Would you be hurt?

[Pickingmyselfup]

So last year my husband got home from work on my birthday without even a card let alone anything else. He normally gets flowers and prosecco as a standard so when he couldn't even be bothered to get them I was like wtf. Then he goes to the shop and I asked him to pick me up some gin for the weekend...the next morning he hasn't even put it in the fridge or even taken it out of the shopping bag.

Huge argument and he says he will make more effort from then on.

Fast forward to 8 months later I send him a message and say this is what I would like you to buy me. Gave him all the details so he didn't even have to think about it, all he had to do was follow instructions.

Friday just gone I ask him if he has organised the present and he looks at me blankly and he's like you didn't tell me what you wanted and then tried to tell me I hadn't sent the message until I showed him the proof.

He ordered it in front of me but the standard shipping meant it wouldn't arrive until after my birthday. Ordinarily I wouldn't care but it felt a bit like a slap in the face because I had to remind him and the only reason I did was because I didn't want to end up disappointed again. As it happens it's arrived, he thinks I'm now overreacting because "he was going to order it this weekend anyway" yet he he couldn't remember what it was.

He's supposed to be booking us a night away for 2 weeks time, he hadn't organised anything last week so I was like why don't you want to organise anything with me then he's all like oh I thought we would do xyz.

Obviously a week later with 2 weeks to go nothing has yet been organised (definitely hasn't because he hasn't confirmed childcare with his mum which I told him to do) and he says I'm overreacting again, there is plenty of time blah blah blah.

I just feel like an afterthought, he isn't bothered enough about me to pull his finger out and organise stuff in good time. I book everything for us, organise all the childcare with our parents and I freely admit I'm a control freak and can get on his case a bit but I left it in charge of this because if it doesn't go ahead then it's just a disappointment, we don't lose money or anything.

I just feel like what's the point, I now don't want to go because I feel like he's being forced into it.

See that's what we've been trying to do.

We've both admitted that we have taken each other for granted so we have started doing more stuff just the 2 of us to take time out of the daily grind, away from being "just parents" so we can reconnect as a couple which I think is important.

I've been the one to organise every break for us or us as a family so I asked him to organise it and left him to do it but we are now 2 weeks away and he hasn't even sorted us somewhere to stay. I could do it myself, I could wait and see what happens but if doesn't organise it then I may as well organise something for me because he doesn't want to come with me. I feel that if he did want to he would have booked it by now but maybe that's my head talking and not his.

I don't want to end up getting to that weekend, he hasn't organised anything and it's all a bit of a let down.

I didn't know I wasn't.

It's had its issues, we've both taken each other for granted and been snippy with each other and he has felt like I've been so focused on the kids I've neglected him (physically)

We have both agreed that marriage needs effort put in from both sides and I've been trying to do that. Small things like cooking us dinner and having a "romantic" meal in or organising nights/weekends away.

It's good you are both trying. However maybe he doesn't fancy the travel and the hassle? Or worried about the money? Maybe his idea of relaxation is watching a movie after the kids have gone to bed?

No we've done this a few times now.

2022 we went away together for the weekend over the summer then for my birthday we had a night away and did something together the next day.

Last year we had a relaxing mini break for a long weekend so this year because we have a big family holiday coming up and can't afford a long weekend as said we should do a night away again because we had a really good time when we did it last. I gave him a suggestion of somewhere we could go, he had a suggestion, I don't really mind but I said I wanted to get a bit dressed up and have dinner and drinks together so a city break would be best.

We often go out separately because of childcare issues so it's not that he doesn't have the energy.

Bollocks. He's fucking useless.

So you’ve both agreed your relationship needs help but you’ve done all the work so far. What has he done to help your relationship?

I’m going to be brutal but if he wanted to he would. IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD. If he cared about you and your marriage he would be doing these things like you are. what has he done in the last year show you he cares about you?

He does things like fix something of mine when it breaks, pick up stuff I've asked for from the shop on the way home because it means I don't have to traipse the kids out with me. I also do the shop thing although I don't fix things because I'm no good with fixing things.

The year before last he picked up some surprise champagne as a present for my birthday so obviously when he didnt even get me a card I was very upset.

He's coming to the race next weekend with the kids so they will be there at the finish line and he did the same last year with one of my races too.

I have sympathy for you. I am a highly organised person, in both professional and personal life. However I have discovered I can only keep peace in the family by focusing on my own and children's staff. For example, my husband got a garden shed on sale last September. The plan was to move some staff out of the house and into the shed (his idea). I accept nobody builds and paints sheds in winter. Spring has come and gone, the shed hasn't been built up. Summer has come and gone, the shed hasn't been built up. September is on, rain is on the forecast, my husband decides to built up the shed. We are now in October and the shed still needs one coat of paint. You tell me his logic! And yet, based on my experience, if I had said anything at all during spring and summer we would have had an argument about me always controlling his time and trying to run his life! So I made a strategic decision to put up with the boxes in the house and keep peace in the family. My husband does generally cook and clean no complaints about it. But I can't tell him when to cook and clean otherwise there's an argument and sulking. I am going to admit I am following the advice from the Surrendered Wife book. Much maligned on Mumsnet but works for me.

She mentioned organising child care

Op in future
Let people do what they want to do so you can see what they would rather do.

My birthday would already be ruined for me. You’ve had to force him to buy you a present and repeatedly push him to organise the weekend.

Neither ‘gesture’ now shows any care or any of the things you want it to mean. It’s all pretty meaningless.

If he hasn’t booked anything off his own bat by the end of the weekend, sort out your own birthday do with some friends.

I agree with others. Your marriage sounds awful and I think you’re bringing out the worst in each other.

I suggest you arrange your own bday with your friends and buy yourself a present. By you showing him and reminding him it's not him buying it anyway 😂... However looks like this is one of many issues you have in your relationship.

He does not love or respect you, this is most definitely not your fault.

I would serve divorce papers and follow through. You matter op. As a human being and as his wife. He disregards you in every single way. There is no coming back from this level of indifference.

Serve the papers without a word.

Well he's started looking at places now and is sorting it out.

Maybe if I hadn't have opened my big mouth he still would have done it. He very much leaves things until the last minute but I can't do that and that's where we clash.

I am sorry to say I can’t see this improving in the medium to long term. The way you make loved ones feel special is to actually consider their needs, respond out of love and care, and want to make them happy. Your spoon feeding will not improve matters, or bring contentment and satisfaction - because the effort is still coming from you and not him.

You could be right and it's certainly something to think about in the long term.

In the short term I do need to try let go a bit more and stop spoon feeding him because I just end up feeling just as disappointed!

It's very hard when I'm a planner and I need things to be done in good time and he's the total opposite. We need to somehow meet in the middle.

We genuinely have a good relationship on the whole but there are definite areas to improve on, only time will tell if we make it or break it.

It always tricky when one person likes things done in advance and someone else is a more immediate , my partner is a planner ( which can be an issue sometimes , but I can them as inflexible and rigid and not wanting to be enjoy the moment

What does he do in his spare time?

What utter bollocks. I mean it kindly.

All the OP wants is for her life partner to act like a grown-up and do something nice for once with out having to be continually reminded. Instead of that, he's an arsehole who doesn't give a shit about her.

Quite new to this how do you read threads from the same poster? Thanks 🙏

If you're looking for mine there aren't many. One about him hating my hair and the other about passports (resolved)

Otherwise it's stuff about makeup and weight loss.

Not a lot really, he goes out once or twice a week to activities hosted by friends and that's it. Kind of tailed off for the winter now since they do mostly outdoor stuff.

We generally have the same amount of spare time, mine is over more days but less time per day, his is less days but more time per day.

Of course! He’s a twat.

OP if you hadn’t badgered him, you’d have nothing again for your birthday.

If you hadn’t made the effort to book trips he wouldn’t have bothered and so there would have been zero ‘reconnecting’ activities talking place.

Was the surprise champagne all that you got the previous year? Something he would also enjoy?

Picking things up from the shop on his way home is a bare minimum, and presumably they are things he’ll benefit from such as meal ingredients.

Doesn’t sound like he gives a shit to me OP. See if he manages to make an effort for you at Christmas. If not, why not plan to leave? If you stay, plan a birthday meal out with your friends next year. And don’t make an effort for his birthdays.

💐 🎂