What to do about this man?

[Courgettesandonions]

Background: I have a long term partner, very happy with him.

A few weeks ago I bumped into a man I last met many years ago. He remembered me but I didn't really remember him, although I knew who he was as we have a shared friend.

We had a really great conversation as we have a lot in common. We continued the conversation online. Over a few days things became a bit more deep and meaningful and also flirty. I shut it down and made clear that I have a partner that I care about very much. He said he only wants to be friends, although he finds me attractive. He begged me not to block him. It seemed obvious that he didn't have that many friends and he seemed very upset at the thought of me cutting him off now that we had reconnected after so many years. He said he 'lost me once and doesn't want to lose me again'. So instead of blocking him I've tried to scale back communication.

However for every message I send he sends me 10. He sends me music, poems, stories, jokes, quotes, memes, lots of thoughtful reflective voice notes. He can be very funny and charming and I've found myself quite drawn into the conversation at times and sort of charmed by him.
Other times, I'm just too tired to bother engaging with what he's sent. He sends meaningful videos and songs and I tell him that I'm not likely to open them. I tell him that the level of communication is too much for me.

When I try and distance myself by not responding for many days he tells me that I'm punishing him, that it's unfair and all he wants is to be friends. I said it doesn't seem possible to just be friends, but he is very insistent that he just wants friendship and I'm the one making it into a problem. Meanwhile he continues to make flirty comments which I now just ignore.

I'm not sure how to deal with this man. Ordinarily I would block him but I know he would be very emotionally affected by it, incredibly upset and he would probably try and contact me via other platforms with a barrage of messages. We also have a shared friend so I don't want to rock the boat by taking such drastic action.

My new strategy is to do a slow fade. I'm trying to be as boring as possible and only reply to very direct/essential questions and leave big gaps. It feels really horrible and mean. I feel sorry for him. It's sad because I do really like him, we've had some fantastic conversations, and he's very funny and kind, but now he must think I've had a lobotomy because I only respond by one word answers. I know this change is making him feel uneasy and upset. However I feel like I am being manipulated somehow (am I?). Has anyone been in this situation before and can give any advice? As I've said before, blocking isn't really an option due to our mutual friends and his emotional reactions.

How can I keep my boundaries without causing him a lot of hurt and pain? I don't mind being friends but he seems overly invested in our connection, despite me repeatedly talking about how much I love my partner and would never cheat on him.

Anyone who ''Begs'' in this situation is seriously bad news.

He doesn't sound mentally well.

You cannot ''save'' him.

He sounds exhausting and obsessed.

On your own head be it if you continue with corresponding with him, he sounds bad news.

How did you meet him again? Was he in your area? Or was it always online, really?

Isn't it funny that so many of these lonely men only ever seen to want to strike up friendships with women. What's stopping him from trying to make some male friends?

He's definitely manipulating you @Courgettesandonions, as others have said.

I don't like blocking people either and had a situation last year that I felt uncomfortable with so I deleted the WhatsApp messages I had sent that I didn't want him to 'have', I told him I didn't want to date him anymore, he sent about 30-40 messages over the next few days and weeks without any response from me and I felt a little bit scared. I archived our chat and put it in a locked folder. This meant any messages from him didn't appear in my 'feed'. I checked recently and he had sent birthday greetings (on the wrong day!) to me.

I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable blocking people but I understand your hesitation. In your situation, I would send one final message saying, "this isn't a friendship I'm interested in continuing so I'm stepping out now" and then talk to your DP to explain what has happened.

Hang on - slow fade is something you do in the hope that it's kinder (that's arguably not true actually) and that someone will eventually get the hint. You've been DIRECT with him and he's still not got the hint. Slow fade will not work on him. Pull off the bandaid now. Draft the email first - then block everywhere - send the email - block his email. Done.

I think your best way to protect your relationship is to speak to your DH and show him all this stuff. You can’t seem to really see it but you’ve been targeted by a potentially dangerous stalker - it seems that it only took a few foolishly trusting messages to completely manipulate you into this mess.

I would speak to him and then probably reply to a message saying you are taking a break from all friendships as you have some family stuff going on and are feeling quite harassed by the level of communication he expects. Say that you and your DH agree that his messages are overly dependant on someone he doesn’t really know (therefore letting him know that your DH is reading his messages) and that your communication isn’t helping him and is beginning to feel like harassment.

He may well disappear if he realises he can’t blackmail you.

If he then sends a lot of hysterical messages just reply once with ‘How rude’ and nothing else ever.

Speak to your DH I mean then message the stalker

You know what's going on here OP. He is an abusive, manipulative pest who is trying to control you. He probably has form for doing this and you are now his target.
Block him on everything and warn your mutual friend of his creepy behaviour if you feel its necessay. Ignore his pleading and begging, he is just taking advantage of your kind and empathetic nature. Once you cut his 'supply' completely he will soon be on to his next victim.

Stop overanalysing him. Just block him and that's it. He is manipulative and by the sound of it needs help from professionals and you need to remove him from your life urgently.

God Almighty, the answer's staring you in the face. Block this weirdo. You're in a happy relationship so don't muddy the waters by engaging with this emotional wreck, oddball pest.

Have you blocked him yet??

Really it boils down to whether you care more about his feelings, or your partners. You have entered emotional affair territory even if that wasn’t your intention and he’s guilt tripping you into a “friendship” with him, in the hope it will turn into an affair. Male female friendships that cross boundaries the way this one does, takes away from your primary relationship. You should feel zero guilt blocking this creepy man. If you knew the full truth about him, I reckon you would block him. His happiness is not dependent on communication from you, and for all you know he could be spamming other women the same stuff in the hope of a hook up. Some people actually get off on pulling someone away from their partner/ pursuing someone attached, and like the challenge. I reckon he’s not a very nice man, he’s a charmer and is emotionally manipulating you, and likely lying to you both about his intentions and his feelings for you. But it’s up to you, be very very honest with yourself, do you like the attention and honestly believe he will be bereft without you? It’s unlikely, he’s a love bomber who barely knows you but is trying to get into your head. If you care about your partner, send a nice message saying that you love your partner and he wouldn’t be very happy for you to be having an intense friendship with another man, that he’s better off finding someone who is single, and that you are now blocking him and ask that he respect the boundaries you have laid out. Wish him well in his search for a partner, make it clear that that partner is not, and never will be, you. Talk to your partner about it NOW, so it doesn’t become some little secret.

This. You seem willing to lose your relationship over this weirdo.

Okay I had something similar, but he was married and I was single. Known each other for years through work. We bumped into each other locally, had a nice chat. He asked for my number so we could keep in touch..then later he confessed he’d always had feelings for me. I said ‘You’re married’ (end of). I hoped he’d wake up and say it was the beer talking but no, he said it was true. He kept messaging. Pushing the boundaries. Telling me things I didn’t want to hear (like that he thought of me when he pleasured himself!).
I told him to stop, think of his wife (they’d drifted apart, no intimacy, y’know, the usual married man script). I was vulnerable after a toxic marriage. Also he is senior to me at work. In the end, I just had to block him. I realised later that this could constitute sexual harassment.

With WhatsApp - yeah they don’t know you’ve blocked them, but you won’t show as online and they’d only ever get one grey tick on messages. Also they don’t see updated profile pictures/stories. There’s an option on WhatsApp to delete messages. You can select them all and delete all your messages either for you or for both of you. So it’ll look like a one sided conversation on his side. Delete everything then block him. You need to block him on WhatsApp, phone, messages. He may still be able to leave answerphone messages though. When I finally blocked the dodgy bloke, all I felt was relief.

Ask your partner what they think of you communicating and flirting with a random from your past.

I don't see why you are so worried about blocking him if you cared for your partner as much as you say.

Why are you bothered about what he thinks? I do wonder if you need to take a closer look at your relationship with your partner as I don’t see how someone on a happy secure relationship would have engaged with this creep.

As others have said I do think maybe you’re flattered and enjoy the attention on some level because there’s zero reason to no block otherwise.

he seemed very upset at the thought of me cutting him off now that we had reconnected after so many years. He said he 'lost me once and doesn't want to lose me again'.

Does this not strike you as particularly OTT from someone you'd met once, many years previously, and didn't even remember?

he says that my messages are his 'treasure' and talked about replaying our conversation in his head and how he will be thinking about it for years and replaying it over and over.

Now that's just fucking weird.

We had a really great conversation as we have a lot in common

Of course you have a lot in common, that's straight from the lovebombing playbook. I imagine it probably took the form of him professing a shared passion for whatever you told him you like.

Your instincts are screaming at you to get away from this manipulative man yet you won't block him because apparently your loyalty to this weirdo and your mutual friend is stronger than your loyalty to your partner of many years whom you love very much. Correct?

I wonder too if OP enjoyed the over the top attention initially, and found it flattering.

But this is a seriously creepy bombarding man whom OP's husband would definitely not be happy about.

No man {Or woman} wants their partner bombarded by an obsessed stranger.

Block on every platform, OP.

I agree. The more you post about it, it seems like you care more about this bloke's feelings than your own partner. I'd be furious if my partner was doing this and looking for reasons to stay in touch with someone who was obviously trying to shag them

Thank you. I've now blocked him and removed him from other platforms. I don't feel great about it because I think he's vulnerable. He told me not to 'squish his heart' while he's at work, and I've basically just done that. Eurgh. I feel so cruel and awful.

What a manipulative man.

Well done, OP.

He'll move on to bombard another {Probably married} woman.

Thank you. You're right. I've got drawn in to caring about his feelings and the relentless messaging means that he's got into my head.

He knows that's how you will feel. That is why he has made you think you will be hurting him. That's the nature of being manipulated. You have done the right thing. His MH is not your responsibility.

He's cruel and awful to have said that to you; his heart has nothing to do with you. Feel relief and move on.

You , nor any other woman can ''save'' him.

He sounds a very damaged individual that only he can 'save'.

By counselling and a lot of work.

But he will never do that.

These men are toxic.

{Don't ask me how I know}

I was fooled by a similar man {But we were single}