Did he force himself on me? Trigger warning

[Scrd]

I have been dating this man for 3 months. He seemed so respectful, and we really got on well.

We had gotten a bit tipsy whilst he was working away, we were texting and he spoke about us having sex for the first time. I said I would not like to have sex without a condom, and we would need to get tested etc. He was like yeah okay.

We recently went on another date, had some wine, came back to my house. We are kissing and getting heated, he pulls my pj shorts down half way so my leg is kind of tangled and lies down on me hard. He tries to put himself in without a condom, so I say no stop. He continues and goes inside, he’s a really big guy so I couldn’t push him off as he was lying on top of me. I kept saying no stop, he wasn’t listening or just kept saying how good it felt. Eventually I stopped saying no and just lay there in silence. I felt so weird. Then I said let me move my legs because they were all tangled in my shorts still, he eventually stopped.

I feel really weird about it but I don’t know what to think, he’s been so nice, but he just trampled right over my boundary

You poor thing, I didn’t want to read and not reply. Yes, he forced himself on you.

have you got someone in real life to talk to? Or you can call a helpline or talk here. I’m sorry this happened to you. Xxxx

You said no. It was rape.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please look after yourself. Take time to process and heal.

Rape, rape, rape.

Oh sweetheart I want to give you a hug that's rape that's the definition of rape I think you need to speak to someone about it and get tested and then if you want to report it that's up to you but please please speak to someone I'm so so sorry that happened to you x

Also, please don’t make apologies for him. You set out a clear boundary before, you said no at the time. This is rape. He doesn’t get to say otherwise.

You were very clear in your communications with him - you explained in advance that there’d be no sex without a condom and then you repeatedly said no in the moment as well. He ignored all of that to do what HE wanted to do: it was rape. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. Please don’t let him minimise it to you as I’m sure he will try to do: look after yourself.

I’m so sorry op. Yes he did force himself on you. “No. Stop” is very clear. This is not your fault, he is a rancid bastard. Block. Delete. Arrange an STI test when you feel up to it and if you can, talk to someone IRL.

I just have never felt so helpless. And I just have carried on talking to him as normal . Feel like i can’t suddenly accuse him of rape

This is rape in both levels. He forced himself on you despite you saying no. And not using a condom, rape also. Report him to police, he probably has a previous for this.

@Scrd cut contact just stop replying to him you are in shock you have done absolutely nothing wrong. speak to someone even ring 0808 500 2222 (rape crisis) to talk it out x

Not using a condom as per the female request is rape. Using condom and taking it off discreetly without female knowing at the time is a rape also. And continuing to do the deed when female clearly resisting is ofcourse also rape. Regardless of any intoxication by alcohol. Consent can also be withdrawn by the female anytime.

Arguably the carrying on and talking as normal afterwards is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history, being much weaker physically and the very real possibility of a man becoming aggressive and violent. Your reaction is very common. It was rape. You did nothing wrong.

He raped you. I'm so sorry. I know how awful it is

It was rape.

You need to think about what you do next.

I'd definitely cut contact/block him you don't owe him an explanation.

You should also consider going to the police. He's likely done it before and will do it again.

My first time with my ex husband he just did it, no discussion, no asking if I was ok, no condom. I froze and let him. I never thought of it as rape. I stayed with him, married him and endured a ten year abusive relationship.

Walk away now.

I understand your reaction too.
I think it’s hard to acknowledge you have been raped because it doesn’t seem like it was like, bad enough or something. It feels like it’s adjacent to what you were prepared to do. You were going to have sex with him eventually, or with a condom, or you already just had. And it’s gone a bit too far. So you feel like you’re making a fuss. It feels a bit embarrassing to say something so grave has occurred. But objectively if a man puts his dick in you without your consent and indeed with you asking him to stop, that’s all rape is.

That’s awful, you poor thing, that was rape, most clearly. You told him you reiterated your conditions on having sex. Then more important- you said stop. Repeating it a few times stop. Then lay still submitting. That was rape.

you don’t need to just stop seeing him

you need to report it

This is rape 100 definitely. Don't blame yourself. Report it and if it was recent don't wash clothes you wore or yourself. You don't have to supportive for police action after reporting, if you are undecided now, but providing forensic evidence now and his details ensures that if there is another case against him in future by another women, can strengthen case against him.

You said no sweetheart x

@Scrd you are not helpless and you don’t have to accuse him of anything if you don’t want to. Unfortunately when something like this happens a lot of women (me included) try to minimise it because we don’t want to accept what’s happened. This is not your fault. No means no. You have had a terrible shock, it’s going to take some time to process and work through it.

Ignore 100, meant 100 per cent

He raped you. Stop talking to him as if nothing has happened. Be kind to yourself and talk to someone at the Rape Crisis Centre for support.

I would be inclined to text him one final message ending the relationship. He's not a nice man.

I'd end this relationship, no matter how nice he may seem outside of this incident. If he's done this to you after a few drinks so early in the relationship then he'll likely do it again. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Find someone who treats women with respect.

Please don't question yourself or agonise further. It matters not that you were kissing or getting steamy with him. Fact is you said no several times to having penetrative sex, and had also made it clear to him in advance that you didn't want that unless you'd both been tested and he was wearing a condom.

OP I'm so sorry - this is actually how rape frequently happens.

Our image is of stranger rape and fighting against him - but reality is usually it's someone you've been seeing a few months who suddenly uses his phenomenonal strength against you to hold you in place (men are far, far stronger than women and it gets forgotten easily in modern society).

So women feel uncomfortable to go completely nuclear and make the classic 'screaming' scene.

Report it so it goes down as a stat, and if a second case comes up he's got a case against him.

Your response is very normal. Please take care of yourself and cut him off. Call rape crisis for some support.

It’s rape and you owe him NOTHING. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been sweet as pie with him since, he is a rapist and I repeat, you owe him NOTHING. There is no need to feel guilty or ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. The shame and guilt is on him alone.