Dh has changed since his elderly father died

[Thehulahooplady]

Trying to be as sensitive toward him as possible as his dm has dementia so I totally empathise things are not easy

but over the past 9 months ;he was sick six to eight weeks and died in Late Feb, dh is spending evenings doing up a fishing rod his dad gave as a child (this is nice) but then obviously cares for his dm two or three bedtimes a week (no denying he’s a good man)

please don’t be harsh with me but I’m at the end of my tether with him - he sort of mopes around, doesn’t really want to go out, is planting daffodil bulbs like his father did in lines, spending evenings and Sundays driving to cemeteries to see what headstone to pick. This is all totally normal ?? Is it??

there are four siblings but dh is the most sensible one

I don’t really enjoy weekends anymore - I don’t know how fo gently tell him it’s too much ? Maybe it will take a year ?

Took me two years to start feeling 'normal' again. It's horrible, it's not only grief, it's dealing with things from the past that can no longer be resolved, but need to be dealt with. It also brings your own mortality into focus. I separated from my now ex-H within three years of my parent's death. Now I care for remaining parent who is unwell.

I can't even imagine being annoyed with DH about him grieving a parent, just because I wasn't having fun?

It's not because of that though is it, he isn't spending any time with his young children or helping around the house. OP is doing all of this, I don't know any women who would opt out of their young families life for 9 months plus following the death of an elderly parent.

Whatever your husband is going through - it's 👏 not 👏 about 👏 you.

Of course if is, he is leaving everything up to the OP and isn't spending time with his young children. Your actions don't just affect you when you have a family.

What a terrible thread. Has op had an empathy bypass. Mind you there is clearly more to this than meets the eye.

Honestly I'd support my DH through anything, but if he opted out of family life for 9 months I'd also be questioning when he was going to make any sort of effort to address this so he could actually bother with his children again. I'm surprised others would be fine with this, and I'm curious as to whether OPs husband would be content if roles were reversed; to be the breadwinner whilst also doing everything around the house and with the children, I can guess.

9 months is nothing…

Grief doesn't mean you can tap out of family life indefinitely. There's still a wife and kids who need him, just as much as he needs them. Why is it falling to the woman (again) to solve all the problems and pick up all the pieces?

OP posters have been very harsh on this thread. The more you post, the more it's obvious how little your H is doing. He's not even physically present.

He isnt 'stuck', this is nonsense. Its 9 months, he is processing it because of the actions he is taking so he is moving through his grief, he wouldnt be doing all those things otherwise

I dont see anywehere also that he is opting out of family life, he is doing the diy and gardening, thats physicality and thats good for waves of emotion, particularly grief.

I think a lot of people commmenting here dont understand about the stages of grief, the processing of that etc

How I am supporting him - I literally do everything for him???? Everything eg leave meals for him and he leaves a dish for me to clean. Do all in the house, kids homework, I earn more than him, I do all cleaning and groceries.

Yeah sounds like he really helping. Most people understand grief and have been through it, they also understand when they have a young family that this is ridiculous.

Op has literally said she does everything aside from his occasional DIY and gardening.

@Thehulahooplady so sorry you're being attacked.

I'd stop babying him yourself. He needs to start doing basic stuff at the very least. He can't make a sandwich? Rubbish.

And he has young children so needs to be there for them.
Counselling should help hopefully.
Please get yourself a life outside of this marriage. I do hope you have good friends?

I lost df when he was 57. That's not usual. We had a very difficult relationship. I don't remember grieving much but I was partying a lot. Dm went off the rails a bit but had been controlled for over 30 years. She died in her 80s and it was her time.

Take care op and I hope life gets better for
your family ❤️

Do you have children. If so, it sounds like he’s neglecting his parental duties a bit. If not, I think maybe try and support him in some of this. Maybe not a ‘fun’ weekend. But you could maybe organise a walk together or go with him to help with dm to support him.

Perhaps find your own fun.

When will she find the time to do that? She's been working running the house, supporting her DH and looking after 2 DC.

Like another poster said, most Women would not be able to opt out of family life and expect their Partner to shoulder everything whilst they seemingly did nothing to try and get over their grief.

I think a lot of people are confusing how grief feels, with how grief manifests itself.

It's absolutely possible for the emotions one feels, to last for a very long time. That's not necessarily unhealthy.

What IS unhealthy is when grief, over a long period of time, impacts not only the main mourner, but those around them.
One can't tell this man how he should feel, but they can say that his way of handling his grief is not healthy for the family. His wife cannot continue shouldering the entire day to day burden of family life. His absence from his children's lives is unhealthy for them, and could ultimately have a poor outcome for him if it impacts his relationship with them in the future.

This is why he needs help now, rather than waiting for another six months. As several people have said, if any of us saw a woman friend grieve in this way, ignoring her children, leaving everything to her husband, and closeting herself away with an obsessional task or only going out to look at graveyards, after nine months we'd be very worried about her and her children. Wouldn't we?

Your poor husband. Have a serious word with yourself!

FFS. Read my post above yours. And I'm guessing you've only read the OP and not @Thehulahooplady further posts.

This.

Oh FFS. RTFT.