What to do about this man?

[Courgettesandonions]

Background: I have a long term partner, very happy with him.

A few weeks ago I bumped into a man I last met many years ago. He remembered me but I didn't really remember him, although I knew who he was as we have a shared friend.

We had a really great conversation as we have a lot in common. We continued the conversation online. Over a few days things became a bit more deep and meaningful and also flirty. I shut it down and made clear that I have a partner that I care about very much. He said he only wants to be friends, although he finds me attractive. He begged me not to block him. It seemed obvious that he didn't have that many friends and he seemed very upset at the thought of me cutting him off now that we had reconnected after so many years. He said he 'lost me once and doesn't want to lose me again'. So instead of blocking him I've tried to scale back communication.

However for every message I send he sends me 10. He sends me music, poems, stories, jokes, quotes, memes, lots of thoughtful reflective voice notes. He can be very funny and charming and I've found myself quite drawn into the conversation at times and sort of charmed by him.
Other times, I'm just too tired to bother engaging with what he's sent. He sends meaningful videos and songs and I tell him that I'm not likely to open them. I tell him that the level of communication is too much for me.

When I try and distance myself by not responding for many days he tells me that I'm punishing him, that it's unfair and all he wants is to be friends. I said it doesn't seem possible to just be friends, but he is very insistent that he just wants friendship and I'm the one making it into a problem. Meanwhile he continues to make flirty comments which I now just ignore.

I'm not sure how to deal with this man. Ordinarily I would block him but I know he would be very emotionally affected by it, incredibly upset and he would probably try and contact me via other platforms with a barrage of messages. We also have a shared friend so I don't want to rock the boat by taking such drastic action.

My new strategy is to do a slow fade. I'm trying to be as boring as possible and only reply to very direct/essential questions and leave big gaps. It feels really horrible and mean. I feel sorry for him. It's sad because I do really like him, we've had some fantastic conversations, and he's very funny and kind, but now he must think I've had a lobotomy because I only respond by one word answers. I know this change is making him feel uneasy and upset. However I feel like I am being manipulated somehow (am I?). Has anyone been in this situation before and can give any advice? As I've said before, blocking isn't really an option due to our mutual friends and his emotional reactions.

How can I keep my boundaries without causing him a lot of hurt and pain? I don't mind being friends but he seems overly invested in our connection, despite me repeatedly talking about how much I love my partner and would never cheat on him.

I'd advise telling your partner about what's happening - no matter how embarrassing it is for you, or how upsetting it might be to him.
I've been in your partner's situation in a similar situation, and from that perspective it can look so much worse than it is.

An ex had someone add him on SM, she was flirty and he didn't fully shut that down - he'd made it clear he was in a relationship so thought they were on the same page (nothing in it, friendly banter etc).
She quickly became very intense and he realised he'd fucked up by engaging. As he'd incriminated himself by flirting back, he was scared to tell me and was scared to block her in case she went off the rails.

He tried to slow fade - thinking she'd get bored and disappear with no drama - but she got more intense. She eventually ended up on my radar when she started publicly posting things that suggested a close intimate relationship (which didn't exist in real life).
Her more public behaviour made it look worse than it was, and by not blocking her he looked complicit - as though he was encouraging her, or was hiding an ongoing affair.

If he'd talked to me as soon as he realised the fuck up, admitted to the initial flirting/accidentally leading her on, I'd have been upset but would have believed him. He could have blocked her without fearing her reaction, the situation wouldn't have escalated, and we'd have moved past it.
Continuing contact and leaving her on his SM (to keep her calm), hiding their contact (knew it looked bad and that he was responsible for initially engaging) and continuing that contact for so long, even if just to placate her, destroyed my trust in him.

If you value your relationship own up to flirting, deal with however your partner feels about that, block the creep and tell your mutual friend what has happened. Be careful you're not prioritising the delicate feelings of this 'friend' over your partner's, and be aware that hiding this could look and feel like a betrayal if it comes to light.

He’s trying to lovebomb you and completely overstepping your boundaries. He’s Manipulating you by pulling the “poor me, I just want to be your friend” card - and it’s working.

I speak from experience- just block him and don’t think any more about it. I had one of these and he nearly ruined my life.

Your mutual friends will probably know what he’s like - he is not a “nice person” - he just pretends to be. I’d have no qualms about telling them that he’s been harassing you.

Cross posted.
You've done the right thing OP. What a manipulative shit. Don't worry about him, just enjoy the relief of not having to deal with his relentless messages and boundary pushing!

I think this is excellent advice.

I would speak to your DP, tell him what has been going on and show him this thread as it explains how this turd has drawn you in.

I had this with my new NDN. He came off as being thoroughly decent at the beginning and he had me fooled.

Once I met and married my now DH, NDNs behaviour turned sinister but it was clever and subtle and although I suspected he was not being straight, I couldn't exactly say why and my DH didn't agree with me.

Eventually, as these types seem to do, he overstepped and his mask slipped. It was when I went NC and told my DH that I was never speaking to the NDN again that he told me a lot of stuff that the NDN had said to him about me and we both realised that the NDN was trying to drive a wedge between us.

Neither of us have spoken to the NDN for fifteen glorious years and I will never trust anybody to that degree again.

Thanks all. I might post here if there's any fall out. I'm expecting an email. Then he may try and contact me through shared friend. That would be so cringe. I don't know whether to pre-empt that by telling her that I've blocked him. I just don't want him to share his narrative or my messages with her. I've blocked on all other platforms including SMS. I hope the crushing guilt and anxiety goes away soon.

Once one has had contact with a narcissist like this, one really knows the signs.

This one is seriously bad news.

🚩 🚩🚩

If you get an email, delete it without reading it. Even if the title says: "Please, please, please read this, it's all I'm asking, just one last time." DELETE IT.

Don't drag the friend into it, the only time you need even mention it is if she mentions to you that he's been trying to contact you via her - in which case say that you felt his friendship was turning inappropriate and no longer wish to communicate with him. Who cares what he says to her? It's irrelevant.

Well done for blocking him. Think about telling your DH. You’ll feel relief and won’t have to worry that he’ll find out and think it’s a bigger thing than it was from your pov. The fallout from the cover-up is always worse than the error.

Absolutely this. They have to be seen to be believed unfortunately - I never would’ve thought anyone that manipulative who was capable of telling absolute whoppers whilst looking you dead in the eye could exist until I experienced it. They’re wolves in sheep’s clothing.

He's a skilled manipulator.

He's drawing you in like a spider wraps a fly - he's NOT a nice man.

Maybe look up H.G.Tudor on you tube- he warns of narcissists.

This unpleasant man if you carried on would try to destroy you emotionally.

You are giving this way too much thought. This is someone you barely know, you admit you barely remembered him. So what if he gets upset. His talk of 'losing' you should have sent you running for the hills - clearly this was not someone happy with a casual friendship and I find it hard to believe you couldn't see it.

I think you were flattered and enjoyed the attention of another man until you couldn't handle it. From his point of view, you quickly caved in when he asked you not to stop communication so he kept ramping it up, not particularly caring about your feelings yet you turn yourself inside out trying to accommodate him.

Just tell your friend he had quickly become over-bearing, bombarding you with messages etc and you had no interest in such a 'friendship'.

He told me not to 'squish his heart' while he's at work, and I've basically just done that. Eurgh. I feel so cruel and awful (...). I hope the crushing guilt and anxiety goes away soon.

Find your anger! This is not a decent man who just wanted to be your friend, OP. He has been disgustingly manipulative and inappropriate. He has urinated all over your boundaries. He doesn't care about your relationship or your happiness.

He doesn't deserve to benefit from your obviously compassionate nature.

And that is the moment I would have told him I didn’t want any kind of contact with him and blocked him on all platforms. You are not responsible for this virtual strangers happiness.

Tell your partner and if you genuinely haven’t said anything incriminating, offer to let him look through the messages. Also do as the previous poster suggested and talk to your mutual friend.

By not saying anything and letting this drag on further I fear you run the risk of this unstable man contacting your husband himself at which point your DH may perceive it as non innocent even if it is because at that point it’s just “I’ve been contacted by a random man my wife has been secretly talking to”.

This will also escalate if not nipped in the bud quickly. I say this as someone who dealt with someone similar, it turned into a full on stalking situation.

Thank you. Good advice on:

• Telling DP
• Deleting email before reading
• Not dragging shared friend into it and no need to care what he says to her.

Spot on.

They present as intelligent, charming, vulnerable men who are so happy to have found you...

But inside is just darkness and cruelty, Lies and deception.

Horrible.

Different circumstance because disability is involved but we had a block a (severely disabled) man’s contact with our additional needs daughter this weekend.

Unfortunately , the friendship turned obsessive (on his part) a couple of months ago. Slow withdrawal of contact did not work. It only made the messages more frequent and desperate. So much so I had to make contact with his carers and we had a plan for them to talk to him first in a calm way before blocking. Sadly , the level of emotional blackmail escalated, thankfully DD didn’t read what I saw on her phone. I rang the carer and was told to block immediately, for his mental wellbeing as much as hers.

So now we are on day 4 post blocking. It all feels strangely calm, not having the messages. DD is more relaxed and is processing the end of what was a 4 year friendship. There is sadness but overriding that is relief!

There is only one way to deal with obsession and that is immediate and total blocking on all social media. Cruel to be kind.

Do it today OP.

Surely you can block his email address

He has probably asked you not to block him so many times because he has been blocked so many times in the past because of his crazy behaviour. He sounds unstable. I would not engage with him any further.

Yes I did wonder this too, otherwise why would he be so paranoid about it. I never mentioned blocking, he's the one that brought it up and then kept referring to it.

Does anyone know if I can delete WhatsApp messages for both of us so that he cannot access them?

Bit of a hack on deleting WhatsApp (100% works on iPhone)
Go into settings then date / time - manually change to before messages started ie 01/09/2024 9am
go back into WhatsApp - do delete all for everyone on messages & they will be removed from his & yours
Go back to settings and change back to normal date / time

Block him
Why are his "feelings" your responsibility?
I really despair at some women sometimes, we are not therapy for damaged men

Did you feel awful and cruel to your partner when you was flirting with this needy person?

Holy shit does this work? this is amazing