Would this bother you?

[MmPlumPorter]

Will keep this brief 🤞🏻

I have a small group of friends (there's 5 of us in total). We have known each other for around 4 or 5 years.

We all used to met up with each other on a fairly ad hoc basis but it was tricky so we recently (a couple of months ago) decided to formalise the meet up a bit. We now have one evening a week where we meet in a local pub.

It's not a big night and everyone drives so we meet around 6-8pm it's pretty loose, everyone has a drink, stays as long as they can and then goes home to do family stuff.

A few weeks ago, my husband came to pick me up (I'm without a car at the moment) and we hadn't quite finished so he sat with us for about 20 mins before we left.

Every week since, one particular woman has asked if he's coming and told me to tell him to get there earlier so he can join us properly.

He hasn't and still arrives 20 mins before we leave and chats with all of them. But I've noticed that, over the past 3 weeks, she will ask about him beforehand, save a space next to her for him, is always very pleased to see him, is quite tactile with him and has made more of an effort with her appearance than she normally does.

Last week, he was later arriving and didn't get there until nearly 8. She never stays beyond that (a couple of us linger for a bit longer sometimes) but she stayed another half hour and then hugged him and told him how lovely it had been to see him again and spend a bit longer talking.

I don't know if he's noticed this but ignores it if he has and always respnds appropriately. I'm possibly more aware of it because she has a particular characteristic that I know he finds attractive and so, if he were to be attracted to any of them, it would be her.

I must admit, I do feel a bit uncomfortable with it.

I'm also not feeling all that great about myself at the moment.

Is she an ex of his?

Why's your husband so eager to geg in on your evening with your friends, so much so that he's arriving early enough to make sure he can join you regularly now?

Why isn't he waiting in the car?

she has a particular characteristic that I know he finds attractive and so, if he were to be attracted to any of them, it would be her.

Ah, that's why.

I think she has a crush on him.I dont think its any more than that .. I think you've sensed it correctly . You can tell. The sooner your car is fixed the better .

”They get on well. There’s nothing wrong with that but I think am a bit sensitive to it all at the moment.”

@MmPlumPorter, you are not being too sensitive regarding what you have seen and heard. You know that this woman is out of order and is crossing boundaries.

As for your H, I would assume that he, like you, has noticed her flirty actions and attitude. The other women are not going beyond normal friendliness, but she is.

I do wonder if he feels flattered and is gaining validation from her overt enthusiasm for him. My H would be very uncomfortable with her line crossing, and would have waited in the car after the first episode. He certainly wouldn’t be repeatedly coming into the venue and sitting beside her while she touches and gushes.

You both need to distance from her.

She's being disrespectful. Personally I'd probably pull her up on it and ask her why she's so interested in whether my DH will be coming. No need to save him a seat he will be sitting next to me. She's no friend of yours. I'm not sure why you just sit there in silence, whilst he's sitting next to her and she's being tactile. I'd be asking her what she's playing at in front of the whole table.

Thanks. I'll suggest to him next time that he waits in the car. It seems a shame because its only 20 mins and they all get on.

To answer a few questions, he arrives early just for logistical reasons that are too boring and complicated to explain.

He'd never met her before I introduced them and has only seen her occasionally until now.

He is quite a tactile person and hugs all his friends so the physicality doesn't bother him as such but he never responds when she is tactile towards him. He sort of patted her on the back when she hugged him. It's not like she's fawning over him and constantly touching him but it is more than she does with anyone else.

He is sociable and gets on with them all and they are all welcoming and chat easily with him but yes this is different to that.

It is probably quite annoying having your husband crash a ladies get together every time.

Obviously out of politeness they will say ‘invite him to join us’, doesn’t mean they really want him to. Especially every week.

Maybe this woman is just making an effort to be nice and take one for the team by speaking to your husband.

Oh come on, you really think she's taking one for the team by pressing herself up against the OP's husband?!

Telling husband CAN be a mistake. I had concerns about a friend & my significant other long ago.
We were very open and honest. I told him that friend X was making me uncomfortable because she gushed over him all the time ... You’re so lucky have BF like him. I’m so jealous. He’s so great. Spending too much time on him. I told him all.

They shortly after started an affair, it took me a while to figure it out. Very very upsetting. I’m certain he got interested after I said “I think she’s in love with you”. I put the thought into his head.

i should have told him, X has really bad STI or smelly vag. Anything to make her seem disgusting.

I agree with not telling him, will massage the male ego,
@kolalumps sorry this happened to you.

You need to nip this in the bud. Stop your husband joining for 20mins (quite a lot of the 2 hr slot) do none of the other partners come and join in? Make sure you are ready to leave when he arrives, break the cycle.

Maybe you'll have to leave earlier, as it's a bit mean to have your DH sit in the car park for 20 minutes but I wouldn't want to make things easier for her. He sounds oblivious to the attention so I don't know if I would mention it - you probably know whether he would be flattered or horrified. Other than that, rearrange the seating so you take the gap next to her and he sits elsewhere/tease her about the fuss she's making of him. And don't think less of yourself in comparison to her, your DH is with you regardless of the size of your bust/colour of your hair/accent or whatever.

Does it not irritate everyone that he consistenly arrives early and joins the group?

It would irritate me.

Would be more concerned about people driving to the pub having an alcoholic drink then driving home to be honest it one of my pet hates drink driving

@MmPlumPorter what is the plan for the weekly drinks this week?

If she is part of your friendship group then I would call her our directly on it. find a few minutes at the bar or ask her to speak privately. does everyone hug everyone upon arrival or departure? she should not be overstepping the boundaries of friendship. specifically ask her not to hug or sit next to him.
my husband helps a friend adhoc at their event business. one of the owner's sisters is always like this with my husband. he senses the enthusiasm emanating from her as she isn't like that with anyone else. if they're all having a drink afterwards he just makes sure he's chatty and civil but moves onto chat to someone else after a few minutes. in my case its a bit different as my husband was aware. he has set his own boundaries so I am not that bothered. if he wasn't setting boundaries, or I found out something different from a mutual friend, then I would be really annoyed.

@isItgreenerontheotherside you don't need to quote the entire post, especially since you were the first reply. I think people can manage to understand who you're replying to without everyone having to scroll through the entire thing again...

OP definitely sounds like she likes him. I would tell him to wait outside and you would be out shortly.

Is your husband rilly rilly good looking??

She could just be one of those women who actually just prefers the company of men and needs their attention and approval to feel good about herself. So while it is a bit OTT what she's doing and sounds flirty, it might not be with any kind of end game in mind, if that makes sense. She might do this to anyone's husband who turns up.

I agree with that.

Come people are flirtatious by nature, it can be a bit embarrassing. Your husband seems uninterested and not bothered so just ignore it.

Can’t you just leave when he arrives to collect you?

I wouldn't draw his attention to it if he hasn't noticed. He might find it flattering, which might give her some encouragement.

She may not fancy him, but may be one of those women who loves male attention.

Her behaviour sounds inappropriate and disrespectful.. have any of the other ladies noticed? I'd discuss it with DH and ask him to stay in the car but make an excuse to leave as he's arrives so they don't feel sorry for him waiting and don't try to encourage him into the pub. Some woman just crave male attention or maybe she just likes his company..but if you're getting flirty vibes then time to nip it in the bud before you start resenting her..

And yes it would bother me, but I'm a bit insecure - as, by the sound of it, you are.

Thanks! They were both gaslighting me, that was very painful. I was living with SO, seriously don’t know why they wanted to be having an affair when it would have been easy for him to breakup with me. I told him goodbye, be with her … but they didn’t end up together.