Would you be hurt?

[Pickingmyselfup]

So last year my husband got home from work on my birthday without even a card let alone anything else. He normally gets flowers and prosecco as a standard so when he couldn't even be bothered to get them I was like wtf. Then he goes to the shop and I asked him to pick me up some gin for the weekend...the next morning he hasn't even put it in the fridge or even taken it out of the shopping bag.

Huge argument and he says he will make more effort from then on.

Fast forward to 8 months later I send him a message and say this is what I would like you to buy me. Gave him all the details so he didn't even have to think about it, all he had to do was follow instructions.

Friday just gone I ask him if he has organised the present and he looks at me blankly and he's like you didn't tell me what you wanted and then tried to tell me I hadn't sent the message until I showed him the proof.

He ordered it in front of me but the standard shipping meant it wouldn't arrive until after my birthday. Ordinarily I wouldn't care but it felt a bit like a slap in the face because I had to remind him and the only reason I did was because I didn't want to end up disappointed again. As it happens it's arrived, he thinks I'm now overreacting because "he was going to order it this weekend anyway" yet he he couldn't remember what it was.

He's supposed to be booking us a night away for 2 weeks time, he hadn't organised anything last week so I was like why don't you want to organise anything with me then he's all like oh I thought we would do xyz.

Obviously a week later with 2 weeks to go nothing has yet been organised (definitely hasn't because he hasn't confirmed childcare with his mum which I told him to do) and he says I'm overreacting again, there is plenty of time blah blah blah.

I just feel like an afterthought, he isn't bothered enough about me to pull his finger out and organise stuff in good time. I book everything for us, organise all the childcare with our parents and I freely admit I'm a control freak and can get on his case a bit but I left it in charge of this because if it doesn't go ahead then it's just a disappointment, we don't lose money or anything.

I just feel like what's the point, I now don't want to go because I feel like he's being forced into it.

What a lovely healthy and inspiring sounding relationship this sounds Op

i reckon you’ve been biding your time all year to have another go at him about this. How depressing. He can’t be arsed to buy you a present despite your clear instructions re “what to buy me” and you seem to live in a perpetual state of being pissed off with him

please say no children involved?

You’re not important to him

How exactly are you spinning this round on being my fault?

Nah that's crap.
I'd be really hurt if DH forgot my birthday. We don't really go big, but always hang up the bunting, bake each other a cake (badly decorated by DS) and have a special birthday tea.

Mind, this year I had a nightmare with DHs presents and they didn't arrive until after his birthday. It was my fault, I should have ordered them sooner, but they were also delayed so he got some IOUs instead of his actual gifts which I was really sorry about.

I hate it when women, who do the vast majority of the grunt/admin work, get called control freaks. No, that’s men’s way of shutting us up.
I’ve seen a TikTok where it says something like, ‘no I’m not a control freak, you just need to put it back where it belongs’.

Sorry to say you're not a priority. I bet he can organise himself when it's something he wants. You need to decide what you want to do about it? He won't change BTW, so you need to be ok with this type of behaviour, and be ok with being the one that does all the home admin.

You are driving your husband away with your need to control everything. Your chickens are coming to roost I am afraid. I mean it kindly

To answer your question, yes I would be hurt by this.

However, if this ever happened my DP would be so apologetic and do something amazing for me afterwards and feel very guilty. The fact he didn’t do that tells you what you need to know.

In terms of booking things, my DP is also shocking at that so I have to manage it all. It just wouldn’t get done. But the forgetting your birthday thing isn’t nice at all and he sounds like he doesn’t really care. Sorry 💐

it is not your fault

it’s a marriage that is dead in the water. He can’t be arsed

I am a control freak yes but I don't want to control everything. I reminded him about my present because I knew if I didn't I would end up being disappointed but I guess I'm still disappointed so I probably should have just kept my mouth shut.

Fast forward to 8 months later I send him a message and say this is what I would like you to buy me

I mean not something i would do but 🤷 you want a present from him. Goodness knows why though… where’s the pleasure or joy in that kind of gift? Aside from maybe being able what you can post on SM that your partner bought you?

He ordered it in front of me

Surely you see how messed up this entire situation is?

Well no, I wanted a bracelet which is like a charm bracelet, all of the charms have my running races on.

I could have got it myself but it's the kind of thing that is suitable for a present and it also ties in with a race I have next weekend so it's perfect timing.

op your focus is all wrong

it’s a very unhappy marriage and going back your other threads, very seriously so. So why are you so focussed on getting the gift that you ordered him to buy?

Buy it yourself
and then focus on addressing this marriage

I swear there’s more men on here now, when these threads pop up along the lines of ‘DH made no effort/forgot my birthday’, the amount of people saying birthdays don’t matter and chill out.

It does matter, it’s not unreasonable to expect a bit of fuss, a present, some consideration. It’s about respect and gratitude, and you can bet the wife is making a fuss is everyone else for their birthday/Christmas.

The amount of people sticking up for these pitiful men is just astounding, and it’s sad their bar is set so low in terms of treatment and respect in relationships.

Him buying you gifts for your birthday won't make up for the disdain in which you both think of each other.

It's not the present perse, it's what is symbolises. He wants to make the effort and make me feel appreciated and isn't leaving me as a last minute thought.

no one is saying that on this thread

this is indicative of a marriage in a very poor state and the Op’s focus needs to be redirected

yes Op!!!

He can’t be arsed. Clearly.

That’s a fact and has been going on for years. And is in fact the tip of the iceberg

hence me suggesting you forget the bloomin gift and concentrate on the much more serious issue… your marriage

Who keeps gin in the fridge?

(sorry)

Do you like reading? If you do I would recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk book. It's written by a male-female team of family therapists. There's a a list "50 ways women upset men without trying". Men just aren't good talking about things that upset them

Me! I can't stand ice so the gin and tonic live in the fridge

I like to keep my gin in the freezer (and all the other spirits that don't freeze!)

Why aren't you answering pp's posts about your marriage generally?