What to do about this man?

[Courgettesandonions]

Background: I have a long term partner, very happy with him.

A few weeks ago I bumped into a man I last met many years ago. He remembered me but I didn't really remember him, although I knew who he was as we have a shared friend.

We had a really great conversation as we have a lot in common. We continued the conversation online. Over a few days things became a bit more deep and meaningful and also flirty. I shut it down and made clear that I have a partner that I care about very much. He said he only wants to be friends, although he finds me attractive. He begged me not to block him. It seemed obvious that he didn't have that many friends and he seemed very upset at the thought of me cutting him off now that we had reconnected after so many years. He said he 'lost me once and doesn't want to lose me again'. So instead of blocking him I've tried to scale back communication.

However for every message I send he sends me 10. He sends me music, poems, stories, jokes, quotes, memes, lots of thoughtful reflective voice notes. He can be very funny and charming and I've found myself quite drawn into the conversation at times and sort of charmed by him.
Other times, I'm just too tired to bother engaging with what he's sent. He sends meaningful videos and songs and I tell him that I'm not likely to open them. I tell him that the level of communication is too much for me.

When I try and distance myself by not responding for many days he tells me that I'm punishing him, that it's unfair and all he wants is to be friends. I said it doesn't seem possible to just be friends, but he is very insistent that he just wants friendship and I'm the one making it into a problem. Meanwhile he continues to make flirty comments which I now just ignore.

I'm not sure how to deal with this man. Ordinarily I would block him but I know he would be very emotionally affected by it, incredibly upset and he would probably try and contact me via other platforms with a barrage of messages. We also have a shared friend so I don't want to rock the boat by taking such drastic action.

My new strategy is to do a slow fade. I'm trying to be as boring as possible and only reply to very direct/essential questions and leave big gaps. It feels really horrible and mean. I feel sorry for him. It's sad because I do really like him, we've had some fantastic conversations, and he's very funny and kind, but now he must think I've had a lobotomy because I only respond by one word answers. I know this change is making him feel uneasy and upset. However I feel like I am being manipulated somehow (am I?). Has anyone been in this situation before and can give any advice? As I've said before, blocking isn't really an option due to our mutual friends and his emotional reactions.

How can I keep my boundaries without causing him a lot of hurt and pain? I don't mind being friends but he seems overly invested in our connection, despite me repeatedly talking about how much I love my partner and would never cheat on him.

Block him on everything, send an unequivocal email (I had to do it over the phone - no email address back then) and then block his email from your account. Do it today while we’re all here to help? I hope you’re ok, I know this is hard but it’s the right thing to do and so much better than feeling sick every time one of his messages arrives.

Does your partner know any of this? Just wondering whether if this does escalate you may want him to be aware. Sorry this is happening, I get why you feel bad but you are absolutely justified to block him.

No there is a degree of responsibility I need to take. I didn't stand firm when he had a meltdown. I've been too kind because I felt sorry for him. It doesn't sound like he has much going on in his life. He says things like being friends with me makes him so happy and that it has 'saved him' during a stressful time (he has been ill). I should have just blocked him without saying anything first, but I didn't want to ghost without explanation given that we'd had some meaningful conversations and have a shared close friend.

I reckon he actually targets women in relationships, as some sort of potential blackmail for a later date when you block/threaten to block.

So? Not your problem.

Come on OP. You said yourself you didn’t really remember him when you bumped into each other. This man has gone from 0-60 at the speed of light and is not respecting your clear boundaries.

There’s no middle ground with this sort of person. Block him everywhere you can. You can set up a rule on your emails where all his emails go straight into deleted items and you never need to read them.

He’s completely OTT, making you uncomfortable, so extract yourself as quickly as you got pulled in.

You owe him precisely nothing.

If your mutual friend brings it up (which they probably won’t but again, who cares) just say there was no friendship there to rekindle so you don’t know why it’s even a topic of conversation, and move on.

Well stop being worried and scared - there is no need to be. He has learnt that he can manipulate you by telling you he will be devastated if you block him. He is playing you like a fcking fiddle.

How far are you willing to take this? is he going to tell you he'll kill himself if you wont have sex with him, or text him 100 times a day? or let him stay at your house? Are you going to do those things just to keep him happy?

By continuing to engage he is learning that he can control you and your reactions like a puppet. This man is manipulative and coercive. You need to block him on all platforms now.

No he doesn't. This was my biggest mistake. I should have said something to my partner from the beginning, but now I realised I've been an idiot and got myself into a situation. I was worried that DP would be upset that had been some flirting. I did shut it down but he has continued sending flirty/suggestive messages and I have not been strong enough to block because of the emotional manipulation I have described above.

He's extremely bad news and you need to block him. In part because your flat responses will, likely, eventually illicit some dramatic news from him (in a bid to get you to engage again) which will tug at your compassion and before you know it you'll be back in the trenches

and he's very funny and kind

Funny and kind- are you having a laugh? imagine if a woman was texting your partner constantly, telling him he was attractive, sending him 20 videos a day and lavishing attention on him and he said oh its ok, she's so funny and kind, would you be ok with that?

You need to open your eyes here and recognise what is really going on. This man is NOT kind, he's manipulating you for his own selfish reasons.

Just block him. He won’t do anything to himself, he’s just manipulating you and you’re falling for his BS.

Why has he got your email address anyway? Block him on every communication method possible and just shut the door like he never existed.

You're risking your relationship if you continue to engage with this loony tune. Who cares what your mutual friend thinks?

There is only one way to stop this and you need to do that and stop pandering to this manipulative twat

I am a little worried about this sort of thing. I haven't sent anything compromising but he says that my messages are his 'treasure' and talked about replaying our conversation in his head and how he will be thinking about it for years and replaying it over and over. He said that he never ever forgets anything.
Fuck as I write this it sounds creepy as absolute fuck.

He absolutely manipulating you. A grown man having a meltdown and crying because someone he hasn't spoken to for years doesn't want to be his friend?!

I'm really not into blocking people but on this occasion I would say it is necessary and if it should come to light with the mutual friend, just explain how emotionally manipulative he became. If he genuinely has MH problems, that is not your concern and he needs to seek appropriate help.

I would then sit down with your partner and tell him everything. Apologise and work on whatever is missing in your relationship that made you flirt with this guy in the first place.

I wish I could delete our messages so that he cannot access them. I am creeped out that he might looking at them for years.

If he puts that much effort into friendships, then why hasn't he got many friends? He's being manipulative, he has an ulterior motive, block him. Men like that find these tactics work because women are socialised to be polite & kind. Call his bluff & stick to your boundaries.

And there it is in your very last sentence.

please block, and advise friend in common not to share your address.

agree you need to tell your partner. This has stalker written all over it, the guy sounds like an absolute loon.

Has he always been aware that you have a mutual friend? If so, he could have arranged a meet up with you both over the past years.

He is being incredibly manipulative. The content and frequency of his contact isn’t that of an acquaintance. That’s all you are at this stage. Ok he remembered you from years ago but that doesn’t mean you are now automatically friends, especially as you don’t even remember him.

As for saying you are punishing him by not keeping pace with how he wants to communicate… that is bullshit.

You owe him nothing. Just tell him, now you’ve got to know him a little better, you’ve realised you have so little of what matters (boundaries, available time, communication styles) in common that a friendship isn’t possible.

Is your mutual friend likely to turn on you in these circumstances? If she doesn’t think you get to choose who you are friends with then there’s a problem with her too

He won’t. He’ll move in to his next victim within days.

It’s his manipulative script to guilt trip you. But so what if he does read then for years anyway? You’ll be long gone

Dont give him an explanation just block him without a word.

Tell him he is not to contact you and block him.
also advise if he does you will contact the police.

none of this is normal or okay.

Men like this know exactly what they're doing.
He's manipulating you for his own ends.
You owe him nothing, you're not responsible for his upset.
He's stomped all over your boundaries.
He's relying on your niceness to get his own way.
Your mental health and wellbeing is being affected by his actions, he doesn't give a hoot about that, so you don't need to give a hoot about his.
Block him today.
If he tries to contact on any other platform block him there too.
As for the mutual friend, if they mention it, explain what he's been doing.
You are important here, not him.
Keep all the messages etc just in case he escalates.
Be kind to yourself, you've done nothing wrong ❤️

Jesus! How are you still talking to this prize manipulator? You don't owe him your time ffs! Just block him (also...we don't tend to inform a person that we are going to block them 🤦‍♀️)

I think mutual friend be ok. She won't wade in and I can tell her that I've had to block him without needing to go into detail. She doesn't know my exact address either (I've recently moved) so no risk of her sharing it.
I am likely to encounter him at future shared friend events, birthdays anniversary's etc. Shared friend has been pushing for us all to meet up so she may try and coordinate something in the summer but I can obviously just not go. He will be 'around' in my circle forever though.

Thank you. Hopefully this is the case. He can't possibly dwell on everything for years. No one has time for that surely.

He will be 'around' in my circle forever though

You said you haven't seen him for many years though so it's unlikely he'll now be everywhere as otherwise why haven't you bumped into him sooner?