told more people about you, I think you need to stop considering this a reflection on you;

"I want him to choose to introduce me because he is proud of who i am"

"makes me feel anxious because it makes me feel that I'm not good enough"

These are not what I would consider normal reactions to the situation. It's entirely possible he has not told people because he is not ready for the conversations or doesn't want to have to tell people about a breakup again if it doesn't work out. He could just be a private person. Obviously I don't know his motives (and I am not suggesting you stay with him if you don't want to) but you might want to try and address why you feel so insecure (meant very kindly).

MrSeptember · 09/10/2024 11:49

When it has come up before, what is his reason for keeping you secret?

Frankly, this sounds very strange to me. I'd be very suspicious.

Original poster

Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 11:53

I do have insecurities, I won't deny that. But I think it's quite a 'normal' feeling to feel a bit dejected if you know you are being kept hidden.

He said he has told three of his close friends about me. It's the fact that his parents don't know anything about me being in his life that hurts a bit. He said he doesn't have a close relationship with his parents and that's why he hasn't mentioned it. But I know he does have a close relationship with them, so that doesn't seem valid.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 09/10/2024 11:55

He said he doesn't have a close relationship with his parents and that's why he hasn't mentioned it. But I know he does have a close relationship with them, so that doesn't seem valid

So you know he's actually lying to you.

That must make you feel very sad. You're trying to reconcile what he says with what he does, and with what you know is the truth, and it doesn't match up.

Itsalwaysthelasttime · 09/10/2024 12:00

I would be concerned that he's able to keep this secret from his parents who he's close to and sees regularly.

TheShellBeach · 09/10/2024 12:01

OP is this the same bloke who you've posted about before? Your old friend from school? The one you decided to be FWB with?

Or is this a completely different bloke?

MixieMatchie · 09/10/2024 12:02

AuntieDolly · 09/10/2024 10:28

He probably hasn't dusted the window sill in the 3 years he's been divorced and forgot they were there. The rest sounds utter nonsense

This sums it up!

And the alternative isn't great either. If he's telling the truth, it just makes it sound like he's in love with his friend. Why else would this magic ritual involve her hand entwined in his? Did he explain the witchy logic behind it? I cannot imagine keeping a cast of my hand entwined with that of a platonic male friend, visible from my bed. Can you imagine doing that?

But I'd still rather that explanation than the more obvious one, which is that he's dishonest.

AlertCat · 09/10/2024 12:03

I came out of a coercive relationship and met someone else after about 2 years. However it bit me on the arse because I hadn’t healed or learned to create and enforce boundaries. It took a further five years of being single before I could see and understand what a supportive relationship was like, and knew what my boundaries were and start to know how to enforce them. It sounds as if you are in a similar place to me back then because you are back in this ‘I can’t enforce my boundary because it upsets my partner/ makes me look controlling’. It’s not controlling to say that being a secret makes you feel awful and that if he isn’t willing to bring you into his life fully, then he isn’t prepared to treat the relationship with you in the way you would like- you might have different aims or desires and it’s ok to ask that and to find out. Otherwise if it’s the same at the one-year point what do you do? How long do you push this forward and put up with feeling anxious and hurt?

Honestly you deserve so much more! To feel happy, supported, and loved, without compromising on something that’s a fundamental value for you.

Original poster

Blueskiessunshine · 09/10/2024 12:21

@TheShellBeach different person

OP posts:

Fastback · 09/10/2024 12:26

He is a genuine, honest, down-to-earth guy

I’d possibly rethink this stance if I were you.

wrongthinker · 09/10/2024 12:27

So he's a liar as well, OP. He told you he wasn't close with his parents, but you know he is. He keeps you a secret and can't satisfactorily explain why. He made up a weird story about the hands instead of telling you the truth.

You feel triggered because your body is screaming at you that this guy is bad news. You are anxious, you can't be yourself with him, you're scared to have any reasonable boundaries in case he thinks you're controlling.

I would just end it, tbh. Put it down to experience, learn the lessons and move on. There are nice men out there.

TheShellBeach · 09/10/2024 12:33

@Blueskiessunshine how do you know that he's very close to his parents, even though you haven't met them?

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