Dh has changed since his elderly father died

[Thehulahooplady]

Trying to be as sensitive toward him as possible as his dm has dementia so I totally empathise things are not easy

but over the past 9 months ;he was sick six to eight weeks and died in Late Feb, dh is spending evenings doing up a fishing rod his dad gave as a child (this is nice) but then obviously cares for his dm two or three bedtimes a week (no denying he’s a good man)

please don’t be harsh with me but I’m at the end of my tether with him - he sort of mopes around, doesn’t really want to go out, is planting daffodil bulbs like his father did in lines, spending evenings and Sundays driving to cemeteries to see what headstone to pick. This is all totally normal ?? Is it??

there are four siblings but dh is the most sensible one

I don’t really enjoy weekends anymore - I don’t know how fo gently tell him it’s too much ? Maybe it will take a year ?

He s bereaved
You can suggest bereavement counselling

Everyone's grief is different.

I don’t really enjoy weekends anymore

I’m pretty sure he won’t really be enjoying them either, sounds like he needs your support more at the moment

Omg give him a break.Too much , are you serious? Sort out your own weekend, he's grieving. Have you lost your parents yet?

I’m glad I’ve asked actually and I’ll apologise for it

his dad was late 80s and I work with people who have dealt with traumatic events so I do respect everyone’s grief is different and I’ll keep it to myself

So let's get this right. His grief is interfering with your weekend fun. And you're wondering if he'll be over it a year post fathers death so that you can have your fun weekends back?

Wowzer!

🤣

Oh gosh, nine months is NOTHING when you're grieving for a parent. I was in pieces for a long time after my dad died. Doing stuff like the fishing rod or headstone is just his way of keeping busy with something that makes him feel close to his dad and is totally normal.
If he is the sensible sibling that probably means he is shouldering the burden of the responsibility for all the post-death admin too, is he?
Try to cut him some slack and be there for him. Have you given him a chance to talk about how he is feeling?
The hardest thing I found was that after my dad's funeral (my mum had pre-deceased him) life for everyone else just returned to normal, but I can remember wandering through our local town thinking 'how can everyone just be getting on with life? Don't they realise I've lost my dad? How can people bear to do things like go to the cinema/shopping etc'

As my username suggests my DSis died earlier this year, totally unexpectedly in her early 50s. So while it is different to a parent I can see where your DH is coming from.

i have been totally shocked at how much it has affected me and I know there have been months where I have not been decent company at all. Thankfully DH actually came with me to look like graveyards for ideas for the headstone. It was horrible to do but actually really useful. (But we did only go once).

Bereavement counselling isn’t usually advised until a year has passed but I did have 8 sessions of ‘normal’ counselling for stress and this but obviously that included a decent element of stuff about DSis. This was helpful.

Does your DH know he is being like this? I think it helped that I acknowledged I was totally floored and was very grateful to DH for being there and supporting me. I have no siblings left now so also have a burden of being solely responsible for my aging parents so there are further complications. But I am very conscious of how DH has been there and very thankful for him.

i think it wouldn’t be as awful for you if your DH acknowledges how low he is and appreciates your support maybe?

My Dad died a few years ago and my Mum has dementia and is in a care home.

Honestly, the last year or so of my life has been the hardest ever. It's thrown so many emotions up. Stuff that has been buried since childhood. I'm okay at the moment but I've been very much verging on clinical depression I think.

Throughout all of this DH has been amazing. He just listens and occasionally offers a suggestion. He just lets me do whatever I need to do. I know it won't stay like this but it's just what I need at the moment.

Maybe your DH needs a similar approach?

Frankly I'm horrified that you apparently work with people who have gone through trauma, yet appear to have no idea about grief and grieving. Really?

I hope your clients get better support than you're managing to give your DH.

It doesn't matter HOW old his Dad was, it's still a shock and a horrible time.

OP, my dh was similar after his dad passed away. It took a good 18 months and a lot of support and talking. 2 years after and he's much better and we are closer for it.

Grief reactions are normal for up to around 18 months, 2 years after bereavement. Most people dont need counselling, what they need is to be able to grieve, hopefully have support around them in terms of their relationsips

Suggesting counselling at the 9 months stage is pathologising what is happening for this person, its not necessary unless it is very much out of the norm and by the sounds of it, it isnt, he is working through it, emulating things which were connected to his dad and familiar.

This, I absolutely hope your opinion that his grief isn't is as important as your clients, as it comes across as 'I work with people who've had REAL trauma, so get over it'....

All I am going to say is that you
sound deeply uncaring and incredibly self centred.

Not nice at all.

Please don't "gently" tell him his grief is "too much". That is not for you to decide. Just love and support him. Grief us hideously painful, the age of the lost parent does not determine how painful the loss.

He sounds full of grief. I imagine it is tough for you as well, but marriage is about going through these highs and lows together. Do you have an Andy's Man Club near you? https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

OP has reviewed herself so no need for name calling

spending evenings and Sundays driving to cemeteries to see what headstone to pick. This is all totally normal ?? Is it??

I mean, this part certainly isn't normal, no.

Grief is hard, it takes time. I personally don't think it's outrageous though that you'd like to spend time with him, he seems to spend time caring for his mum (understandable) and then doing things by himself which is his choice but I can see why you feel a bit lonely. My dad died when DS was a few months old so I had to carry on, which harsh as it sounds probably helped me in the long run. I had counselling because I knew I couldn't opt out of family life whilst I was coming to terms with it, it helped. I don't think there's much you can do, but 9 months on I don't think you're a bad person for asking on an anonymous message board ie not to him when people think he'll have more time for you.

People change after the loss of a parent, the person you are before and after will always be different

@Thehulahooplady My dad died this morning. He had prostate cancer and went downhill rapidly in the last eight weeks. He died after a fall at the bottom of the stairs when DM was helping him get to the loo. Went into cardiac arrest. Niece did chest compressions and paramedics shocked him but he couldnt be revived. He was 88 Im vearing beween not believing it, carrying on as normal , then getting a wave of grief and crying. Your DH is trying to cope in his own way and doing those things may make him feel close to his dad.

I'm so sorry about your DF @JenniferBooth. Even when you know the end may be n at it can still be very hard can't it?

@Thehulahooplady I can't see why you're getting such a hard time in here. When I lost my DF, closely followed by a DA I was very close to I had to more or less just carry on as I had work and two preteens to look after.

It's good that he's taking the time to grieve but it does seem to be overwhelming your life somewhat.

I find that me and DH talk best of we're driving somewhere or if we go out for a meal/drink/coffee.

Could you ask him gently what woukd help him recover? Maybe doing an activity like the fishing rod once a week to help him remember his DF but also plan an activity once a week that might help to lift his mood even if it's something small like going for a walk together in the countryside.

Deeply sorry for your loss Jennifer
(as I have said this is an anon forum and I genuinely don’t feel dh behaviour is normal after this time but if it is I accept that)

I am always supportive on here.. but it’s a very tough place.
dh father was a very tough man who’s values were of a different time - he wasn’t overly nice to mil so I know my views are clouded.

this is will obviously keep to myself and I have respect for the deceased.

coming off here now but thank you those who were kind

Yes, totally normal. It's been nine months, not six years. Grief is individual, and everything he's doing sounds lovely.

He's adjusting to life without his Father and having to care for his Mother at the same time. What are YOU doing to support him in that?

I spoke to dh this evening (in a general sense) he mentioned getting help to me (came up with this himself and his brother is getting help)

so that’s positive- I run the risk now of getting a battering again but he’s copying things from his home place and wanting them here (like he’s trying to recreate his childhood)

I don’t really get it. His father was very tough and critical and they were terrified of him. Our son has his fathers name - we’ve shown enough respect over the years.