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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I taking this all too seriously?

104 replies

Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary · 01/10/2024 14:20

I’ll try to keep this short as a lot has happened in my relationship and I think I’ve been gaslit to the point where I’m not even sure if I’m overreacting or not

Been with DP for two years and we are due to get married next week.

a year ago I discovered he had been messaging a woman on instagram. Nothing really flirty from his side but it was obvious she was interested. He does a sport and she watches apparently. He said things like he would let her know when he was playing next etc. I think he liked the attention of it all but was also clear with her that he was in a relationship. I stupidly let it slide because he showed me all messages etc and I thought he had just got caught up in it 🤦🏻‍♀️

since then I have discovered he follows lots of OF models on instagram etc. We have had 6 separate conversations about me not being comfortable with it. He says he will remove them, I discover he hasn’t and an argument happens because he is not respecting my wishes. I’m not controlling but not happy with him liking and following naked women online.

He had added some women on his PlayStation. I asked for them to be removed and he said he would. I went to play on mine the other day and they came up as suggested friends/we had mutual friends. He then gaslit me saying I had got it wrong until I made him load it up and showed him. He then started saying how he didn’t know how they got there.

Lately he has been saying things like “oh that lady in the shop said you were punching” etc. Basically negging me. I did this when we went shopping for his wedding suit and last week when I ended up in hospital he asked if the nurse prepping me for potential surgery had asked who the Adonis with me was.

The final straw came when I heard him on a work call saying it was important to see the photo of who they were interviewing, basically wanting to interview the ones who look nice/pretty. I even heard a colleague say “typical X acting like a red blooded 20 year old again” so he must have form for doing/saying these things at work

After this last incident I just feel numb inside. Not angry, just like I don’t give a fuck. It might be something small but I think it’s the straw that broke the camels back

For some background I have also recently had 3 consecutive miscarriages. One that landed me in hospital seriously ill. I’ve told him several times that these experiences have left me hating myself. I do not have a good relationship with my body right now but I’m not sure if this is making me blow everything out of proportion.

He is always with me, does whatever I need him to do. Always saying he loves me etc and was amazing during my miscarriages. However he doesn’t seem interested in how I feel now and does all this stupid shit

OP posts:
GarrynotsoGorilla · 01/10/2024 14:22

Sorry to say this, but please do not marry him. Good luck, but if you want happiness he is not it.

Timefordrama · 01/10/2024 14:25

It might seem an almost impossible thing to do, but I think you should call off the wedding. You really can't marry him feeling like this. And what a complete bellend, asking if the nurse wanted to know who the Adonis was. A deeply unattractive thing to say, even if he is physically attractive. All the other stuff points to him being a cheat as well. You're much better off without him.

Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary · 01/10/2024 14:29

Thank you both. I’m wasn’t even sure if I was right to feel like this.

@Timefordrama deeply unattractive is how I feel towards him now. Like he’s a bit of dick and it’s made my shutters go up

OP posts:
Sedgwick · 01/10/2024 14:30

Call off the wedding. I know this will seem impossibly hard but it’s the right thing to do. Get out while you can.

Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary · 01/10/2024 14:30

So much money has been spent on the wedding and everyone has booked accommodation/sorted their outfits. I wish the wedding was in 6 months time

OP posts:
Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary · 01/10/2024 14:33

I know you’re all right. I guess I’m a bit shocked because I expected people to tell me I’m overreacting

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 01/10/2024 14:33

OP, why are you marrying him?

I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Do you have other children with him?

You need to be sure you are doing the right thing in marrying. As I am sorry to say this does not sound like it will last, and then comes all the expense, legal side if it doesn't.

Just wait. Process the trauma and then make big decisions on whether to go ahead with this.

MsNeis · 01/10/2024 14:34

Do not marry him, OP 🙏 💐

chisanunian · 01/10/2024 14:35

For goodness sake, please do not marry this man. Cancel the wedding. Heck, just dump the bastard completely.

He might act all lovely, but he has absolutely no respect for you or any other woman whatsoever, and seems to treat other women like they are chocolates in a box just waiting for him to come along and help himself to a treat.

Orchidacea · 01/10/2024 14:36

A marriage is a partnership of two people who love, respect and trust each other. What you are getting into is not a marriage - it is a legalisation of a bad situation. Please do not do this to yourself. Find a way to get out of it. It may seem difficult, but it will be a LOT more difficult to get out of it once it is legalised.

coxesorangepippin · 01/10/2024 14:37

Don't marry him

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 01/10/2024 14:37

We have had 6 separate conversations about me not being comfortable with it

That was 5 conversations too many (and that's being generous). He's a sleeze. He has no real respect for you and it will only get worse. As I often see on MN "he is showing you who he is" - please don't marry him, you can do so much better than this. Even being on your own would be better.

Bestyearever2024 · 01/10/2024 14:39

DO NOT MARRY HIM

The money lost and the inconvenience will be nothing compared to your unhappiness and subsequent divorce

Run away now

chisanunian · 01/10/2024 14:40

He does not love and respect you, and you will never ever be able to trust him.

Please don't marry him. Your friends and family who love you will understand, and they wouldn't want you to marry the wrong man just to save face / money.

MsNeis · 01/10/2024 14:40

Orchidacea · 01/10/2024 14:36

A marriage is a partnership of two people who love, respect and trust each other. What you are getting into is not a marriage - it is a legalisation of a bad situation. Please do not do this to yourself. Find a way to get out of it. It may seem difficult, but it will be a LOT more difficult to get out of it once it is legalised.

This is spot on!

Lazydomestic · 01/10/2024 14:40

What do your friends / family think of him?
This sounds like the tip of the iceberg - wonder if you confided in someone close how much more would come out 😢
BTW - he sounds deeply insecure

chisanunian · 01/10/2024 14:43

BTW - he sounds deeply insecure

No he doesn't. He sounds like an egotistical prick who thinks he's God's Gift.

DadJoke · 01/10/2024 14:44

As a man, I've heard these kind of men talking when women aren't around and they think they will not be judged, and I guarantee you he does much, much worse. Do not marry him.

isthismylifenow · 01/10/2024 14:45

Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary · 01/10/2024 14:30

So much money has been spent on the wedding and everyone has booked accommodation/sorted their outfits. I wish the wedding was in 6 months time

I know this is difficult, but I am sure that these people would rather see you make the right decision for you too.

Its just money. You and your mental health are way more important.

Chillisintheair · 01/10/2024 14:45

Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary · 01/10/2024 14:30

So much money has been spent on the wedding and everyone has booked accommodation/sorted their outfits. I wish the wedding was in 6 months time

A divorce will be more expensive.

BTW - Has anyone suggested you get your thyroid checked in regards to the miscarriages?

needahandholdpls · 01/10/2024 14:47

My ex-DH was a lot like this when we were married. Often referring to women flirting with him. I will always remember when our twins were born prematurely and had a long stay in neonatal care at the hospital, it was a horrible time, he would swagger in and act like the big joker with all of the nurses (it wasn't the environment for joking around). When one of the nurses advised him to take his top off for skin to skin contact with one of the twins, he made a joke about how he wouldn't want to do that because all the nurses would fancy him! I could have died with embarrassment, there were babies and their parents around us dealing with real life and death situations.

He also had form for having chats on the phone with his mates that seemed far too "laddish" for a supposedly respectable married man.

I put his behaviour over the years down to immaturity/nervousness/ low self esteem.

Anyway within months of our children being born it came out he'd been on dating sites, escort sites etc... I've since discovered that this behaviour was demonstrated much earlier on in our marriage.

There's no smoke without fire, your instinct is tugging at you for a reason.

isthismylifenow · 01/10/2024 14:47

And I say, it's just money from the viewpoint of not a very wealthy person. I still stand by that though.

Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary · 01/10/2024 14:49

Thank you all so much. I’m sat crying in my car. I’ve felt like I’m going mad but I’ve realised he has slowly made me feel like absolute shit over the last year.

@Lazydomestic not an excuse but I feel he is deeply insecure, caused by past relationships from what I know. It seems like he’s making himself feel better by making me feel crap

also my friends and family all adore him. He is very charming and charismatic. He is the perfect gent to anyone around him

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/10/2024 14:50

At the end of the day you have boundaries around how he communicates with women. Leaving aside whether those boundaries are right or wrong or fair or whatever, those boundaries exist and you've communicated them clearly.

If he wasn't happy to agree to those boundaries he should have ended the relationship.

When he did break those boundaries and then lied to you about it, you should have ended the relationship.

Either way, you shouldn't be in a relationship any more.

MounjaroUser · 01/10/2024 14:50

I'm another who thinks you shouldn't marry him, OP. He sounds really awful.

I'm so sorry you have gone through such a traumatic time with miscarriages. I hope things go well for you in the future, but with a much, much better man.

I would cancel the wedding - tbh I think your guests won't be surprised.

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