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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did he force himself on me? Trigger warning

99 replies

Scrd · 01/10/2024 06:30

I have been dating this man for 3 months. He seemed so respectful, and we really got on well.

We had gotten a bit tipsy whilst he was working away, we were texting and he spoke about us having sex for the first time. I said I would not like to have sex without a condom, and we would need to get tested etc. He was like yeah okay.

We recently went on another date, had some wine, came back to my house. We are kissing and getting heated, he pulls my pj shorts down half way so my leg is kind of tangled and lies down on me hard. He tries to put himself in without a condom, so I say no stop. He continues and goes inside, he’s a really big guy so I couldn’t push him off as he was lying on top of me. I kept saying no stop, he wasn’t listening or just kept saying how good it felt. Eventually I stopped saying no and just lay there in silence. I felt so weird. Then I said let me move my legs because they were all tangled in my shorts still, he eventually stopped.

I feel really weird about it but I don’t know what to think, he’s been so nice, but he just trampled right over my boundary

OP posts:
Saddteacher · 01/10/2024 21:58

I’m so sorry this happened to you . X

Rain11 · 01/10/2024 21:59

I would check him on Clare's law. It might not be the first time he does it.

I'm sorry.

category12 · 01/10/2024 22:00

It's not an unusual reaction to smooth over and pretend everything's OK - partly self-preservation from his potential reaction, partly self-preservation by trying to regain control of the narrative.

Please speak to Rape Crisis.

Link below goes to a comic that might resonate, but please consider if it may be triggering.

https://thenib.com/trigger-warning-breakfast-c6cdeec070e6/#.j4i6ltxzv

Trigger Warning: Breakfast | The Nib

The morning after I was raped, I thought I could create another story This comic is featured in Eat More Comics: The Best of The Nib—available here!

https://thenib.com/trigger-warning-breakfast-c6cdeec070e6#.j4i6ltxzv

Korn4 · 01/10/2024 22:07

Op, what is extremely important is that you know categorically that you did nothing wrong.
No means no.
No doesn't mean carry on and ignore.
No doesn't mean enter without a condom when specifically told that during sex you want him to wear a condom.
No doesn't mean I'll carry on because it feels good for me irrespective of what you feel.
No simply means no.

I would do the following in your shoes, I know you've blocked him but I'd send him one message saying that because he ignored your consent and chose to rape you that you simply have nothing further to say to him. You'll need this as evidence.

Then I absolutely would report him to the police, I know that's hard and it's accepting what he's done to you but this man is a rapist, and it's highly likely if he gets away with it once he'll do it again, do this for you and the other women who have the potential misfortune of coming his way.

I'd also call rape crisis as well so that you have the means of talking it through with someone who is trained to speak to victims.

Op, this man is a rapist. You did not wrong, you said no.

Secradonugh · 02/10/2024 03:46

desparateidiot · 01/10/2024 10:26

No means no! you need to report this guy

Not trying to Diss but add to your comment. Yes means yes, everything else means no.

Secradonugh · 02/10/2024 03:58

Scrd · 01/10/2024 21:45

You’re all making me cry with your nice messages. Thank you so much for your support, I’m not ready to tell anyone yet because I feel ashamed?

not really sure why, I’m usually the first one to advocate for women. I understand it’s his fault and nothing I did wrong. I can’t believe so many men do this…

You are a victim and it's far easier to feel shame than it is to acknowledge that you had no control. Calling the act as a mis understanding or assault is 100x easier than saying you are a victim of rape by someone who you invited in to your home. That's why most rapes are not reported. Please at the very least deal with the practicality of unprotected sex. STD and pregnancy checks. If you feel you just need a push then say and MNers can help you. Remember please that you will have triggers for PTSD and you can contact the various RC teams at any point. For the sake of my daughters I hope you do contact them, as this will happen to the next woman. He got what he wanted.

Newnamehiwhodis · 02/10/2024 04:02

I am sitting here wishing he’d have to answer for this. Jus so angry, wishing he’d have some consequences.
and yet, I did not report it when it happened to me.
i completely understand the struggle you’re going through, and how our minds can’t quite wrap around it.

it is easy for me to see in your case, and not so easy in my own - I guess we’re just too close to the circumstances in which we believed better of someone - it’s hard to reconciled them with the same man who wouldn’t listen to “no.”

I am so sorry. I’m glad you’ve blocked him. I hope you have support and healing around this.

You did NOTHING wrong, and all your reactions are completely normal! We freeze when it doesn’t look like the evil attacker in the street … when it looks, instead, like a person we trusted.

:(

XChrome · 02/10/2024 04:25

That is the very definition of date rape. Please contact your local rape crisis centre and consider reporting it to the police.
Do not see this man again or communicate with him in any way.
I'm so sorry he did that to you.

XChrome · 02/10/2024 04:29

Scrd · 01/10/2024 21:45

You’re all making me cry with your nice messages. Thank you so much for your support, I’m not ready to tell anyone yet because I feel ashamed?

not really sure why, I’m usually the first one to advocate for women. I understand it’s his fault and nothing I did wrong. I can’t believe so many men do this…

Can you at least go and have a rape kit done before the evidence is gone? Then you can decide from there if you want to report.

kkloo · 02/10/2024 04:54

EarthSight · 01/10/2024 20:31

Yes you can. Lots of women get confused after they've been raped or sexually assaulted as it's not the stranger down a dark alley they imagined. It's a man they know by name, have some kind of relationship with, someone who's smiled at them or been generous, someone they share interests with or who's even met their extended family.

Most women find it a highly distressing experience. You may not so much, and might process it more as confusion or anger, but that doesn't mean it wasn't rape.

Show quote history

Agree with most of your post except for that most women find it highly distressing, I think that confusion like the OP experienced is the most common response.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/aug/26/unacknowledged-the-sexual-assault-survivors-who-hide-their-trauma-even-from-themselves

https://archive.ph/bEcRV

Unacknowledged rape: the sexual assault survivors who hide their trauma – even from themselves

Surveys suggest a large proportion of women have experienced sexual assaults that they labelled as a misunderstanding. This has serious psychological repercussions and increases the chance of being victimised again

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/aug/26/unacknowledged-the-sexual-assault-survivors-who-hide-their-trauma-even-from-themselves

kkloo · 02/10/2024 04:59

Scrd · 01/10/2024 21:45

You’re all making me cry with your nice messages. Thank you so much for your support, I’m not ready to tell anyone yet because I feel ashamed?

not really sure why, I’m usually the first one to advocate for women. I understand it’s his fault and nothing I did wrong. I can’t believe so many men do this…

I'm so sorry that this happened to you, but I am glad that you at least have posted here.

It's so normal to feel ashamed even though of course you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you don't want to speak to someone you know or even phone the rape crisis center then they also have a web chat service you could use if you wanted something a bit more than MN.

WalkingaroundJardine · 02/10/2024 05:08

Really sorry that happened. You were likely also confused by the “nice” persona that you saw on previous dates. He likely mirrored back what he felt would give you a false sense of security and waited until alcohol would affect your ability to respond.
Don squish down your experience out of shame. You made a good start by creating a thread. I would call the appropriate helpline so you can at least talk about it even if you feel you cannot report it right now.

daisychain01 · 02/10/2024 05:20

He was like yeah okay

whenever a man says yeah OK to you, when you are talking about what you need, please please see that as a red flag. He's being dismissive, not taking your wishes and needs seriously.

dont get involved with someone like that. You deserve better. Demand better. No actually scrub that, say thanks but no thanks and spin on your heels, get someone who respects you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2024 05:21

Well done for being so brave, coming here and talking about your experience. We believe you. Flowers

Snowdrops17 · 03/10/2024 07:45

Scrd · 01/10/2024 21:45

You’re all making me cry with your nice messages. Thank you so much for your support, I’m not ready to tell anyone yet because I feel ashamed?

not really sure why, I’m usually the first one to advocate for women. I understand it’s his fault and nothing I did wrong. I can’t believe so many men do this…

Sweetheart he knows exactly what he did. so you look after you now I hope when you feel you can you will speak to somebody even a friend . Mind yourself x

WildViper · 03/10/2024 23:24

Scrd · 01/10/2024 21:45

You’re all making me cry with your nice messages. Thank you so much for your support, I’m not ready to tell anyone yet because I feel ashamed?

not really sure why, I’m usually the first one to advocate for women. I understand it’s his fault and nothing I did wrong. I can’t believe so many men do this…

The freeze response is a very real thing , I hope your OK nothing justifies his behaviour I really hope with time and support you are able to heal from all of this 🙏 🌸

WildViper · 03/10/2024 23:26

And the fawn I believe you've been experiencing both 🌸 have a wee search they will help

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/10/2024 23:31

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Please don't feel ashamed. You did nothing wronv. You made it very clear that you did not consent, and he forced himself on you anyway. That's horrible.

Please get some help in RL to enable you to work through your feelings about what happened. You deserve support to get through this.

Rubysims · 18/12/2024 04:01

petitdonkey · 01/10/2024 06:32

You poor thing, I didn’t want to read and not reply. Yes, he forced himself on you.

have you got someone in real life to talk to? Or you can call a helpline or talk here. I’m sorry this happened to you. Xxxx

Please can we talk i feel the same just happened to me and i need support

Rubysims · 18/12/2024 04:01

Scrd · 01/10/2024 06:30

I have been dating this man for 3 months. He seemed so respectful, and we really got on well.

We had gotten a bit tipsy whilst he was working away, we were texting and he spoke about us having sex for the first time. I said I would not like to have sex without a condom, and we would need to get tested etc. He was like yeah okay.

We recently went on another date, had some wine, came back to my house. We are kissing and getting heated, he pulls my pj shorts down half way so my leg is kind of tangled and lies down on me hard. He tries to put himself in without a condom, so I say no stop. He continues and goes inside, he’s a really big guy so I couldn’t push him off as he was lying on top of me. I kept saying no stop, he wasn’t listening or just kept saying how good it felt. Eventually I stopped saying no and just lay there in silence. I felt so weird. Then I said let me move my legs because they were all tangled in my shorts still, he eventually stopped.

I feel really weird about it but I don’t know what to think, he’s been so nice, but he just trampled right over my boundary

Please can we talk, same happened to me i need support

Fraggeek · 13/02/2025 20:47

Secradonugh · 02/10/2024 03:46

Not trying to Diss but add to your comment. Yes means yes, everything else means no.

Show quote history

Thank you for this comment. I will be teaching this to my son's. I've always been very clear on consent but this is an excellent way to word it.

booklovingmum · 16/02/2025 08:52

Yes 100% I am so sorry that happened to you

autienotnaughty · 16/02/2025 09:06

You said no and he carried on definitely rape. When in a situation like that the body will go into fight, flight, freeze or friend. You couldn't fight or flight because he was on top of you holding you down, so you went into freeze then friend. Completely normal reaction from your body /brain to such an abhorrent experience. It was your brain trying to keep you as safe as possible in an unsafe situation.

WowSpeechless · 17/02/2025 12:15

This was first posted in Oct 24. I hope the op is ok.

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