My husband is having an affair with the woman who does our laundry

[flowersintheattics]

Basically that. We had the luxury of being able to pay a laundrette to do our washing and it was his job to drop it off and pick up, a few months ago he mentioned in passing the new ugiy woman with the tattoos who started working there and overcharging him. Never thought anything else about it until tonight when we were coming home from Tesco and needed to pick up the washing so I jumped out of the car and went in to collect, she's was fucking stunning, small petite (heavily tattoo'd) Thai woman. I came out after picking up the washing and said I thought you said she was ugly you liar she's gorgeous and very nice! He got all defensive and alarm bells stating ringing and I knew something was off with him. He confessed everything. They had been sleeping with each other for months when he said he was at work. I'm absolutely shattered. Our marriage was perfect. Please please please what do I next?? I've shouted and screamed and threw him out. He's probably with her now. My heart is broken.

Our marriage was perfect

No, it wasn't. And his affair isn't your fault.

I'm sorry; the shock must be devastating. Don't feel that you necessarily have to "do" anything immediately. It will take time to mentally absorb what's happened.

Do you have family or friends you can lean on?

@flowersintheattics, it is absolutely horrific that your H has been leading a double life, robbing your consent and agency, and putting your health at risk — all for sleazy thrills. He has placed you in the position of needing an STI test.

You are in shock and torment, so your primary concern right now should be self-care. Try to stay hydrated, and confide in trusted loved ones for support and comfort.

Do you have children? What are your living and work situations?

Remember that his unethical choices and destructive behavior are all on him, and are not due to anything you have or haven’t done. He is a pathetic cake eater who trashed your marriage and betrayed you with the woman who washes your clothes. He is the lowest of the sordid low. Has he also been spending family money on his girlfriend?

I wouldn’t be able to come back from his heinous abuse of my trust, so I would be consulting with a lawyer and filing for divorce. If you decide to attempt reconciliation, your H will need to show authentic remorse and make huge efforts to help you heal, including: taking full responsibility; cutting off OW; providing open access to all devices and statements; answering all questions whenever you ask; and seeking IC to examine his character deficiencies that enabled his lying and cheating.

Honestly, I could never trust that he is not stopping by the laundry to plan liaisons with OW.

Stay resolute, @flowersintheattics, and don’t allow him to manipulate you with gaslighting, downplaying, or blame shifting. Consider accessing IC to help you process this trauma and gain clarity as you make decisions.

Please keep posting for our support 💕.

How old is he and the woman?

Gosh OP thats awful to hear.... your head must be spinning.

His priority was his dick, so now your priority is you.

1. Security: Get all the financial information you can (bills, mortgages, pensions etc). Make copies and put it in a spreadsheet.
2. Mental health: If you have a trusted person who will listen go to them, but if you have the funds go to someone neutral.

Don't do, say or agree to anything until you understand where you are and what you want.

XXX

What a horrible shock. I am sorry.

I would get the support of trusted friends and family. Don’t keep his secrets. It’s also possible it’s not the first time he has been unfaithful, so a medical check is in order as well. Perhaps ask the GP for a medical certificate if you think you need time off work? Nit depends if you are the type who needs routine in a crisis or a good cry with your trusted ones.

That’s awful. What’s wrong with men? What do you want to do? Walk, or try and work on your marriage? Most here will tell you to leave, they claim that’s what they’d do, but the reality is always different to the hypothetical. Is this the only affair? I doubt it. You need to consider your options, finance, what to do next. Lean on your friends, but be wary who you tell if you do want to work on your marriage. Best of luck

Men in really good marriages have affairs, women too I presume. Him having an affair does not mean that your marriage was in a bad state. So please don’t feel you have to re write the history of your relationship.

You have had a terrible shock (I know, I’ve been through it). You don’t have to make any decisions about your future quickly. Take time to look after yourself for a week or so to process some of what has happened.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Over the next few weeks your H will need to speak honestly and openly with you. Do not take any blame for his behaviour, it’s not your fault this has happened. If you both want to reconcile and work on recovering he will have to stop all communication with the OW and never go anywhere near that place she works in again. He will need to be totally transparent with you.

I’m glad you got him to leave cast his will give you space to think.

I am guessing this woman knows he is married?

It's just so tawdry, isn't it? I mean was it during the drying cycle out the back?

Was she booking time off work as well?

I would think that working in a launderettes would be minimum wage so she would find it tricky to have lots of days off.

It does seem strange doesn't it? He must have been taking lots of time off too.🤔

It’s probably shift work. And unless the OP’s husband takes after Sting with his tantric sex stamina, a couple of hours is more than enough.

What's in it for her, if she's young and stunning? By which I mean: was he also paying for it? Please get a full STI panel straight away, and don't let him talk you back.

I don't like to be stereotypical, but I lived in Thailand for 7 years. It's financial security. It isn't the same "love" that is familiar to British people, but many of my Thai friends describe it as "love" as the richer man makes them feel safe. It is that kind of "love" that is "in it for her".

He confessed so easily 🤔

Right. Doesn't add up.

Unless he had a guilty conscience and it didn't take much for him to confess.

He told you just like that did he?

I've genuinely never seen a heavily tattooed Thai woman

It does add up sadly. I have seen it many times with foreigners hitting Thailand. Older man has this hot, young, girl suddenly swooning at his feet. My friend's marriage broke down this very way. I could walk behind my husband and he would be approached - lots of times - by Thai women mistaking him as a man walking by himself in Bangkok. It adds up to me 😞

Bamboo given tattoos/tattoos themselves are very "cool" across Asia as a whole.

OP there is a thread in Relationships called "Blindsided by DH" The OP is called Gingerloaf. She also found out suddenly that her husband of decades had an OW and was moving out. Its not quite the same scenario but her handling of it is /was epic and you may draw strength from the posts on there. As others have said, this is not a reflection on you or your marriage. I can speak from both sides that happily married people do have affairs because we are idiots. He will almost certainly at some point try to justify his actions by claiming he's been unhappy for ages or you are at fault because x,y,z. Ignore it. Even if its true, it doesn't excuse an affair. Good luck.

They're supposedly in the UK not Thailand. Just because a woman is Thai doesn't mean she's going to jump into bed with every man she sees. It's quite offensive to even imply this.

Ah really? Never new that thanks 😊

That's why I said that I don't like to stereotype people. She may be 2nd or 3rd gen and not ever been to Thailand for all I know! I am not attempting to be offensive, just pointing out that, being as the OP mentioned her nationality, it is possible that the same understanding of "love" (aka security) is shared by her. All the best.

OP has not commented once on their own thread 🤔