Dh has changed since his elderly father died

[Thehulahooplady]

Trying to be as sensitive toward him as possible as his dm has dementia so I totally empathise things are not easy

but over the past 9 months ;he was sick six to eight weeks and died in Late Feb, dh is spending evenings doing up a fishing rod his dad gave as a child (this is nice) but then obviously cares for his dm two or three bedtimes a week (no denying he’s a good man)

please don’t be harsh with me but I’m at the end of my tether with him - he sort of mopes around, doesn’t really want to go out, is planting daffodil bulbs like his father did in lines, spending evenings and Sundays driving to cemeteries to see what headstone to pick. This is all totally normal ?? Is it??

there are four siblings but dh is the most sensible one

I don’t really enjoy weekends anymore - I don’t know how fo gently tell him it’s too much ? Maybe it will take a year ?

This is normal OP.

Your husband is grieving, doing what he can with what he knows, You only loose your parent ones in your lifetime, and although you prepare for the inevitable, it is your husbands first time and so he is probably trying really hard to cope.

He sounds like an amasing man.
Rather than be bothered with him, ask him directly how you can love him during this time, its wonders what that little question can open up communication on what he, or you, may need now, and in the future.

Nine months is nothing.

Ny Dad died in January (cardiac arrest, no health issues, aged only 56) and I’m still at the stage of grief where I burst into tears a few days ago because I saw someone pat their dog the same way my Dad used to pat mine. My DP just cuddles me and cries with me because he loved my Dad too, and he can’t bear to see me hurting so much.

Your life changes forever when you lose a parent. Your fun weekends will just have to wait, sorry that your DH’s grief is such an inconvenience for you.

That’s your judgement - inconvenient (bitchy) that’s not what I meant

Goodness OP, you don't come across well. It sounds like you think your dh should not be grieving too much because his df was old. And that you think his 'trauma' is not as bad as that of the people you work with, therefore he should just get a grip.

You're going to tell him when 'it gets too much', rather than try to help him. Do you go to the graveyards with him to look at headstones? Or is he left heading out on his own? He can't make a sandwich, yet does all the DIY etc. Can you use a drill I wonder? Or a circular saw? Or do all the DIY stuff that he does?

He is planting daffodils in rows because he is trying to hang on to something of his father. Be patient.

A lot of people don't seem to be recognising that while his grief needs to be recognised, he has young children.

Having been there several times, I know that you simply cannot put your children's needs aside while you give in to your grief. You just can't. I didn't when I lost my my parent or my husband, and my late husband didn't sideline his children (or me) when his parents died.

These children have basically been without their father for nine months. I can have empathy for OP 's husband's grief, but can't sympathise with his almost total detachment from his family.

He needs help with managing this, and @Thehulahooplady you shouldn't do what do many have suggested and just sit back. He's brought up getting help, so build on that. And talk about the children needing time with their dad.

Finally, I'd ask those who've talked about how awfully they grieved their losses, whether they spent 9 months detached from parenting or spending time with their children (never mind their spouse).

@NameChange1412 Shit thats young so sorry to hear it

I had a complicated relationship with DF, but I loved him dearly.

I didn't cry at all when he died, didn't go to see him in hospital (because I know from past experience he would have hated that) and he chose not to have a funeral so I didn't really get an 'ending'.

A year almost to the day he died later I had a complete breakdown. I couldn't stop crying for what felt like months. I fell completely to pieces and I'm so glad DH's reaction was not to be annoyed I was suddenly grieving or not 'over' it by a certain time.

I can't even imagine being annoyed with DH about him grieving a parent, just because I wasn't having fun?

Do you go to the graveyards with him to look at headstones?

That would be a fun trip out for their DC every weekend wouldn't it.

It's very easy to say that DH's Father was a difficult man and you don't understand why he continues to grieve.

A parent has been with you all your life and that is your normal. If that parent is difficult or authoritarian or anything else it can be difficult to see that because it's your normal.

Families are complex and if you've grown up in a normal functional family it can be very difficult to understand. Perhaps your DH carries a lot of sadness, guilt or anger of how things were or could have been. I know this is what I feel but if I were to try and explain I know most people just wouldn't get it. Advice generally is to just get over it or get a hobby which isn't helpful.

He's also trying to cope with his Mum with dementia which is a horrid disease. He's slowly losing her. Don't dismiss the impact of that.

Both my parents died when I was a young kid and I have sometimes thought other people could get on with things a bit more when they have been lucky to have had their parents into their 80s but maybe the long relationship makes the death worse.
He maybe working through some unresolved feelings -if his dad and him had had a problematic relationship when he was younger or is understandably focussing on the good.
I think you have got a bit of a hard time on here.

It does sound as if he’s mentally working through his complex relationship with his father. Plus, he’s losing his mother due to her dementia.

It’s difficult for your whole family, but I think it’ll improve over time. I was a mess for six months after my Mum died, not great for a year. I’d say it took 18 months to really recover from her loss. Personally, I’d say that if he’s still like this in another six months, he may need some professional help to resolve his feelings. Hang in there. 💐

Did you have children back then? Did you ignore them and spend all your free time filling it with family avoidant obsessional activities? For over a year? All those 18 months?

Apart from what it's doing to his family, this isn't grief that's gradually moving on. He's stuck, and to give him his due, presumably he's recognising it as he's mentioned getting help. But instead of encouraging it, so far (and many people here are supporting that) she's not picked up on what he clearly wanted her to, and she just leaving him to carry on as he has been.

I think that's a mistake. He mentioned getting help in the hope that she would help him take that step, I think.

I just wrote a post about my Dad dying young and your first response was to tell me I’m ‘bitchy’?

Wow…tells us all we need to know about you really, doesn’t it!

@JenniferBooth thank you

OP, with all respect, your DF hasn't recently died. Your Husband shouldn't be doing anything 'for' you.

You're asking if it's unreasonable to expect him to put a limit on how he copes with his grief and in what ways. So yes. Yabu.

If his Dad was an arse, that's likely even more of a reason why he's trying to retain the good memories with the rod and the daffodils. They may be some of the only ones he has, which may also form part of his grief as he's likely grieving the Dad he wished he had growing up, and as an adult, too.

Given that you work with those who experience trauma it's frankly shocking you're not able to emotionally unpick this, or recognise the likely damaged child presenting in his grief.

I work with dying people and their families almost seven days a week every week, and your lack of emotional understanding here is so sad.

Whatever your husband is going through - it's 👏 not 👏 about 👏 you.

Totally agree - my late DF was in his 80's and I honestly feel like I "lost my mind" & lost myself & it's taken me FIVE years to start to come back to life. It was a relationship of 50+ years
OP sounds very uncaring & seems to have no concept of grief

@saraclara That's a good point, perhaps he is asking for her assistance in getting help. No, it was pre children for me so I appreciate that that makes a difference. I was just sharing my grieving timeline and tbh, I was improving by 6-12 months.

Please ignore people criticizing you and shaming you for not being empathetic enough when you do trauma work. Handling your spouses overflowing grief is utterly different, and much more difficult, than working professionally with trauma patients. We are trained in how to manage their demands on us, we do our work within bounds of time and place (sessions, offices) and we try not to take it home. OP’s homelife and safe space has been taken over by her inlaws death and dementia. Her partner/husband and companion now needs more support than he can give. This is perfectly natural and unavoidable but OP may have very little bandwidth on top of her work to manage his absence and grief.

Try to find friends and activities for your time alone so you can “dump out” your pain and sadness to healthy, supportive, friends and “dump in” to him the support he needs.

I agree with this. Nine months really is nothing.

I don’t think it’s normal behaviour and I think grief counselling will be helpful. Your dh needs to know that it’s ok to smile, laugh and have fun again, doing so doesn’t mean he’s forgotten his father. I lost my dh when my children were a similar age to yours and I was constantly ensuring they were able to laugh and play, as well as cry. My goal was to make sure they got through emotionally intact.

His behaviour sounds very unhealthy and I feel for you all.

@pikkumyy77 no one is asking OP to manage her DHs grief. She is not his counsellor. Simply to be a bit more understanding.

And people who have a parent die where the relationship was difficult, can have a longer and more complicated grief reaction. Someone with a great relationship misses that person enormously, but there are less complex feelings to work through. I grieved the dad I never had as well as the one I did.

@Thehulahooplady have you actually had any training in bereavement?
I pity your clients and even moreso your dh who presumably you love. Gosh.

'Is it helpful to grieve this way' is a weird question.

Grief is grief. It's not something you do by choice. It's a wave of emotion, you have to see how it hits you when it comes, then deal with it from within.

Those who force themselves to plough on in the early stages can be affected more severely later.

This guy's father died in February. It's early days.

The father only died in February, it's still very early days.

He can access help if he wants, but grief specialists wouldn't say someone was 'stuck' at this early stage.

Have you suggested you both go somewhere else besides the cemeteries? Or plan on it after he has been.
He will want to carry on certain ways like the daffidols and need time which would be fairly normal in grieving.
Perhaps find your own fun.