Dh has changed since his elderly father died

[Thehulahooplady]

Trying to be as sensitive toward him as possible as his dm has dementia so I totally empathise things are not easy

but over the past 9 months ;he was sick six to eight weeks and died in Late Feb, dh is spending evenings doing up a fishing rod his dad gave as a child (this is nice) but then obviously cares for his dm two or three bedtimes a week (no denying he’s a good man)

please don’t be harsh with me but I’m at the end of my tether with him - he sort of mopes around, doesn’t really want to go out, is planting daffodil bulbs like his father did in lines, spending evenings and Sundays driving to cemeteries to see what headstone to pick. This is all totally normal ?? Is it??

there are four siblings but dh is the most sensible one

I don’t really enjoy weekends anymore - I don’t know how fo gently tell him it’s too much ? Maybe it will take a year ?

How I am supporting him - I literally do everything for him???? Everything eg leave meals for him and he leaves a dish for me to clean. Do all in the house, kids homework, I earn more than him, I do all cleaning and groceries. He does his cycling and fishing and outdoor stuff

what does he do for me ?

If his DF was controlling could he be feeling a bit lost? I think this is fairly normal after losing a controlling "D"P but your DH needs to be willing to start to work out his feelings and find support if he can't.

Yeah I do actually think that Polaroid. Like his sister married someone of a different religion and he never gave the marriage his blessing. Stuff like that. But the way they talk. It’s not my place though - it’s not my family.

dh mother didn’t drive and when her brother died he was outside the hospital ringing and hurrying her up. Anytime she made him something to eat she complained and ran into the kitchen to make something better. He was a hard worker, had plenty of good qualities. But the control is still there I fear.

Maybe dh needs to keep busy so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Maybe that’s it, he literally doesn’t sit down. Up early cycling. Running the roads doing things.

How old are your children?

This sounds ridiculous, it is sad losing a parent but 9 months on to be leaving you to do everything is pathetic, he needs help if he's struggling 9 months on to this extent.

10&12

Grief has no timeline. It does change people. Even if the bereaved are carrying on doing 'normal' stuff - it is most likely that think about their lost loved one everyday but don't share their sadness even with their own family.

It sounds as if your dh had a complex relationship with his dad. Maybe he feels guilty? He probably also feels obligated to support his mum too now.

OP - are you able to talk to your dh - ask him about his dad, ask him to share his feeling about it? Encourage him to share good memories? Share ones that you remember? Talking is the best thing you can do and men don't readily share emotions.

It also sounds like you are run ragged doing everything. Is there anyway you can gently ask him to do small things at first and then build up?

I don't think it's at all reasonable to be grieving so much that you can't or don't engage with family life at all, 9 months on. There are probably usually four elderly parents within a marriage, is family life meant to go on hold for years when each one dies? It might be within the realms of normal but is it helpful to grieve in this way?

They are good kids - dh works hard but is more into diy and gardening (.he literally never stops I cannot fault him) but not inside work eg cooking or stuff
he doesn’t know how to make a sandwich for example but he’s in a high flying job

My DH’s father died 2 years ago.
He was extremely difficult to live with for about 6-9 months after the death, since then he has become more like his old self, but he has lost interest in lots of things - much more scruffy, has dropped his old hobbies……
He did recreate traditions he did with his father, doing them alone, but this has stopped somewhat now……

Give him time and be patient with him. Keep yourself busy with your own hobbies when he needs to do stuff you have little interest in.

He is processing the grief, grief for who dad was and grief for who dad wasnt, it takes a long time and people do things that feel right at the time. As long as its not harmful to him or you or others around him then its 'normal' right now. It will pass.

If it doesnt, after years, then worry about it

Thanks for this.. yes I will make my own life and happiness away from him. It’s unhealthy to be this wrapped up in things. I have had a really tough time at work and have other problems in my life at the moment so I do need to separate all of these things. I’ve booked a holiday with the dc so that’s one positive (dh isn’t really into going out but we did get a holiday end of august that did him good)

I wonder how many mothers opt out of family life for a prolonged period like this? Probably not many ey. Honestly if he wants to keep himself busy, why can't this include helping his children with their homework, helping you around the house? He evidently has energy for his hobby's, if there is something making it challenging in particular for him he should seek some help and support. They're still pretty young and on top of being the breadwinner, doing everything around the house I can see why you're finding it hard.

Thanks soup .. yes it’s early days and I cannot talk about this in real life so it’s good to unpick things.

Personally, I understand your point of view OP. Ill get flamed for it too but I do feel like “man bereavement” exist just like “man flu” 😬
I think he needs to try and be more positive, especially as he has children to be strong for. His dad reached 80, what a triumph. Celebrate this, not dwell in misery.

And for those wondering if I have lost my family - yes, mum and two brothers in the space of 2 years so I have my right to comment on this matter.

Like I came home the other day having left a stew and potatoes in the slow cooker. When I came in (having been to work, the barbers with kids, bought a few bits they needed) he was reading the paper wondering could he eat the stew (I’d put it on at 7am so it was totally done)

this type of babyish behaviour … then he left the dirty dish and went up to his mother.

His mother has dementia but doesn’t need physical care (but he’s gets a lot of positive attention from her)

like even when we married she would buy sweets for him (I do think this is cute by the way) but he was babied at home by her.

I think people have been unnecessarily harsh on this thread. I've lost parents and I've lost my husband. But I didn't shut off from my family during the grieving for any of them.

I'm glad that he's mentioned getting help, because your children need a father who is there for them, not focusing on rows of daffodils and a fishing rod instead of them, after nine months.

When nine month old grief cuts you off from everyone who needs you and makes you carry out obsessive tasks, it's time to get help.

That's exactly the same ages as when I lost my DF. People do handle grief differently but for me I prioritised looking after them and their feelings. 9 months is a mine time, especially at their ages. He needs to start taking part in family life again.

Thank you for this saraclara
i did get a bartering here 😑 but people who know me know I’m not who I was made out to be in the early part of this thread

wow it’s tough on here now

I think I will keep an eye on him and call him out if it gets too much

@Thehulahooplady @PolaroidPrincess Thankyou

When my DD's father died DD seemed to almost try to "be" him. He had a lot of hobbies and she tried to take most of them on. She didn't have the time really. He died nearly 3 years ago and her grief has gradually eased. As it has done so she has gradually dropped the hobbies and has started to find new homes for all his hobby equipment and to sell his house.
She is now ready to let him go.
The grieving takes as long as it needs to. It can't be rushed.
When my second DH died he was ill for a year and I grieved for him during that year. I felt guilty for the relief I felt when he died. I was relieved because his suffering was over not because he had died. Yet I didn't understand it at the time.
When my ex husband (DD's father) died I was bereft. It took almost two years of grieving before I felt normal again. That was because I had known him for 44 years and since my 2nd husband died he had become my closest and best friend again. He was ill for a few short months and I looked after him during that time. It was a huge shock when he died and I became very depressed six months later. Even now, nearly 3 years since he died, I have some days when I miss him terribly and can do nothing. I'm not sure that will ever go away. Grief really is a journey and we shouldn't expect short cuts along the way.

My df was a very difficult character, and I think that can be more difficult to process. You grieve the person they were, the person you wished they were, the person you saw glimpses of, and when it’s a parent you’re grieving the person you perceived at all the different stages of life.

For the first while I found it difficult to remember any of his flaws - he just became sort of sanctified in my memory for a while.

Losing a parent is incredibly destabilising. My df was in his 80s and I absolutely cannot fathom how people who lose parents at a young age must cope. I found that all our family relationships were changed, as if, without his gravity our little solar system was fundamentally changed.

It takes time, and lots of it. But while it’s important to be patient op, it’s also important to draw him back to the living. He has family responsibilities too, and being a good husband and father will be healing in their way too.

It sounds difficult and I do you think you’ve been supportive of him.

I guess the fishing rod is just trying to feel connected to his dad.

When my in laws died, dh wanted lots of his parents pictures put up in the house. I didn’t want to re-create his parents house, so didn’t have any downstairs, had one (of my favourite ones) in bedroom, and the others in his office.

Maybe it’s time to have a conversation about how he it’s affecting you. Suggest things you could all do together, such as a meal out, or takeaway and movie.

I will be patient (and I have been) I have just listened and not judged or said how I perceive things. I think it’s very sad how his mother’s dementia took hold of her so rapidly too. It’s a very hard time for him. Our relationship is over 15 years now and we know each other over 20 (we were friends first)

as they say life isn’t a fairytale