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Original poster

Would this bother you?

93 replies

MmPlumPorter · 03/10/2024 08:07

Will keep this brief 🤞🏻

I have a small group of friends (there's 5 of us in total). We have known each other for around 4 or 5 years.

We all used to met up with each other on a fairly ad hoc basis but it was tricky so we recently (a couple of months ago) decided to formalise the meet up a bit. We now have one evening a week where we meet in a local pub.

It's not a big night and everyone drives so we meet around 6-8pm it's pretty loose, everyone has a drink, stays as long as they can and then goes home to do family stuff.

A few weeks ago, my husband came to pick me up (I'm without a car at the moment) and we hadn't quite finished so he sat with us for about 20 mins before we left.

Every week since, one particular woman has asked if he's coming and told me to tell him to get there earlier so he can join us properly.

He hasn't and still arrives 20 mins before we leave and chats with all of them. But I've noticed that, over the past 3 weeks, she will ask about him beforehand, save a space next to her for him, is always very pleased to see him, is quite tactile with him and has made more of an effort with her appearance than she normally does.

Last week, he was later arriving and didn't get there until nearly 8. She never stays beyond that (a couple of us linger for a bit longer sometimes) but she stayed another half hour and then hugged him and told him how lovely it had been to see him again and spend a bit longer talking.

I don't know if he's noticed this but ignores it if he has and always respnds appropriately. I'm possibly more aware of it because she has a particular characteristic that I know he finds attractive and so, if he were to be attracted to any of them, it would be her.

I must admit, I do feel a bit uncomfortable with it.

I'm also not feeling all that great about myself at the moment.

OP posts:
isItgreenerontheotherside · 03/10/2024 08:12

MmPlumPorter · 03/10/2024 08:07

Will keep this brief 🤞🏻

I have a small group of friends (there's 5 of us in total). We have known each other for around 4 or 5 years.

We all used to met up with each other on a fairly ad hoc basis but it was tricky so we recently (a couple of months ago) decided to formalise the meet up a bit. We now have one evening a week where we meet in a local pub.

It's not a big night and everyone drives so we meet around 6-8pm it's pretty loose, everyone has a drink, stays as long as they can and then goes home to do family stuff.

A few weeks ago, my husband came to pick me up (I'm without a car at the moment) and we hadn't quite finished so he sat with us for about 20 mins before we left.

Every week since, one particular woman has asked if he's coming and told me to tell him to get there earlier so he can join us properly.

He hasn't and still arrives 20 mins before we leave and chats with all of them. But I've noticed that, over the past 3 weeks, she will ask about him beforehand, save a space next to her for him, is always very pleased to see him, is quite tactile with him and has made more of an effort with her appearance than she normally does.

Last week, he was later arriving and didn't get there until nearly 8. She never stays beyond that (a couple of us linger for a bit longer sometimes) but she stayed another half hour and then hugged him and told him how lovely it had been to see him again and spend a bit longer talking.

I don't know if he's noticed this but ignores it if he has and always respnds appropriately. I'm possibly more aware of it because she has a particular characteristic that I know he finds attractive and so, if he were to be attracted to any of them, it would be her.

I must admit, I do feel a bit uncomfortable with it.

I'm also not feeling all that great about myself at the moment.

Best thing you can do is talk to your husband about your concerns.

Alicana · 03/10/2024 08:13

I don’t think you have anything to worry about. If she does fancy him (and that is a big if!), she can’t force him into cheating on you. He seems completely unbothered about it and I would just shrug it off.

You’re not going to be without a car forever, so this is very temporary thing. If it’s really troubling you, just get him to wait outside.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 03/10/2024 08:14

You reveal more in your last few words than in the whole rest of what you have put. I'm sorry you are not feeling good about yourself right now. Is there a reason behind that?

I suspect that because of how you feel about yourself you are slightly oversensitive about people and how they interact around you. Your friend might just enjoy your husbands company and there is nothing wrong with that - after all you enjoy his company too and there must be a reason why. He has behaved entirely appropriately with this woman so clearly nothing to be concerned with there. Stop comparing yourself to her or others. It won't take you to any better places. It sounds like she is a tactile and flirty person, that doesn't mean she is making moves on him or anything else.
Focus more on why you are lacking confidence and fix that. Then you will see this more clearly.

isItgreenerontheotherside · 03/10/2024 08:16

GarrynotsoGorilla · 03/10/2024 08:14

You reveal more in your last few words than in the whole rest of what you have put. I'm sorry you are not feeling good about yourself right now. Is there a reason behind that?

I suspect that because of how you feel about yourself you are slightly oversensitive about people and how they interact around you. Your friend might just enjoy your husbands company and there is nothing wrong with that - after all you enjoy his company too and there must be a reason why. He has behaved entirely appropriately with this woman so clearly nothing to be concerned with there. Stop comparing yourself to her or others. It won't take you to any better places. It sounds like she is a tactile and flirty person, that doesn't mean she is making moves on him or anything else.
Focus more on why you are lacking confidence and fix that. Then you will see this more clearly.

What they said !

Whereoneartharewe · 03/10/2024 08:16

If she is being noticibly tactile with him then I think you would be justified in having a conversation with him about this. How it makes you feel. Ask him to perhaps to not go and sit next to her in the seat she's saved etc.
Hopefully he will be understanding and assert his boundaries with this woman. If he doesn't then you will know you have something to worry about.

Original poster
MmPlumPorter · 03/10/2024 08:16

GarrynotsoGorilla

Most of what you have written is hat I've been telling myself.

Although, she isn't tactile with everyone. She's never hugged me and I've never seen her be tactile with anyone else. She's told me before that she doesn't actualy like all that.

OP posts:
Midsomereve · 03/10/2024 08:17

She sounds charming. Your husband shouldn't be gate crashing the group like that. It alters the dynamics. I would just leave when he arrives.

Original poster
MmPlumPorter · 03/10/2024 08:22

I'm not really worried about him cheating.

But I'm unsure whether she's being disrespectful.

There are a couple of other things too but I'm worried about those being identifiable.

OP posts:
Original poster
MmPlumPorter · 03/10/2024 08:22

Midsomereve · 03/10/2024 08:17

She sounds charming. Your husband shouldn't be gate crashing the group like that. It alters the dynamics. I would just leave when he arrives.

He isn't gatecrashing. He's doing me a favour.

OP posts:
bitsalty · 03/10/2024 08:25

Midsomereve · 03/10/2024 08:17

She sounds charming. Your husband shouldn't be gate crashing the group like that. It alters the dynamics. I would just leave when he arrives.

I wonder how the other friends feel about him now joining them every week.

If my partner was picking me up he'd probably wait in the car.

It does sound like this woman is flirting though.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 03/10/2024 08:27

MmPlumPorter · 03/10/2024 08:16

GarrynotsoGorilla

Most of what you have written is hat I've been telling myself.

Although, she isn't tactile with everyone. She's never hugged me and I've never seen her be tactile with anyone else. She's told me before that she doesn't actualy like all that.

Is she married herself? What's her personal situation? Is she happy? There might be an attraction to your husband, maybe she sees how he puts himself out for you and projects onto that as that is something she misses from her relationship. Doesn't mean he is going to be jumping into bed with her, and doesn't mean she is disrespectful of you, she might not even realise she has altered her behaviour.

You seem to have dodged the important part here that you are not feeling confident with yourself. You need to address that.

Original poster
MmPlumPorter · 03/10/2024 08:27

bitsalty · 03/10/2024 08:25

I wonder how the other friends feel about him now joining them every week.

If my partner was picking me up he'd probably wait in the car.

It does sound like this woman is flirting though.

Show quote history

Maybe I'll just ask him to wait in the car next time and say I'll come straight out.

OP posts:
neonjumper · 03/10/2024 08:29

Why doesn't he wait in the car like most people who are there to pick up ?
If I'm meeting friends I wouldn't want to spend some of that time with someone else's husband joining us.
Tell your husband to wait in the car .
And that 'friend'is not a friend to you and sounds like an desperate idiot !

AnonAnonmystery · 03/10/2024 08:51

I’m a cynical one and also I would feel how you feel. I’ll prob get a bad response here but I’d stop going for a few weeks and break the cycle. This woman isn’t your friend and she’s acting inappropriately. She would be breaking my boundaries and she’s certainly breaking yours too.

BetterEveryday2 · 03/10/2024 09:03

I think there might be chemistry and alcohol giving her courage to be flirty. If i were getting picked up, dh would just text me and i leave. He wouldnt join my friends

Original poster
MmPlumPorter · 03/10/2024 12:38

GarrynotsoGorilla

She is married.

Your perspective is helpful so thank you.

neonjumper

He did the first time time but everyone told me to tell him to come in.

I don't think she's desperate or an idiot. It's normal to be attracted to people but I just feel like I'm watching it happen before my eyes. I agree that she might not even realise she's doing it. She might just he being friendly!

They get on well. There's nothing wrong with that but I think am a bit sensitive to it all at the moment.

OP posts:
GarrynotsoGorilla · 03/10/2024 12:41

If you need to talk more privately about your insecurities, here to listen. Just drop me a message.

MsDogLady · 03/10/2024 16:20

@MmPlumPorter, your unsettled feelings are valid. This woman has a crush on your H and is flirting with him. She is not your friend.

Her eagerness for him to come, saving him a place by her every time, being tactile (atypical for her), hugging, gushing, and staying overtime when he was late getting there — taken together, these moves are inappropriate. It is also telling that she has noticeably stepped up her grooming since he entered the picture. She clearly gets a buzz from interacting with him.

This really needs to be nipped asap, @MmPlumPorter. I agree with @AnonAnonmystery‘s suggestion to not join the group for a few weeks. When you do resume going, definitely have H wait in the car and don’t be cajoled into calling him to come in.

I would share with him my discomfort with her actions, and would expect him to back me up.

roseyn91 · 03/10/2024 16:22

MmPlumPorter · 03/10/2024 08:07

Will keep this brief 🤞🏻

I have a small group of friends (there's 5 of us in total). We have known each other for around 4 or 5 years.

We all used to met up with each other on a fairly ad hoc basis but it was tricky so we recently (a couple of months ago) decided to formalise the meet up a bit. We now have one evening a week where we meet in a local pub.

It's not a big night and everyone drives so we meet around 6-8pm it's pretty loose, everyone has a drink, stays as long as they can and then goes home to do family stuff.

A few weeks ago, my husband came to pick me up (I'm without a car at the moment) and we hadn't quite finished so he sat with us for about 20 mins before we left.

Every week since, one particular woman has asked if he's coming and told me to tell him to get there earlier so he can join us properly.

He hasn't and still arrives 20 mins before we leave and chats with all of them. But I've noticed that, over the past 3 weeks, she will ask about him beforehand, save a space next to her for him, is always very pleased to see him, is quite tactile with him and has made more of an effort with her appearance than she normally does.

Last week, he was later arriving and didn't get there until nearly 8. She never stays beyond that (a couple of us linger for a bit longer sometimes) but she stayed another half hour and then hugged him and told him how lovely it had been to see him again and spend a bit longer talking.

I don't know if he's noticed this but ignores it if he has and always respnds appropriately. I'm possibly more aware of it because she has a particular characteristic that I know he finds attractive and so, if he were to be attracted to any of them, it would be her.

I must admit, I do feel a bit uncomfortable with it.

I'm also not feeling all that great about myself at the moment.

Don't trust her

talatala · 03/10/2024 17:08

Nah do not talk to him about it, it will make it a 'thing' in his head, and an ego boost, which he is not pursuing currently so it's not on him.

Talk to her about it. Say you've noticed how she is acting towards your husband, you are uncomfortable about it and if it continues then you'll tell her husband, if it's so fine to behave like that he won't have a problem with it surely?!

Also, get him to wait outside in car for you as well.

pizzaHeart · 03/10/2024 17:11

bitsalty · 03/10/2024 08:25

I wonder how the other friends feel about him now joining them every week.

If my partner was picking me up he'd probably wait in the car.

It does sound like this woman is flirting though.

Show quote history

This^
when my DH picks me up he txts me and then wait in the car.,
agree that this woman behaves inappropriately.

Surestat · 03/10/2024 17:16

MmPlumPorter · 03/10/2024 08:27

Maybe I'll just ask him to wait in the car next time and say I'll come straight out.

Show quote history

That’s what most people do isn’t it? Why is he getting there 20 mins early every week!?

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 03/10/2024 17:28

You say your husband hasn’t noticed but then why is he coming 20 mins early every week? That makes me a little suspicious tbh.

ginasevern · 03/10/2024 17:44

Has you husband met this woman before? You say this is a group of your friends so he might have encountered her at some stage? I don't understand why he's arriving 20 minutes early each time. Surely your DH has noticed her hugging him, doesn't he find that a bit over the top?

AmberAlert86 · 03/10/2024 17:57

@MmPlumPorter trust your gut. I think a few of us ladies have been in a similar situation. You just can tell. There are plenty of threads with similar stories.
You say she puts more effort into her appearance. Is it rally obvious? Could it be just your interpretation?
I'm glad your husband is behaving respectfully, but could another friend from the group drop you off home after the gathering? The behaviour of those woman sounds cringeworthy. Who keeps a seat for another woman's husband?
If you are really uncomfortable, you should have a word with her and ask her to back off your husband.
Also ask your H to find out how he feels about her behaviour.