Am I taking this all too seriously?

[Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary]

I’ll try to keep this short as a lot has happened in my relationship and I think I’ve been gaslit to the point where I’m not even sure if I’m overreacting or not

Been with DP for two years and we are due to get married next week.

a year ago I discovered he had been messaging a woman on instagram. Nothing really flirty from his side but it was obvious she was interested. He does a sport and she watches apparently. He said things like he would let her know when he was playing next etc. I think he liked the attention of it all but was also clear with her that he was in a relationship. I stupidly let it slide because he showed me all messages etc and I thought he had just got caught up in it 🤦🏻‍♀️

since then I have discovered he follows lots of OF models on instagram etc. We have had 6 separate conversations about me not being comfortable with it. He says he will remove them, I discover he hasn’t and an argument happens because he is not respecting my wishes. I’m not controlling but not happy with him liking and following naked women online.

He had added some women on his PlayStation. I asked for them to be removed and he said he would. I went to play on mine the other day and they came up as suggested friends/we had mutual friends. He then gaslit me saying I had got it wrong until I made him load it up and showed him. He then started saying how he didn’t know how they got there.

Lately he has been saying things like “oh that lady in the shop said you were punching” etc. Basically negging me. I did this when we went shopping for his wedding suit and last week when I ended up in hospital he asked if the nurse prepping me for potential surgery had asked who the Adonis with me was.

The final straw came when I heard him on a work call saying it was important to see the photo of who they were interviewing, basically wanting to interview the ones who look nice/pretty. I even heard a colleague say “typical X acting like a red blooded 20 year old again” so he must have form for doing/saying these things at work

After this last incident I just feel numb inside. Not angry, just like I don’t give a fuck. It might be something small but I think it’s the straw that broke the camels back

For some background I have also recently had 3 consecutive miscarriages. One that landed me in hospital seriously ill. I’ve told him several times that these experiences have left me hating myself. I do not have a good relationship with my body right now but I’m not sure if this is making me blow everything out of proportion.

He is always with me, does whatever I need him to do. Always saying he loves me etc and was amazing during my miscarriages. However he doesn’t seem interested in how I feel now and does all this stupid shit

@Chillisintheair no one has mentioned thyroid so thank you, that is something to keep in mind ❤️

also my friends and family all adore him. He is very charming and charismatic. He is the perfect gent to anyone around him

Let one of them marry him

Save yourself 🥰😍

Also OP, have you been offered any counselling or trauma support?

I often wish I could go back in time and ended things after he was messaging that woman. I think me letting that slide has opened the flood gates for all the other stuff.

one of his problems is that he never explains things. Just acts as if it was nothing to do with them, as if these things just happen to him. There’s no real responsibility.

so things never get dealt with and when they come up again he just says “you always bring up the past” or “I thought we were over this” - problem is I’m not over any of it

I’m on the list for some ptsd support. Unfortunately miscarriage support is a bit scarce in my area and things like depression/anxiety/CBT aren’t really appropriate.

This isn't love. It's not a loving caring relationship and you will never be able to trust him.

Don't marry a man who follows OF women - jesus christ.

Have some therapy and unpick your low self esteem - honestly - you can FLY in life onto better things.

Cancelling a wedding is nowhere near as painful, difficult and expensive as a divorce.

He's repeatedly disregarded your boundaries, your feelings and your sense of self. He would rather lie to you than deal with any of it. OF COURSE he wants to 'move past this', because he's utterly in the wrong and doesn't want to be called out for his sh1tty behaviour. If I'd behaved as badly as he has, I'D probably want everyone to forget about it as well.

He takes no responsibility.
He lies to you.
He comes up with the lamest excuses known to man.
He negs and undermines you.

These things tell me that he doesn't respect you or your feelings. He thinks you're stupid - that you'll believe his lies, that you'll fall for his pathetic explanations (I don't know how that got there etc.)

I really don't think you should marry someone who clearly thinks so little of you.

If you did marry this man your life would gradually get worse. People like him who get off on this behaviour do not know how to restrict themselves. They just get worse and worse. Perhaps in different ways.
Imagine how he would be parenting a 5 yr old boy.
It will only cost money, someone said upthread. Hard as it is, that is right. Salvage what you can money and asset wise. At least you will regain 100% of yourself.

Please don't marry him. Don't worry about outfits and expense, people will want you to be OK and they will understand.

No matter what the reason for him being this way is, the fact is that he isn't fixing it, he's not trying to change (therapy or similar). He's not even explaining himself, he sees it as justified. He just expects you to deal with it. When he thinks you're "locked in" through marriage/children, it'll only get worse.

So sorry about your miscarriages💐. I've been there and it's so tough.

Op you say you’ve felt like you were going mad. I’ve been there, your brain and body are telling you everything. Okay it’s a pain about the money but this is your life and your mental health. You know it’s not right to marry him.

And op lots of people cancel weddings or things change, don’t worry about that, if these people love you they’ll want the best for you.

@Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary I get the same response oh it’s in the past, you do need to leave him whilst you have this fire. My ‘D’P wore me down, I’ve got no self esteem etc and all sorts. Just leave. And don’t get sucked in by any nonsense from him.

Don't throw your life away on this piece of crap!

Call off the wedding (and consider a few weeks of pain better than years of it)!

@Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary apart from what PP have already said, I’m deeply unconfortable by the fact

• he is amazing and charismatic BUT known at work to be ‘red blooded’ (if they know, it must be bad)
• started to put you down and grind at your self esteem once you decided to get married
• all in the middle of you trying to get pg.
• he is not taking any responsibility agd doesn’t respect your boundaries.

This man is bad news. Actually I wouldnt be surprised if he was turning out fully abusive after the wedding.

Im sorry you need up with such a looser.

You need to ask yourself why you are willing to settle for this bloke.

You deserve so much better OP.
You deserve love and respect. You will never get that from this man. You will never be able to trust him.
Please don't marry him.

Well apart from to you. There is no respect.

I’m also in the don’t marry him camp.
Also, you shouldn’t “have” to be over his inconsiderate behaviour - you’re allowed to not like it and it is disrespectful to you.
By saying you should be over/past it, he’s asking you to stop questioning what he’s doing.

Do not marry the office creep!! Do you want to find out in a few years he’s sleeping with some 20 year old office junior?

Take it as a blessing you’ve found out now. Pack your bags and run!!

Also sorry about the miscarriages OP - that’s very difficult. Don’t take him being supportive as a sign to say - literally anyone would be. Good luck!

I'd say he thinks your getting married, you're locked in, and he's starting to show his true colours. He'll only get worse. It will be a huge shock to him if you end things, he thinks he's in control.

I also think you should call off the wedding, sorry OP

From a man’s point of view I would suggest you look to postpone the wedding and go to couples therapy. Miscarriages are an emotional experience for women, however the men also grieve too and this can reflect in the way they act. I’m not condoning his behaviour, however could it be that he is feeling insecure and seeking validation? It sounds like on the whole you have a great relationship, however there are some significant issues you need to openly discuss before going down the road of a life time commitment.

Please don't marry him if he makes you feel like shit! And definitely don't have a child with him. He has shown you his true colours. The wedding may be expensive, but trust me unwinding it is even more costly, so best bail out now. I think you can do far better, his behaviour sounds awful to be fair. Sorry you are going theough this OP.

I agree with @JamieKnight, rather than cancel, postpone the wedding.

I worked with 2 people who were having an affair with each other. Seemed madly in love. Both were getting married to other people within weeks of each other. The girl's fiancé also worked with us. Neither of them cancelled their respective weddings and both ended up very unhappy as did 4 families.

It's better in the long run to stop, wait, think. Easy to get caught up in a wedding but so much harder and painful to end, or endure, a marriage.

He’s foul and the one that’s ‘punching’ considering his godawful attitude.

You deserve better, it’s tough to move on but sticking with a person like this will only end in greater sadness later.