Am I taking this all too seriously?

[Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary]

I’ll try to keep this short as a lot has happened in my relationship and I think I’ve been gaslit to the point where I’m not even sure if I’m overreacting or not

Been with DP for two years and we are due to get married next week.

a year ago I discovered he had been messaging a woman on instagram. Nothing really flirty from his side but it was obvious she was interested. He does a sport and she watches apparently. He said things like he would let her know when he was playing next etc. I think he liked the attention of it all but was also clear with her that he was in a relationship. I stupidly let it slide because he showed me all messages etc and I thought he had just got caught up in it 🤦🏻‍♀️

since then I have discovered he follows lots of OF models on instagram etc. We have had 6 separate conversations about me not being comfortable with it. He says he will remove them, I discover he hasn’t and an argument happens because he is not respecting my wishes. I’m not controlling but not happy with him liking and following naked women online.

He had added some women on his PlayStation. I asked for them to be removed and he said he would. I went to play on mine the other day and they came up as suggested friends/we had mutual friends. He then gaslit me saying I had got it wrong until I made him load it up and showed him. He then started saying how he didn’t know how they got there.

Lately he has been saying things like “oh that lady in the shop said you were punching” etc. Basically negging me. I did this when we went shopping for his wedding suit and last week when I ended up in hospital he asked if the nurse prepping me for potential surgery had asked who the Adonis with me was.

The final straw came when I heard him on a work call saying it was important to see the photo of who they were interviewing, basically wanting to interview the ones who look nice/pretty. I even heard a colleague say “typical X acting like a red blooded 20 year old again” so he must have form for doing/saying these things at work

After this last incident I just feel numb inside. Not angry, just like I don’t give a fuck. It might be something small but I think it’s the straw that broke the camels back

For some background I have also recently had 3 consecutive miscarriages. One that landed me in hospital seriously ill. I’ve told him several times that these experiences have left me hating myself. I do not have a good relationship with my body right now but I’m not sure if this is making me blow everything out of proportion.

He is always with me, does whatever I need him to do. Always saying he loves me etc and was amazing during my miscarriages. However he doesn’t seem interested in how I feel now and does all this stupid shit

It'll be far cheaper to cancel the wedding than divorce in x amount of time. Also I'm sincerely sorry about your miscarriages but you don't want this excuse of a man fathering any future children you have. Save this for a man who deserves you as the mother of his children.

If he's showing such little respect now, in the build-up to your marriage (a time when he should be pulling out all the stops), then I don't believe for one second he will improve in the future.
He sounds both immature and predatory to me.

Whether or not he is insecure is irrelevant. It is not your job to fix his insecurities, whatever they are. Don't let him make himself feel better by doing you down.

Everything you know about his past relationships is what he has told you. Everything he's told you will have made him appear in a good light and his exes as the baddies. He's never going to own up to the real reason.

Sorry I haven’t replied to all messages but I am reading when I can and very grateful for the advice ❤️

He will probably try and change your mind and promise you the world when you tell him OP. I know it's a lot of money and inconvenience, but people will understand. You know you can't trust him. This is your chance to walk away for good. You deserve so much better than this loser

You deserve better, his mask will drop completely once married.

Another vote for the please please don't marry him camp. He sounds truly truly awful and, as you pointed out, he is trying to make himself feel better by putting you down which is bad enough
In itself but when you add in what you are going through now is abhorrent.

I sincerely doubt that any nurse supporting you through a miscarriage and follow up care would refer to your partner as an Adonis. If they did they need some compassion and empathy training.

He will of course act the injured party and make out that you are unreasonable. Save this thread for when that happens and have a re-read.
Xx

OP can i just say if i was your friend or a family member i wouldn't care that i had bought a new frock and you cancelled the wedding, i would rather that than you went through with it. I would hate you to get married to such a poor excuse for a man. I would support you all the way. And i would help you eat the cake and toast your freedom with the fizz.

Re @JamieKnight's 'man's point of view' and comment "men also grieve too and this can reflect in the way they act"... if 'grieving' means constantly ogling other women, that's not an acceptable or good way of supporting their partner.

OP, just cancel that wedding.

Cancel the wedding. End the relationship,

He is sleazy, immature and disrespectful. He's walked over every boundary you have put in place and honestly, it's like he thinks he is God's gift to women, and nothing could be more unattractive.

You will regret it if you marry him. Call it off - it would be ridiculous to marry someone you have this many doubts about just because other people have bought a new frock for it!

he was amazing during my miscarriages

He wasn’t though, was he?

He was asking if the nurse prepping me for potential surgery had asked who the Adonis with me was.

I can guarantee all the nurses you both had contact with will have thought he was an utter prick.

And once you cancel the wedding (which I sincerely hope you do) you will soon find out that several of your friends and family who you seem to think adore him, also think he’s an total prick too.

@Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary, marrying this entitled, self-serving Player who lies and negs you would be the definition of self-harm. Are you actually going to sentence yourself to a life of perpetual gaslighting, anxiety, mistrust and degradation?

As others have said, wedding costs and inconveniencing guests are minuscule compared to a ‘hell on earth’ life and eventual divorce.

I don’t mean to pick holes, and you are totally right, but that comment was made last week when I was in hospital for another gynaecological issue where they thought I still had retained product from my most recent miscarriage.

This is what led me to hear the comment with his colleagues. Usually I’d be at work but was home on that day unwell. God knows what I usually miss during his meetings while I’m at work!

From someone who married the arsehole because she was worried about the money spent/letting people down and is trapped 20 years later in a loveless, sexless, emotionally abusive marriage with no self esteem or confidence to get herself out - DO NOT MARRY HIM.

Sunken cost fallacy applies here! That money is already spent. He is a horrible man, who treats you badly. He is breaking down your confidence. Don't let him do this to you. Please tell him to leave. Or you leave. You deserve so much better.
Mum sorry about your miscarriages.i hope you can find someone who deserves to have children with you.

I’m also going to say please don’t marry this creep! If he hasn’t already cheated on you then his behaviour shows - without a shadow of a doubt - that he’s making a list of possible OW in his head and he feels entitled to court female attention wherever he goes! He has zero respect for you or any woman and I bet if we could do a poll there’d be hundreds of women who have had the bad luck to cross paths with him that would say he’s a smarmy inappropriate weirdo! You say he’s attractive but honey looks fade - asshole behaviour is forever!
now for the important person in all this (you)… good advice given to check your thyroid but I’d also say visit your dentist and get a deep gum clean … gum disease is a well documented contributing factor in some cases and is easy to solve.
wishing you a well deserved happy future full of true respectful love from a man who earns your heart- and lots of healthy babies with him too xx

please please please don’t marry him.

He’s a total bellend.

You’re beginning to hate him already and that’s why you’ve cried for help.

Yes of course he’s Mr Lovely to everyone. They always are.

The money doesn’t matter. It’s so much more expensive to get divorced!

be brave. You can do it.

I wanted to call off my first marriage but didn't because of "all the money" that had been spent and not letting anyone down. Things got much worse when the ring was on and I was seen as property. The people who thought he was great didn't really - they were just saying what I wanted to hear. I could have saved myself a it of hurt and humiliation. Please put yourself first and call it off - I promise you will never regret it 💐

I completely agree, all I’m saying is that grief shows itself in different ways. The behaviours that arise from the way people project their grief can project in different ways (not always sensible or acceptable ways). Some people become angry and violent, some people shut themselves off, others have affairs (and it’s not just men). When a couple loses a baby it’s not always reasonable to assume it’s only the mother dealing with it and so maybe this is something that needs to be considered 🙂

@JamieKnight if ogling other women even though OP has repeatedly asked him not to is his go to, then he can do this on his own. OP deserves better. A better husband and a better father for her future children.

As soon as I saw this l, sentence one,

a year ago I discovered he had been messaging a woman on instagram

That’s a dumping offence even without all the rest of the gaslighting, negging and everything else. He is not good for you (or anyone!!) Move onwards and upwards asap.

Oh OP, you have been through such a hard time.
What is required is huge bravery to save yourself.
He is a sleazy creep.
I really hope you cancel the wedding.
If you cannot find the strength to do that, please, please do not TTC another child with this utter sleaze.
His colleagues know exactly who he is and probably feel very sorry for you.
I worked with guys like him.
Not one marriage survived.
Every single woman eventually woke up to the creep they married.
The lucky ones weren't left with his children to rear and remain in contact.

One word for him - Narcissist

Ive been there, it's not pretty and they don't change. I strongly suggest you rethink the wedding which I know will be so rough.

Imagine being married to the office creep. 🤮
Even his colleagues see him for what he is.

It doesn't seem like he is ready to get married. He sounds like a child. Can you postpone and see if he cleans up his act?

He sounds like a complete dick. Your friends and family don't want you to marry someone who makes you unhappy, so call off the wedding and finish it with this loser. I suspect you will find out that a lot of them had their doubts about him when you call it off, and that they don't really think he is a great guy.