Am I taking this all too seriously?

[Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary]

I’ll try to keep this short as a lot has happened in my relationship and I think I’ve been gaslit to the point where I’m not even sure if I’m overreacting or not

Been with DP for two years and we are due to get married next week.

a year ago I discovered he had been messaging a woman on instagram. Nothing really flirty from his side but it was obvious she was interested. He does a sport and she watches apparently. He said things like he would let her know when he was playing next etc. I think he liked the attention of it all but was also clear with her that he was in a relationship. I stupidly let it slide because he showed me all messages etc and I thought he had just got caught up in it 🤦🏻‍♀️

since then I have discovered he follows lots of OF models on instagram etc. We have had 6 separate conversations about me not being comfortable with it. He says he will remove them, I discover he hasn’t and an argument happens because he is not respecting my wishes. I’m not controlling but not happy with him liking and following naked women online.

He had added some women on his PlayStation. I asked for them to be removed and he said he would. I went to play on mine the other day and they came up as suggested friends/we had mutual friends. He then gaslit me saying I had got it wrong until I made him load it up and showed him. He then started saying how he didn’t know how they got there.

Lately he has been saying things like “oh that lady in the shop said you were punching” etc. Basically negging me. I did this when we went shopping for his wedding suit and last week when I ended up in hospital he asked if the nurse prepping me for potential surgery had asked who the Adonis with me was.

The final straw came when I heard him on a work call saying it was important to see the photo of who they were interviewing, basically wanting to interview the ones who look nice/pretty. I even heard a colleague say “typical X acting like a red blooded 20 year old again” so he must have form for doing/saying these things at work

After this last incident I just feel numb inside. Not angry, just like I don’t give a fuck. It might be something small but I think it’s the straw that broke the camels back

For some background I have also recently had 3 consecutive miscarriages. One that landed me in hospital seriously ill. I’ve told him several times that these experiences have left me hating myself. I do not have a good relationship with my body right now but I’m not sure if this is making me blow everything out of proportion.

He is always with me, does whatever I need him to do. Always saying he loves me etc and was amazing during my miscarriages. However he doesn’t seem interested in how I feel now and does all this stupid shit

Cancelling a wedding will be easier than divorcing the prick.

I’m so sorry for your losses OP.

Agree with most PP. You should not marry this man. Do you have a very close friend or family member you could tell all this to tonight?

When you say the words out loud to someone who has your absolute best interests at heart you will feel immediate relief and they will step up to help with the practicalities.

You will never trust or respect this man. He sounds like the office sleaze and honestly even if you hadn’t overheard his call, there are many other reasons to walk away from him.

Free yourself up to meet a man who builds you up. Who thinks he is punching and tells you this in words and in how he behaves towards you.

I promise you not everyone you know adores your creepy sounding OH.

You’ll be OK OP.
💐

Well yes this. This is what I meant to say!

Never get married unless you adore them and they adore you. It sounds like neither is in play here. He treats you badly, tramples over your boundaries and puts you down. You sound like you are realising that he is not the man you thought he was, getting the ick. To get married in two weeks would be utter madness. The money is already spent, don’t lose more money on a divorce in a years time.

Hugs to you OP.
I hate to state the obvious, but if you are due to get married next week then you really do need to make a decision soon. Postponing would seem a sensible option x

Marriage to him would be so miserable

OP I know it's very hard to think of cancelling a week before the wedding but please please don't marry him. He's a creep and a liar. You are completely in the right about his behaviour and if you stay with him it will only get worse. You are better off single than married to a man who puts you down and messes about with other women. You deserve much better than this. A decent man would not treat you like this. Please do yourself a favour and end this now.

I can't disagree with you on coping and dealing with grief. Everyone does this in their own way. But, from what OP said, it seems to have been pattern from quite early on.

OP as I also said upthread, you need to look out for you right now. If this means just postponing the wedding for now, then maybe consider that. It then gives you time and hopefully your counselling sessions will begin before too long. Whatever happens, I just don't think next week is the right time to be making this huge commitment. Not when things are so very much up in the air like they are right now.

@OP, I was also crying in my car today.

It is the anniversary of when I through my husband out. Back then I was so scared and could only think about the next day/step. My brain knew that other people survived breakups intact but I couldn’t believe it.

I was crying with gratitude, I am so so pleased and proud that the version of me from back then took that leap of faith and made the life I have now possible.

Can you imagine how awful he will be when you're married? Pregnant? Essentially vulnerable and what he considers trapped.

He wants you to feel like you're nothing, and need him, are lucky to have him. He is a creep, probably makes people at the office uncomfortable and most likely isn't as loved by your family/friends as you believe.

What good do you get from this relationship?

How will marriage change him??

What is your final line to cross???

You mean the previous women in his life all decided they weren't going to tolerate the negging, the stonewalling, the gaslighting, the spending shitloads on sex workers, the claims that every woman wants to fuck him and the predatory behaviour towards job applicants and dumped him, don't you?

He sounds very insecure... like he's trying to prove something. Also sounds quite a womaniser with the only fans models he follows etc.

I think he sounds insecure too

OP this is awful and you deserve so much better, you honestly do.
It boils down to 2 options:

a) cancel the wedding
or
b) divorce him because of an affair later on.

He is already actively looking to cheat, if the opportunity arose he would do it. I think you know that deep down.

Also as if the lady in the shop said you were punching! What a pathetic creep he is to make up such rot. He sounds like someone most people would run a mile from. I do hope you do the same.

Don't marry him, you are in for a miserable life if you do. He's a liar, will most likely be a cheat (if not already) and he doesn't respect you. I hope you find the strength to walk away. x

Have you got someone in real life you can confide in?
I think saying it out loud to someone who has your best interest at heart will help.
Your family and friends only love him because they don't know about the OF and the messaging. Do you think they would if they knew? Even they will tell you to cancel.

Yes, the poor lamb, and the only way he can cope with his insecurity is to try it on with every woman in sight.

You can be insecure and an utter cheating bastard at the same time.

My sister called off her wedding two weeks before. It was traumatic at the time, of course. But she married another man a couple of years later and it has lasted over 40 years, four children and three grandchildren!

Please don’t marry this man!

I wonder if he doesn’t want to get married next week, so he’s stepped up the bad behaviour recently in the hope that you’ll cancel the wedding so that he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

So it's very clear that he's a dreadful partner in many ways, it isn't just his behaviour around women.
You know you have to call off this wedding and end the relationship, to save yourself.
The cost of cancelling the wedding is a small price to pay in the long run.

I often wish I could go back in time and ended things after he was messaging that woman. I think me letting that slide has opened the flood gates for all the other stuff.

The closest thing to this that you can do is to end it now. And if you wish you could go back in time and end it with him then that is a pretty clear sign, of the red light and siren flashing in front of your face type, that you shouldn't marry him now.

The inevitable divorce will be much more expensive. Usually people will get accommodation costs back if they cancel out with 48 hours and they can always where those outfits to another event. Please do not end up married to this disrespectful, misogynistic arsehole to save other people a few quid. I'd be devastated to hear a good friend or family member had gotten married because they were worried about me wasting a couple hundred quid.

OP do you have another thread about this under a different name?
If so, the same advice applies.
He's a disrespectful, sleazy scumbag and the very best thing you can do for your future is cancel the wedding and run a mile.
But I suspect that, like StrawberryLatte, you'll be packing soon and married within a week, which will be such a waste if your life.

Please don't marry this man. Not now, not ever. And sod couples counselling - that's for people who essentially want to be together but have difficulties with their connection. It can't fix narcissism, it won't change his attitudes or behaviour and it doesn't EVER make past transgressions OK.

I don't care if he's "insecure". Lots of people are insecure but manage not to tart about like this pillock. It's not your job to fix him, or to prioritise his possible mental health issues above your own. In the classic MN words, you are not obliged to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Maybe objectively he's not that bad, has some great qualities, maybe you are in a bad place right now and inclined to see the worst. But even if all that were true - which I doubt - you clearly feel really bad about the relationship and about how he makes you feel. So you HAVE to listen to those feelings and at least postpone, but probably cancel. I didn't and it didn't end well. And mine wasn't a total gobshite, I just didn't feel about him as I should have. This guy sounds like a gobshite.