Did he force himself on me? Trigger warning

[Scrd]

I have been dating this man for 3 months. He seemed so respectful, and we really got on well.

We had gotten a bit tipsy whilst he was working away, we were texting and he spoke about us having sex for the first time. I said I would not like to have sex without a condom, and we would need to get tested etc. He was like yeah okay.

We recently went on another date, had some wine, came back to my house. We are kissing and getting heated, he pulls my pj shorts down half way so my leg is kind of tangled and lies down on me hard. He tries to put himself in without a condom, so I say no stop. He continues and goes inside, he’s a really big guy so I couldn’t push him off as he was lying on top of me. I kept saying no stop, he wasn’t listening or just kept saying how good it felt. Eventually I stopped saying no and just lay there in silence. I felt so weird. Then I said let me move my legs because they were all tangled in my shorts still, he eventually stopped.

I feel really weird about it but I don’t know what to think, he’s been so nice, but he just trampled right over my boundary

Oh you poor pet.
He absolutely raped you.
How awful.
Please reach out to a rape support group.
He is a very very bad man.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

He has raped you.

Please report it to the police.

Sweetheart, don't feel bad for not responding the way you think you ought to have done, that's normal. Block him if that's easiest. If you need more closure consider bringing it up by text, mentioning your lack of consent but not using the word rape (which it was, no ifs and buts). He may well implicate himself in a reply which you can then take to police.

I agree with this. The same thing happened to me, long ago, and I felt ashamed for letting him get away with it.

But far from shameful, that can be a life-saving response. You’d discovered he was dangerous, and you talked your way out of risking further violence. Well done!

On a different occasion, when I was younger, a man attacked me when I had simply said No and tried to back away. I was quite badly hurt. I’m glad you stayed calm and survived without physical injuries.

Don’t let him see you again to ‘apologise’.

Isn’t it awful that so many women on here haven’t told op to report this to the police. We all know why.

I’m so sorry op. This is rape. Please seek support. MN is here for you too x

Sorry this happened to you- he raped you. Tell him that. If you're doubting it was rape, try to read your post as if your eg sister/mum/friend wrote it and see how you'd react to them sharing exactly this with you. You'd likely be horrified- so please don't make any excuses for him. Good luck with your next steps.

No means no! you need to report this guy

Please make sure you think about getting emergency contraception and STI check when appropriate.

What you choose to do about this dispicable rapist is your decision but please do talk to someone, such as Rape Crisis.

Oh darling. I’m so sorry. Xx

A similar thing happened to me and, because I didn’t shout or yell or push him off, I felt like it wasn’t really an assault. That I hadn’t been clear enough in my communication. That I’d been too passive in allowing it to happen. The next morning we had breakfast and I gave him a lift to the station.

So I understand your reticence about calling it rape.

But no means no. Unless you gave enthusiastic consent, he knew you didn’t want to have sex. It’s rape.

I’m sorry this happened to you. It helped me to learn that it’s very common to feel paralysed into no action during sexual assault. Your brain is trying to process the unexpected and while it’s doing this, your body goes into emergency mode as it considers survival the most important thing. Ever heard of the saying ‘like a rabbit in headlights’? A rabbit is aware there is danger but hasn’t yet worked out the safest option of which direction to hop away from danger so stands still.

This man abused you please block him and seek support .

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences and kind words. I’m sorry if that’s happened to you too reading that it’s actually called right feels weird but I’ve blocked him. I did tell him that when I told him no that was scary
that he didn’t listen. He kind of over it, I just blocked him. I haven’t told anyone yet. I’m not sure I will.

It is absolutely your choice on whether you tell others however I would recommend your local rape crisis you can self refer online but again no rush you get to decide when your ready

You’ve done absolutely the right thing in blocking him. All your reactions were normal - it’s such a shocking and awful thing to happen. Be kind to yourself and it might take a while but you will get there xx

You can because he did.
You can go to the police if you want.
You can call a rape crisis centre and get their support. https://rapecrisis.org.uk/find-a-centre/ if you want. You have the choice of what to do.
I’m so sorry this happened. None of this was on you, the crime is his alone.

You absolutely can accuse him of rape. He knows what he has done.

You might not want to tell anyone and that’s ok. But I’d encourage you to give some thought to how you feel about it over the coming weeks and months. If you’re angry at him and recognise that this was his wrongdoing, that’s a reasonable way to feel. If you start to feel any shame or guilt about what happened, you might want to seek some help to process that.

It wasn’t your fault.

From what you've wrote this was rape. He didn't stop when you said no and he didn't use protection.

This was not your fault and as others have suggested please contact the support numbers if you need to. Also get checked ASAP to help put your mind at ease.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and that he seemed like a nice guy - he obvs isn't a good guy to have done this.

I hope your OK OP

He didn't just trample over any boundary. This was rape. I'm sorry OP. Don't talk to him or see him again. Consider reporting him to the police because it's likely it's not the first time he's done this.

Yes you can. Lots of women get confused after they've been raped or sexually assaulted as it's not the stranger down a dark alley they imagined. It's a man they know by name, have some kind of relationship with, someone who's smiled at them or been generous, someone they share interests with or who's even met their extended family.

Most women find it a highly distressing experience. You may not so much, and might process it more as confusion or anger, but that doesn't mean it wasn't rape.

Wolf in the sheep clothing - what a despicable man. OP he is not a 'nice' man - he took advantage of the situation and manipulated it to his benefit.

Please get yourself tested - then speak to a support group anonymously.

The most important thing do not let this event be the instigation of subsequent downward spiral, self blaming,reflection and destruction mode we seen so many poor women suffered from.

This man is nothing in your life now- let karma sort him out. Please look after yourself.

I don't want to label this and make you feel worse, but you should take it to the police and let them do the labelling. Just tell them exactly what happened and insist on speaking to a female officer. I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

Oh pet I'm so sorry this has happened to you, yes he did force himself not once did you say yes ,and even if you had then changed your mind half way threw or at any time, no means fucking no, so don't you dare be sat there thinking any of this was either your fault or questioning yourself he's the rat nice guy normally or not you will be in shock that ots happened please speak with someone your close with and you can trust so your not alone with this 🌸

You’re all making me cry with your nice messages. Thank you so much for your support, I’m not ready to tell anyone yet because I feel ashamed?

not really sure why, I’m usually the first one to advocate for women. I understand it’s his fault and nothing I did wrong. I can’t believe so many men do this…

Arguably the carrying on and talking as normal afterwards is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history, being much weaker physically and the very real possibility of a man becoming aggressive and violent. Your reaction is very common. It was rape. You did nothing wrong.

This is so true.