Would you be hurt?

[Pickingmyselfup]

So last year my husband got home from work on my birthday without even a card let alone anything else. He normally gets flowers and prosecco as a standard so when he couldn't even be bothered to get them I was like wtf. Then he goes to the shop and I asked him to pick me up some gin for the weekend...the next morning he hasn't even put it in the fridge or even taken it out of the shopping bag.

Huge argument and he says he will make more effort from then on.

Fast forward to 8 months later I send him a message and say this is what I would like you to buy me. Gave him all the details so he didn't even have to think about it, all he had to do was follow instructions.

Friday just gone I ask him if he has organised the present and he looks at me blankly and he's like you didn't tell me what you wanted and then tried to tell me I hadn't sent the message until I showed him the proof.

He ordered it in front of me but the standard shipping meant it wouldn't arrive until after my birthday. Ordinarily I wouldn't care but it felt a bit like a slap in the face because I had to remind him and the only reason I did was because I didn't want to end up disappointed again. As it happens it's arrived, he thinks I'm now overreacting because "he was going to order it this weekend anyway" yet he he couldn't remember what it was.

He's supposed to be booking us a night away for 2 weeks time, he hadn't organised anything last week so I was like why don't you want to organise anything with me then he's all like oh I thought we would do xyz.

Obviously a week later with 2 weeks to go nothing has yet been organised (definitely hasn't because he hasn't confirmed childcare with his mum which I told him to do) and he says I'm overreacting again, there is plenty of time blah blah blah.

I just feel like an afterthought, he isn't bothered enough about me to pull his finger out and organise stuff in good time. I book everything for us, organise all the childcare with our parents and I freely admit I'm a control freak and can get on his case a bit but I left it in charge of this because if it doesn't go ahead then it's just a disappointment, we don't lose money or anything.

I just feel like what's the point, I now don't want to go because I feel like he's being forced into it.

The one i have just read was about unhappy ongoing situation with your Dh and nothing to do with hair and makeup

Sounds like u love the fact he is annoying u and are stacking up everything he does wrong.

I got the impression OP has been counting down since the disappointment of last year

Well maybe that's where I'm going wrong then. It's not my intention but maybe that's the vibe I give off?

As it turns out he's done pretty well, helped the kids pick some nice presents and cards but would be have done if I hadn't have had a bit of a strop about it?

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and let others do what they believe is right and go from there. I think I'm just so worried about being forgotten that I get involved.

when is your birthday?

but would be have done if I hadn't have had a bit of a strop about it?

No OP

but you know that already

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and let others do what they believe is right and go from there. I think I'm just so worried about being forgotten that I get involved.

without you repeatedly reminding him and sending him links as to what you want him to buy… there is no chance he will arrange something next year

So your dilemma is… accept that or leave. Because this is not a man who either gives a hoot about birthdays per se OR doesn’t give a fig about doing something for you that he knows is clearly very very very imp to you

Well exactly, they are the options I have and I need to learn from this and go forward from that.

I probably am still holding a bit of a grudge from last year but I wouldn't blame someone else for doing so so I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

Another year done, let's see what another year brings. I don't mind sending a specific present idea especially if it's something that seems a bit much to buy day to day but sometimes I don't actually want anything specific and I guess they can be the hardest.

Kids have done well, they were guided a bit which is fair enough considering their ages but they know what I like and don't like even so young. I will train them well to treat their future partners the way they should be treated so all is not lost.

when is your birthday op?

I wouldn't want to organise anything for you either. You sound insufferable.
BTW wtf puts gin in the fridge!

But you don't know that; she said last year was the first year that he didn't get her anything, and if every other year he had then chances are something was going on his life at that time that OP hasn't told us about.
My OH forgot to get me a card and gift one year it didn't bother me because he'd been running his parents back and forth to hospital appointments because his Dad had cancer.
My ex on the other hand forgot every year and that did upset me!

If you genuinely love someone, buying gifts isn't a chore or hard 🤷🏻‍♀️

To me it shows their true feelings.

My ex-husband bought me a McDonald's for my 40th - we were separated not long after that, I had enough.

Charming but hey, that's your opinion and that's fine.

I put gin in the freezer but the fridge will do if need be.

Anyway, the present arrived in time although I did have a hand in that after reminding him!

He took the kids shopping and between them they got me some really nice presents that were very "me"

For me it's the money but the thought that goes into it. His birthday is coming up and I've already been thinking for a while what to get him. I will always make sure the kids pick a present for him and a card, they pick, I facilitate because to me it's important.

Let's see how next year goes because we've had a few not great ones. Maybe it's just me because last year I made his card and drew pictures of his favourite stuff thinking it would be personal but he's like..you forgot to go to the shop. No, I chose to make you a card because to me it symbolises more thought than getting a genetic card.

I do. Is this wrong?

Only if you can't feed your kids because your fridge is full of gin.

I never have any ice and quite often my mixers aren't the coldest so it makes perfect sense to me. My dad also keeps his in the freezer and I've known people to keep jagermeister in the freezer too although that really belongs in hell 🤢

That's a perceptive point that you are worried about being forgotten. Would you consider some therapy to talk about that worry? It might be interfering with your relationships. When you desperately need another person to give you something, and try to force if out of them, they quite often pull away so you end up with even less. Just a thought.

Yes the gin and the tonic and rum and other mixers all in the fridge.

Also, I keep Jag in the freezer. Great stuff!!

I thought all of this was normal.

They would be here all day with me and my irrationalness!

If mixers are in the fridge and ice to hand I wouldn't bother but I'm not that organised.

I can almost taste jagermeister and it's making me feel sick!!

Good grief

😄
You can't be serious. What sexist codswallop this book must be, putting all the responsibility on women because poor men aren't good at being adults and talking things out. That's their problem to solve.

Some of the comments on here are harsh!!

I totally understand your situation OP. My hubby is a lovely guy but he can be a crappy husband now and again and is not great with birthdays/Mother’s Day.

i organise all other birthday stuff (our kids/ family/friends) so the only one he needs to organise is mine - and I’m not one for a fuss, or anything fancy but at least a significant acknowledgment from him and the kids.

one year I spent my birthday on my own, in a coffee shop, trying really hard not to cry!! He came into the bedroom in the morning (having just gone to the supermarket) with the kids, I had cards from them and chocolates, he disappeared before I’d even opened them and then sat watching sport all day (I despise sports!) - basically to him, my birthday was that 5 minute period that he corralled the kids into my bedroom.

I think me walking out that day give him a nudge as Mother’s Day that year had more effort.

i don’t expect him to put in all the effort I do for him, but at least some effort. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to expect some effort from your other half.

And it doesn’t matter if he puts in effort at other times of the year, nothing says “you’re not that important to me” than dismissing someone’s birthday (especially when that person has expressed how important their birthday is) - so if he in fact doesn’t feel that way, then he needs to show that with his actions, otherwise that’s what impression he is gonna keep giving you.

i don’t understand how someone wouldn’t want to put in some effort to make someone they love happy!!!
you’ve said you’ve had conversations with him about you both looking after your marriage, well putting in a bit of effort for something that’s important to you isn’t an unreasonable ask nor would it even take that much effort on his part!

im not gonna say “leave him” over this like some others, but I wouldn’t blame you if this did end your relationship in the future, because he cannot be bothered to do even the simplest of things to look after your marriage.

Maybe he's going through something that your not aware of men don't share and maybe he's worried about something. Just a thought

Utter rubbish. Don't defend the useless manchild.

OP I'd be well fucked off too. And if it's part of a cycle and youre not happy, well....