Suspected ASD DH, not sure I can handle it anymore

[Itsonthetopshelf]

Been with DH 10 years, married for 5 and we have a small DC under 1. DH has always been quirky and quite selfish but I think since DC it’s all become a lot more apparent and his lack of empathy, particularly towards me, is pushing me to think about ending the marriage. I am 100% sure DH has undiagnosed ASD (and I think ADHD too, I know they are often linked) and so I feel that this is just the way he is and he will never change.

I’d love to know if anyone else has had children with diagnosed or undiagnosed ASD DH/DP and how this was for you - did things get better as DC got older?

also any experiences of separating with a very small child - the idea of a shared custody arrangement kills me and I do 99% of DC care, I don’t think overnight stays etc without me at this point would be appropriate or kind to DC. What arrangements did you have?

I have tried to keep this brief but there are endless things DH does that are just getting me to the end of my tether e.g obsessions with hobbies, collecting and hoarding expensive items, lack of understanding of anyone else’s experiences or feelings, lack of friends, strange social behaviour etc.

At this point the only thing keeping me in the marriage is not wanting to rip up our ‘nice’ life, lose our home and enter into a difficult custody arrangement.

And be careful with your diagnostic judgement bc we didn’t discover anything until children were 8 or so, and then guess what, turns out ASD and ADHD make a very common pairing - each seeking out the others traits. So be careful what you wish for because you might be looking right at it and then trying to cope alone with a very likely ND child too, and you’ll be forced to take care of someone who will have some of the those traits. Get marriage counselling. And family systems. Get him diagnosed clinically at least. Get a care plan moving ahead for your precise circs and therapy for you both. Sounds extreme but it will be cheaper by x10000 then divorce. Go on holiday together, get household support. Talk to each other about aspects that both of you find hard. I’ll bet you’re not as emotionally available as you think you are. Do the work and spend some time together and don’t even think about divorce until you’re absolutely in a better place with active network of support.

I did not "rip and run", it was of course a considered decision after seeking supoort both individually for myself and jointly for the relationship, but where there is no awareness or ability to self reflect, there really is only so much that outside help can do.

Things do not have to be disastrous post divorce, they certainly are not for me. My mental health has always been very robust apart from the period where I was married to him, specifically post DC, where I actually felt like I was going mad at points and my life was over. Things have taken a dramatic turn for the better in most aspects, I am thriving as is DC. Yes he is a pain in the arse and as difficult to communicate with as ever, but he's over there, not under my nose and I've got an element of control over my own decisions which was impossible while we were together.

Divorce: 9.5/10, bit expensive but worth it, highly reccomend.

With respect, the situation that OP finds herself in is nothing like having a parent with dementia.

Is he open to diagnosis, OP?

You can do Right to Choose - go through GP (he’ll have to fill some forms) then pick a private provider. It makes things go faster. There is medication for ADHD, and therapy which can help him come to terms with his autism/ADHD if he has it.

If he’s not willing to explore it, thats a different issue.

Disagree with @coffeeandfags99 If you try to make it work, the far most likely outcome is that you will waste years of your life in an extremely painful process of ultimately thwarted hope. It will be you putting in all the work and effort and understanding and getting nothing back.

lack of understanding of anyone else’s experiences or feeling This is a killer for both parenting and your relationship and there is not really a way around it. Parenting is all about attunement to another's emotions and feelings. If someone cannot do that, they cannot parent.

Oh, and don't get hung on up getting a diagnosis. Its only a diagnosis. It doesn't actually change anything. He won't suddenly develop self -insight and change. Don't waste two years of life on the waiting list for this, hoping it will lead to change.

amen @Supportthatway

I suspect my dp is definitely adhd. I sometimes wonder if he could have autism too. It was frustrating before DC but until you have DC it is hard to know how it will affect family life.

My DP hates being in the house. So weekends are always manic. He also doesn't appreciate the house because he doesn't spend enough time in it. Therefore he sees no value in home improvements. It is so so hard to compromise on.

He is so set in his ways. He hoards stuff. He also has little empathy and we have been through some huge life traumas and I have never felt like he has had any empathy for what I actually went through throughout those. It's hard. You become bitter and resentful and often feel alone.

I sympathise and I've been pushed to the edge a fair few times. I had a big fear of him going for a lot of contact with out DD and eventually spoke to a solicitor about it. Luckily that was all in my favour and I feel like after 5 years having that information made me feel a bit more free.

Would yous be in a position to live separately and see how things go? I'd probably find that so much easier.

If your husband does have AuDHD your child is 9 times more likely to also have ASD. Are you going to make the same comments about your child as you have your husband? Selfish, no empathy, doesn't understand people, no friends, weird social behaviour?

You've been with him 10 years, you can't think he's that awful or you wouldn't have stayed with him and you definitely wouldn't have had a child with him. Talk to him. Autistic people do not inherently lack empathy.

You've been with him 10 years, you can't think he's that awful or you wouldn't have stayed with him and you definitely wouldn't have had a child with him. Talk to him. Autistic people do not inherently lack empathy

Yes but autistic people can lack empathy and mindsight, and it is these relationships with people with this expression of autism that are likely to fail. As for 'talk to him', I'm sure OP has done this. If talking had a 100% success rate in fixing stuff the Relationships Board would not exist.

NT partners like me, found that the lack of empathy became apparent after having children. Nothing shows up a lack of empathy and mindsight in someone like them becoming a parent. You really can't ignore it or wave it away as occasionally quirkiness or oddness then. Its in your bloody face all the time and its very painful to wake up to.

Some people certainly do inherently lack empathy and if you're married to one you know about it, whatever the diagnosis or lack thereof.

Things can change, not everyone is bestowed with future vision.

For all of you with these men lacking empathy please stop blaming asd and adhd as that is an indicator they are not on the spectrum. You may all live with selfish pigs but please do not cite lack of empathy as being something to do with being ND. It is not.

Really tired of this untruth. I know nothing about ADHD but do know about ASD and yes lack of empathy and mindset absolutely can be a feature. I've also known quite a few autistic people over my life and all of them, to varying levels, had an impairment in their ability to understand things from other's point of view. So its hardly that uncommon.

And my partner ( diagnosed ASD) was not 'selfish' in that there was no intent. He simply had a lack of capacity to understand the thoughts and feelings of others. You are the one who is wrongly characterising his autistic traits as a ' selfish pig' not me.

I don't think if matters what the diagnoisis is to be honest, whether he's a selfish pig to coin a phrase, or a sociopath, if you are married to someone who's behaviour is causing you distress, they can not or will not change the behaviour despite every effort on your part then you can get divorced.

It doesn't have to be any more complicated. Nobody has to take offense. It's not personal.

If OP is struggling to remain married to her husband, whatever the reason, she can divorce him. What a time to be alive.

I think the issue is living with someone who lacks empathy not the reason why they do and it is hard. It affects your self worth. Makes you question yourself. It's tough.

Well I have asd and adhd and have a huge amount of empathy as does anyone else I know with either or and I know many people between kids and adults and a lack of empathy is not an issue. Many research shows the same.

OP only you can decide if you can handle the situation you're in, but whatever you decide, do not deny your reality. It's very easy to feel like you're stuck in a revolving door, it's incredibly disorientating, and distressing and over time you might find your sense of self eroding.

Do not deny your reality. Head over to the other thread mentioned for support and perspective, you're not the only one to experience similar.

Yes, this is true, but it can also be very confusing for the NT partner. If you can tell that there is a lack of intent to be hurtful, it can be really hard to make sense of. Which can lead to minimising and ignoring incidents as they are so out of character with everything else you experience about this person. But then if things change, such as having children, such as experiencing a trauma, such as circumstances making more relationship demands on the ND, it can become impossible to ignore or minimise the lack of empathy and minsight.

But even then it can be confusing. Realising that this behaviour is due to cognitive impairment, rather than 'badness' can help psychologically, even whilst the behaviour remains intolerable and you have to end the relationship.

Precisely but if you want to leave someone for whatever reason and they are a certain way without diagnosis then dont mention the possibility of one!

We each only have our own experience to draw from. I personally don't feel that a diagnosis of my Ex, had he been willing to consider that there might be one to be made, would have made any difference to the situation I was dealing with on the ground, or made it any more tolerable but I can accept that it might be useful to reframe things for some. I take the view without diagnosis that it wasn't purposeful, or intentional, because if it was the diagnois would have been severly disturbing and rather dark.

@Supportthatway absolutely. Exiting that marriage was like walking out of the hall of mirrors at the fun fair. Confusing doesn't cover it!

Hi! My partner and I experienced this after having kids.

The first year was the biggest hurdle. He could adapt to the “rules” for a phase, but by the time he did so it was 1-4 months later and there were new rules and goals. It was 2020 and he was home with us 24/7 or else I think it would have been worse. We did a bit of counselling but she wasn’t great. It was actually me breaking down over how awful she was and him getting protective of me that turned the corner. In the end I started having a list of care, feeding, sleep, tummy time etc for the current and next phase available for him to check.

He might have empathy or he might not. He might be trying to help or make you feel better in unhelpful or or unrecognizable ways. Or he might be scared to show his vulnerability and unaware it’s radiating off him in negativity.

Who was he before DC? Someone you want to be with? If so, get ready for a long slog and work it out. Lay everything on the table. Everything. And say that you want to work on it. Pick one thing at a time to work on. And do the work too- you might not be able to communicate off the cuff what support you want. But you can take time and make a list for him.

I also used to go for an overnight at my parents sometimes. We both got to recharge. Now we have different techniques, but that was a lifesaver to buy us time to work it out.

DC 2 coincided with an uptick in work and part return to office. He fully broke. He ended up on ADHD meds. They help him enormously and we still have problems but we can work it out.

DC1 is probably AuDHD too, and working on his Dx we realized how much I tick off as well.

I also think it’s a newer problem because we expect more now of Dads and husbands but they aren’t taught it well growing up. My rule in out marriage is that we need to be growing. One way he’s done that is keeping his hobby stuff in one room and buying a lock for it so I don’t find screwdrivers and airplane parts in my kids’ mouths

Kids are now 2 and 4 and adore their dad. He does things with them I wouldn’t and I do things he can’t or wouldn’t. He also has dialed down his hobby spend so the kids have what they need and I have hobby spending too (or currently I have ozempic and he has not quite that much until I’m off ozempic). He usually does breakfast and bath because those are quite routine. I choose outerwear or else the school give us a call.

Sorry for the epic post!

My xh is definitely on ND somehow, undiagnosed, possibly bipolar or some sort of personality disorder. Life became impossible for me due to his unpredictability and contradictory behaviour, I left when my dc were 5 and 4, and never looked back. He can still be very difficult to deal with but I don't have to live with it anymore, and it's made me a better mother

Writing as a mum with ADHD/ASD, my partner likely has ASD. Our children are older than yours. A few things to think about, if your DH is autistic, then your DC may similarly be ND in some way. That's not to panic, it can be a wonderful thing but it can also make the world a difficult place. You say your DH has become more challenging since having children. I do think for some ASD men this adjustment can be particularly difficult, but I've seen more than one completely come into their own when children are a bit older. Do you think your husband will grow into fatherhood? Would he share his hobbies with them one day? If your children do turn out to be ND he could be a wonderful, if eccentric ally.

On the other hand, he might not be. I grew up with the other sort. My father was almost certainly ASD, demanding, disinterested, controlling and worse.

But this is to do with him as a father, not a husband. If he was a better father, would the love return? I've had similar in my own marriage. My DH always pulled his weight and some, but it was very functional. As the children have grown, there absolutely is emotional engagement but I can't get over the loneliness of those years. We get on very well, but the marriage is dead. I stay because we are a happy family and my DC very much need the stability at the age they're at now. As a pp said, if you're sure it's over, end it now. Much easier when they're small but either way don't necessarily write him off as a father even if he is useless now!

It's acceptible because having kids is like a bomb going off and can highlight issues that were not clear prior. Lots of dysfunction ramps up in pregnancy and childbirth, it's very common

That’s completely true. However, I see another side of the coin. While there are many aspects associated with parenting where new issues arise, it’s extremely hard to believe that some aspects never existed or were not problems pre-children. For example, the OP cites obsession with hobbies, lack of friends, strange social behaviours. So, for 9 years, her DH masked, had no obsession with hobbies, a bundle of friends and had no strange social behaviours? That’s hard to buy.

I believe, not necessarily with OP, but quite generalised, there is a significant proportion of situations involving a deliberate blindfold with many women until they get what they want then, Omgosh DH has ASD, just noticed, life unbearable, must leave.

I see this with my own child. Good looking, well educated, great job, high earner with great prospects. LOTS of interest. Can’t miss the ASD aspects, like dogs balls on a canary, but seemingly lots that have deliberate blindfolds, VERY happy to overlook things, as looking at the end game, which would be buy a nice house in good area, have two kids, then bam. Probably get to keep the house given they have two kids and will never have the prospects/earning potential my child does, and then they get to sail on with the life they wanted in the first place. I see them. Quite common. Thankfully, thankfully, my child is not a quick mover and that frustrates them as they are super keen to put a ring on it to start the wheels of the plan rolling. One day my child will meet someone who is not like this but my experience is they are the exception. It’s scary stuff.