What to do about this man?

[Courgettesandonions]

Background: I have a long term partner, very happy with him.

A few weeks ago I bumped into a man I last met many years ago. He remembered me but I didn't really remember him, although I knew who he was as we have a shared friend.

We had a really great conversation as we have a lot in common. We continued the conversation online. Over a few days things became a bit more deep and meaningful and also flirty. I shut it down and made clear that I have a partner that I care about very much. He said he only wants to be friends, although he finds me attractive. He begged me not to block him. It seemed obvious that he didn't have that many friends and he seemed very upset at the thought of me cutting him off now that we had reconnected after so many years. He said he 'lost me once and doesn't want to lose me again'. So instead of blocking him I've tried to scale back communication.

However for every message I send he sends me 10. He sends me music, poems, stories, jokes, quotes, memes, lots of thoughtful reflective voice notes. He can be very funny and charming and I've found myself quite drawn into the conversation at times and sort of charmed by him.
Other times, I'm just too tired to bother engaging with what he's sent. He sends meaningful videos and songs and I tell him that I'm not likely to open them. I tell him that the level of communication is too much for me.

When I try and distance myself by not responding for many days he tells me that I'm punishing him, that it's unfair and all he wants is to be friends. I said it doesn't seem possible to just be friends, but he is very insistent that he just wants friendship and I'm the one making it into a problem. Meanwhile he continues to make flirty comments which I now just ignore.

I'm not sure how to deal with this man. Ordinarily I would block him but I know he would be very emotionally affected by it, incredibly upset and he would probably try and contact me via other platforms with a barrage of messages. We also have a shared friend so I don't want to rock the boat by taking such drastic action.

My new strategy is to do a slow fade. I'm trying to be as boring as possible and only reply to very direct/essential questions and leave big gaps. It feels really horrible and mean. I feel sorry for him. It's sad because I do really like him, we've had some fantastic conversations, and he's very funny and kind, but now he must think I've had a lobotomy because I only respond by one word answers. I know this change is making him feel uneasy and upset. However I feel like I am being manipulated somehow (am I?). Has anyone been in this situation before and can give any advice? As I've said before, blocking isn't really an option due to our mutual friends and his emotional reactions.

How can I keep my boundaries without causing him a lot of hurt and pain? I don't mind being friends but he seems overly invested in our connection, despite me repeatedly talking about how much I love my partner and would never cheat on him.

Yes 💯. OP has to tell the friend in common what’s happened. And tell them they must never engage in Any conversation about her, don’t tell him anything address included. And block him, ensure all social media is private.

Just a thought OP as he lives on the other side of the country how did you bump into him? Does that mean he’s in your area on occasion?

I think you have been very silly here and got caught up in the ego boost to start. Now he has a hold and is manipulating you to keep hanging on.

How would you feel if your partner was chatting to an old acquaintance, with flirty banter, voice notes and her saying how she would cherish his messages etc

I think you would consider it a line crossed and/or cheating

Block him 🚫

@Courgettesandonions .He is a dangerous creep and is manipulating you, both in terms of creating a situation in which you feel uncomfortable (creating false intimacy so you feel guilty about your partner) and putting unreasonable pressure on you and making you responsible for his feelings and behaviour. Using “apocalyptic” language and asking you not to block him are massive red flags. I think you’ve suffered from the “be nice be kind” socialisation- you don’t know him, you don’t owe him anything, he ignores your boundaries and is pushing you into situations in which you feel uncomfortable and you feel scared of him reaction ( you shouldn’t feel scared in any relationship).

Please send him a message saying you are uncomfortable with his behaviour, that he is not to contact you again and then block him on everything, including making sure your contact settings on Facebook and insta etc are at the highest level. The message is important as if he goes off on one you have a base on which harassment or stalking cases can be built- I don’t mean to frighten you, but this is how such things start.

Take care, but time to toughen up, you owe him nothing and he is taking advantage- protect yourself and your relationship.

Why do you think you have to continue with something just because it’s what HE wants?
Just block him. End of.

This 100%, he is manipulating you.

You are being emotionally manipulated as other posters have said. He is love bombing you, trying to haul you in. Minimise your contact as you are doing now. Send one very clear message asking him to stop contacting you as you are no longer comfortable with his behaviour. If he keeps messaging then block him. I also think that you should be open with your husband around this.

Ask yourself would you be comfortable with your husband reading the full conversation that you two have had? If not you need to ask yourself why your were drawn into this.

This is the second thread today about men 'wanting to be friends' and using their issues to enforce emotional intimacy on women, who are then afraid to shut them down... It's so toxic, and even if they genuinely wanted to be 'friends' (which I sincerely doubt), you are entitled to not want them as a friend, just as you would be with a woman.

It doesn't matter if you were nice to him before, you were not 'asking for this' - he wilfully manipulated and overstepped the boundaries. Don't let him blame you, and don't blame yourself (but do learn from it).

Women are not rehabilitation centres for men! You are not responsible for his mental health! Protect yourself.

I feel guilty, like I have lead him on by talking to him and I've said some kind things about him. I'm not attracted to him but he is intelligent and thoughtful, kind, and funny - so I think I got drawn in by that and he knows that I appreciate those things. He reminds me of an ex who love bombed me before turning manipulative. He would send me long emails, self-deprecating and very funny, as well as complimentary, it drew me in. Intelligent writerly types are the worst as they're brilliant with words and persuasion. I've fallen for the same thing here I think. To be clear I've never reciprocated on the level of messages. He has done 90% of the communication from the beginning so he's sort of engineered a connection if that makes sense.

Just to say, because I think you are getting frightened:

• He isn’t necessarily dangerous, he could just be very pathetic - my ex knew where I lived, where I worked, what car I drove… never bothered me again
• He won’t be obsessing over your messages forever, he will find another person to manipulate before too long - he’s probably not even thought of you in the time since you first ‘knew’ him no matter what he said
• Mutual friends can make up their own minds and good friends will never want you to feel uncomfortable, so will understand and probably seek to exclude him from any future meet ups (or as you say, you can just not go)

Don’t be scared, take back your power, he‘s a creep. Put him in the bin; block him.

You shouldn’t have engaged in flirty banter. I suspect that’s now why you are worried.

If you value your relationship block him otherwise it could end up ruining your relationship. He’s clearly a creep and gets off on this kind of manipulation.

He won’t be looking at your texts for years- he will move into the next woman to manipulate. There is a reason why he has no friends and it’s because he’s a creep.

'Take back your power.' I love that. Do that! 🙂💪

He sounds like a nutcase, an absolute bunny boiler. Stop prioritising how he feels/will feel above yourself, you owe him nothing, it’s not your job to protect him from ever feeling sad.

You’ve been the white knight on a steed

Time to gallop back over the moat into your castle & raise the drawbridge

Some crazies can siege for a looongg time

Good point. I do hope he hasn’t been missing from your social group because he’s been on a ward or a wing.

Sounds like he is lonely and not had much luck with women.

Now he thinks he has a chance with you and has made up scenarios in his head which isn't reality.

I don't think it's necessarily you he wants just the idea of someone.

Could be wrong.

He is a professional manipulator and guilt tripping you. He knows you are not comfortable from your communication but still continues to push your boundaries. It's a power play. You are 100% entitled to protect yourself and block him. He lured you in and feeding of your energy. He sees your kindness as your weakness.

It's soooo easy to just say that your partner's pissed off with the messaging, so you'll stop. That way, you're not offending him, and it might scare him a little to think there's an angry man involved. Why not do that??

Stop with the guilt and block him now. You've been conditioned to worry too much about others. If you aren't prepared to tell oh about this that speaks volumes.

Don't say anything about oh being upset. No excuses. Block.

Thanks for all your responses.
What happens when you block someone on WhatsApp? If they send you something will they see one grey tick forever?

You have no responsibility for this man.
You are not his social worker.
You are not his emotional support human.
Block on every platform.

Yes. The message will have one grey tick and thats it. They wont be informed they are blocked or anything. Their message just wont be shown as "delivered".

This man is basically stalking you. You shouldn't negotiate with a stalker, as it'll never be enough. Block, don't respond if he gets through and escalate to police if he persists.

Tell your DP everything.

Block this guy with no further messages.

Set your email to send anything from him to junk.

The end. Stop being a fanny about it. You're not responsible for this mad man.

BLOCK him immediately, everywhere. You risk losing your long-term partner if you allow this to continue. This man has shown very early on in your "friendship" that he is not rational and his behaviour WILL escalate.
You are not responsible for his mental health or him having any kind of meltdowns.