Suspected ASD DH, not sure I can handle it anymore

[Itsonthetopshelf]

Been with DH 10 years, married for 5 and we have a small DC under 1. DH has always been quirky and quite selfish but I think since DC it’s all become a lot more apparent and his lack of empathy, particularly towards me, is pushing me to think about ending the marriage. I am 100% sure DH has undiagnosed ASD (and I think ADHD too, I know they are often linked) and so I feel that this is just the way he is and he will never change.

I’d love to know if anyone else has had children with diagnosed or undiagnosed ASD DH/DP and how this was for you - did things get better as DC got older?

also any experiences of separating with a very small child - the idea of a shared custody arrangement kills me and I do 99% of DC care, I don’t think overnight stays etc without me at this point would be appropriate or kind to DC. What arrangements did you have?

I have tried to keep this brief but there are endless things DH does that are just getting me to the end of my tether e.g obsessions with hobbies, collecting and hoarding expensive items, lack of understanding of anyone else’s experiences or feelings, lack of friends, strange social behaviour etc.

At this point the only thing keeping me in the marriage is not wanting to rip up our ‘nice’ life, lose our home and enter into a difficult custody arrangement.

Honestly, life is too short. Rip that plaster off and get the separation done. Your child will grow up not knowing any different.

You can't "blame" him for being autistic and therefore living autistically. Try to stop thinking of him as faulty and start thinking of the two of you not being attuned.

On the other hand, you don't have to continue in a marriage if there is any reason why it isn't working for you.

You could try marriage counselling if you want to make sure you have given the relationship a proper chance.

Is it as simple as that though? I don’t know the first thing about the separation process. All I can think about is the sadness of losing everything and not seeing my DC every day, who is the light of my life and who I feel I have raised solo! If I could flick a switch and DC and I just be happy together without the stress of DH behaviour I would do it, but it’s not that simple.

I feel as if I am grieving the family life I hoped we would have, but clearly won’t.

I don’t think he would engage with therapy and he is a total workaholic so trying to even book sessions I expect would be a nightmare.

but I totally agree, he’s not a faulty part, he’s very good at his job and hobbies and I think could live very happily on his own. I don’t think we are compatible.

There is a thread offering advice/support:

Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11 | Mumsnet

I can imagine it's enormously frustrating in a way that you wouldn't have thought of pre-chiildren.
I've come to the realisation that DH probably has ADHD and is incredibly inflexible on a number of issues. Some of which weren't an issue before we had DD.
He hasn't really changed but as DD has got older I guess the family dynamics have worked out ok. But part of that has been through me changing my expectations and making my own plans.
He's very spontaneous, last minute and disorganised and DD is autistic, so thrives on order and scheduling! In the main I put her needs first otherwise it feels as if our lives are on hold until he decides it's time to do something together.
DD loves her Dad but knows it's me that makes her life run smoothly. I love DH but have to disengage a bit for my own sanity and well being! Ironically, going through the process of getting up to speed with ASD (DD is quite late diagnosed) it's made me realise I have quite a lot of ADHD traits and behaviour too (am blaming menopause).
You do have to seriously weigh up if this is the life you want or can accept. You can love someone but not love your life with them.

Ignore the judging posts, OP I get it. My DH is late diagnosed it really only stopped working when we had kids. DH expected to be able to do things but found he just couldn’t (eg he discussed being a SAHD when we were TTC but this didn’t work at all).

Look up ‘spiky profile’ - it can be so hard for NTs to understand before diagnosis that someone can use a skill in one situation but this completely fails to transfer to another. In our case we have tried to stay together, but we both have gone to therapy. I wonder if your H would consider this?

if you don’t want to separate them you have to accept ,embrace and work with what you’ve got

aline expectations with reality

not a dissimilar situation but when my dad had dementia his behaviour wasn’t personal but it was predictable it’s a lot easier to accept and work with once u got that straight in my head

Don't separate yet. It gets much easier as they get older. The first year in particular is fucking awful on both of you, particularly if he's juggling ASD too.
Give it some time and come back to the question when you both have some time to yourself again. Is baby starting nursery soon? Do either of you get time a) with your friends and b) together without the baby?

@isItgreenerontheotherside what a disgusting post. I've reported it for remarks that are tantamount to eugenic.

*eugenics

You may report it, but I can assure you that it’s not the context I meant.

I was wondering, why would you choose to have a baby with someone if you suspect they may have autism and you feel you couldn't co-parent with them under the same roof and continue your relationship

She might have needed a crystal ball for that @isItgreenerontheotherside.

The way you worded the line "irresponsible to have child with someone on the spectrum" made it sound like you feel nobody on the spectrum should have children at all. I am on the spectrum myself and I very much want children always have done I even have the names picked out

@isItgreenerontheotherside No one knows for sure what kind of parent their husband is actually going to be until it happens. Competent at work, successful career, easy going but a bit stubborn in some areas can quickly turn into selfish shouty workaholic once they are overwhelmed by the demands of parenting.

Don't blame the OP, she is not responsible for his behaviour

To be clear you can leave him for whatever reason.

his lack of empathy, particularly towards me,

OP is this the problem? Because if he is autistic, it's unlikely he's lacking in empathy as opposed to him not communicating empathy in a way you'd understand it. That's something that can possibly be worked on.

Of course he could be autistic and separately lacking in empathy, but being autistic on its own doesn't mean someone lacks empathy. The issues autistic people have with social communication means they can appear to lack empathy.

Autism is very misunderstood as a condition and I don't think you can be 100% certain unless you're a trained medical professional.

I'm highlighting this not to get at you but because it matters to how you play this if he's not autistic but there is something else going on. For example, for someone who isn't trained in diagnosing, narcissism and autism can look very similar. And if he is autistic, reframing it and working on how he expresses empathy do you can understand that he does care might be possible.

Of course you can be both autistic and a narcacist!

I apologize for the poor wording.

What I mean is, for instance, if someone chooses to have a baby with you while you've bin in a relationship for 10 years, but then after a year they decide that your ASD is a problem for them and leave, taking the child with them, do you think that's acceptable?

Pick your moment and then get out. Was in a similar position, waited til Dc started reception, got a job and got out. The mask had slipped when I got pregnant (not sure what exH is undiagnosed with but whatever it is I couldn't live with it, I have my suspicions) and it ended up a shit show. I could see his behaviour towards a third party (the child) instead of it just being towards me and it was quite horrifying in moments. It became clear that it was unworkable to remain. You didn't have a crystal ball, people change, perspectives change, situations change, don't beat yourself up.

DC spends time at his dads house who has married someone similarly devoid of all empathy, so that's interesting, but he has one happy peaceful home where he feels loved and knows he is prioritised and heard and that's better than what would have been if we stayed together, which was miserable, frustrated, and utterly hopeless.

Personally I feel the younger the better, there's probably an optimum moment in terms of practicalities and earning ability for you, but nothing is going to set on fire if you need to get divorced. It's not what you wanted, but you've got to work with what you've got.

It's acceptible because having kids is like a bomb going off and can highlight issues that were not clear prior. Lots of dysfunction ramps up in pregnancy and childbirth, it's very common. And where's the "taking the child with them" coming from, 50/50 is the starting point in negotiations around shared care, should it be taken up.

You also need to consider whether it's best for a child to be raised in a household where the example of a relationship being given by their parents is shocking. It's really not the case of having a baby and running away with it because you've changed your mind, it's far more nuanced than you're suggesting.

Agree it is not simple. What would shared custody look like? How would he behave? Does he have awkward family members that would get heavily involved? Would he turn some of that obsessiveness on hindering you? How do you feel about DC spending time alone with him?

The alternative is also difficult. Wish it was just a case of moving on easily.

Think very carefully about what you're going to set in motion. Without any support or advance planning... somone who isn't fully au fait with the norms you mention, isn't going to cope with separation, and I don't care what happens you're going to suffer, they're going to suffer qnd your child is going to suffer the most.

I would implore you to talk to him and seek out significant support and therapy and see if you can get to a better place. Because he doesn't show empathy doesn't mean he can't feel it. Communication doesn't happen by accident and you're responsible for a small child - you only have to look at divorce rates to see that parenting is difficult for everyone. I hate some of the advice on here. Rip and run. How about, don't necessarily fuck up your life like I did comprehensively, and work towards something together or apart a bit more compassionately and consciously without screaming divorce and putting a family's mental health at stake.

This wasn’t my experience. Though I did make the mistake of thinking we just needed an adjustment period. It did not get better. It got worse as incident piled upon incident, none of which were repaired, and as I got more and more understanding of how profoundly his autism Impaired ( to put it mildly) his ability to parent and be in a relationship which now needed more from him.

OP it is quite common for relationships with ND people to hit problems after children.

IME, the NT/ND relationships that work out are where the ND person has some insight into how ND affects them and so the NT and ND person can work together to make the relationship thrive. However, where the ND person has no real insight you will be continually hitting your head against a brick wall and over time you will lose yourself, ime.

I would not recommend a therapist unless they are specialized in ND and it’s affects on relationships. A marriage counsellor without this insight and knowledge can make things worse for the NT person.

Do come over to the support thread linked to above. It’s good to be with people who get it. There are also ‘Cassandra’ support threads on Facebook etc. You might want to look up Cassandra syndrome and Long Term Relationship Stress.

Thank you, and I’m glad the post was reported as I was gobsmacked to read it! That’s exactly what’s happened really, he’s very successful in his career so I’m sure colleagues would be shocked at what he’s like at home. The spiky profile someone mentioned earlier rings very true.

Exactly 🙄. I don’t think anyone can truly realise the impact of a child on their life / relationship. Before you even get to neurodiversities