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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did he force himself on me? Trigger warning

99 replies

Scrd · 01/10/2024 06:30

I have been dating this man for 3 months. He seemed so respectful, and we really got on well.

We had gotten a bit tipsy whilst he was working away, we were texting and he spoke about us having sex for the first time. I said I would not like to have sex without a condom, and we would need to get tested etc. He was like yeah okay.

We recently went on another date, had some wine, came back to my house. We are kissing and getting heated, he pulls my pj shorts down half way so my leg is kind of tangled and lies down on me hard. He tries to put himself in without a condom, so I say no stop. He continues and goes inside, he’s a really big guy so I couldn’t push him off as he was lying on top of me. I kept saying no stop, he wasn’t listening or just kept saying how good it felt. Eventually I stopped saying no and just lay there in silence. I felt so weird. Then I said let me move my legs because they were all tangled in my shorts still, he eventually stopped.

I feel really weird about it but I don’t know what to think, he’s been so nice, but he just trampled right over my boundary

OP posts:
Ivyy · 01/10/2024 07:25

I'm so sorry op, that is rape. You said no, he ignored you, I had a similar experience once and found it so hard to attach the word to my experience. He seemed so nice, a few drinks changed him

Ophy83 · 01/10/2024 07:35

I'm sorry he did that to you. It is rape.

You don't need to give him any explanation or to engage in an argument with him about whether it was rape (date rapists can get very offended at the suggestion they might be rapists), you owe him nothing.

SquishyGloopyBum · 01/10/2024 07:43

Scrd · 01/10/2024 06:41

I just have never felt so helpless. And I just have carried on talking to him as normal . Feel like i can’t suddenly accuse him of rape

It's a perfectly normal reaction you had. And one that's common.

Even if you can't get your head around calling it rape, he assaulted you. You said no. He didn't stop.

Can you tell a good friend? Or call rape crisis?

Notwhatuwanttohear · 01/10/2024 07:45

This is rape.

Don't put yourself through anything else with this pig.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/10/2024 07:46

You could not have been clearer love. He's a horrible, horrible human being.

exhaustedmum24 · 01/10/2024 07:51

Scrd · 01/10/2024 06:30

I have been dating this man for 3 months. He seemed so respectful, and we really got on well.

We had gotten a bit tipsy whilst he was working away, we were texting and he spoke about us having sex for the first time. I said I would not like to have sex without a condom, and we would need to get tested etc. He was like yeah okay.

We recently went on another date, had some wine, came back to my house. We are kissing and getting heated, he pulls my pj shorts down half way so my leg is kind of tangled and lies down on me hard. He tries to put himself in without a condom, so I say no stop. He continues and goes inside, he’s a really big guy so I couldn’t push him off as he was lying on top of me. I kept saying no stop, he wasn’t listening or just kept saying how good it felt. Eventually I stopped saying no and just lay there in silence. I felt so weird. Then I said let me move my legs because they were all tangled in my shorts still, he eventually stopped.

I feel really weird about it but I don’t know what to think, he’s been so nice, but he just trampled right over my boundary

This was NOT ok!

You said NO numerous times.

I feel extremely angry for you 😡 if you don't want to go to the police, cut him off! Block and delete him. Absolutely not acceptable.

He would have heard you he CHOSE not to STOP.

Disgusting waste of oxygen.

HikingforScenery · 01/10/2024 08:01

Really sorry to read this, OP. He absolutely raped you. I’m so sorry. I agree with suggestions to speak to someone, if you can.

DampSquid · 01/10/2024 08:02

Oh sweetheart, it's rape. Please call the rape crisis helpline for support, also if possible tell a close friend or family member so you get real life support too. Ideally report to the police, he may well have form for this.
What he did might not hit you straight away, these things can be buried in our subconscious. Don't blame yourself, don't second guess yourself, it's all on him. You said no x

LovingCritic · 01/10/2024 08:05

Man here, I'm afraid, as others have said, you were raped. You said no, and no means no, you said it on numerous occasions.

Its not acceptable behaviour and this guy deserves to suffer the consequence of his actions.

Please be brave and call the police, many don't and it just lets jerks like this, who give my sex a bad name, get away with this kind of disgusting conduct, the sooner the police are involved the more chance there is of a conviction.

Sorry you are going through this.

BarrysCursedVeins · 01/10/2024 08:10

Oh sweetheart I’m sorry you’ve been through this. I can only imagine how scared and confused you might feel.

Please know that your actions and communication with him after absolutely do not change what he has done. He raped you. It might help you to separate this out in your mind. You are not responsible for his abhorrent actions - that was his choice.

You have choices too, whether or not you decide to report this, but please contact a specialist organisation where you can get the help you need to unravel this trauma.

Lurkingandlearning · 01/10/2024 08:11

Scrd · 01/10/2024 06:41

I just have never felt so helpless. And I just have carried on talking to him as normal . Feel like i can’t suddenly accuse him of rape

I’m so sorry you went through that. It absolutely was rape.

Speak to Rape Crisis and the police. Those who have had correct training will never minimise what has happened because of how you reacted at the time or afterwards when you were processing what happened.

Kerkyra2024 · 01/10/2024 08:16

Im so sorry this happened to you yes this is rape I'm afraid. Please cut him off and report it. He is being nice to ensure you are kept 'reeled in' so to speak. Even had the sex been consensual at the start the moment you say stop it should stop and if it doesn't it becomes rape.

Secradonugh · 01/10/2024 08:23

Scrd · 01/10/2024 06:41

I just have never felt so helpless. And I just have carried on talking to him as normal . Feel like i can’t suddenly accuse him of rape

Nope. That's rape. Not only was it not agreed to (ie a discussion) there was no implied consent and in fact you said no. That's the very definition of rape. You might have been 'encouraging' touching each other and 'leading him on' but he didn't ask, and you said no.(I don't believe you did but that's the normal thing that will get thrown back at you). You had the freeze response which is completely appropriate in this situation. Please have std and morning after pill. None of this is your fault.

Secradonugh · 01/10/2024 08:25

Secradonugh · 01/10/2024 08:23

Nope. That's rape. Not only was it not agreed to (ie a discussion) there was no implied consent and in fact you said no. That's the very definition of rape. You might have been 'encouraging' touching each other and 'leading him on' but he didn't ask, and you said no.(I don't believe you did but that's the normal thing that will get thrown back at you). You had the freeze response which is completely appropriate in this situation. Please have std and morning after pill. None of this is your fault.

Show quote history

Please speak to rape crisis teams. You are implying it's your fault when it isn't. You need to talk to RC because they will help you understand, and they see this too often.

Differentstarts · 01/10/2024 08:37

Scrd · 01/10/2024 06:41

I just have never felt so helpless. And I just have carried on talking to him as normal . Feel like i can’t suddenly accuse him of rape

You absolutely can because he raped you. Iv been there rape messes with your head and makes you do the strangest things and their is no right or wrong in how you feel or how you've acted the only person who is 100% wrong is him. You said no end of their is literally no defence or no excuse to what he did.

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 01/10/2024 08:38

Good grief!
It is correct that if a person says "no" to sex and their partner goes ahead anyway it is rape.
It doesn't matter how nice he was/can be. He isn't somebody that you can ever trust as he ignored your wishes...
Run right now and, if you don't involve the police, he is damn lucky. I personally would as he could do it to somebody else. Take care. 🌷

meringue33 · 01/10/2024 08:43

Something similar happened to me and I told everyone he was my boyfriend because it was easier than explaining I’d been raped. Thank god I got away from him eventually, he was a complete psychopath looking back. It took me over ten years to recognise it was rape and ring Rape Crisis, I hope you are able to do that sooner as processing the trauma will be easier once you have some clarity and support xx

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 01/10/2024 08:47

It was rape, thank god not painful but still rape. Best talk to an advice line to help decide what you do next.

Startinganew32 · 01/10/2024 08:54

What a vile horrible man. He is a rapist. I would report him but I would understand if you don’t have the energy to. I would text him before blocking him and say “what you did to me was rape. I told you no and you carried on”. Even if he isn’t prosecuted he needs to be left in no doubt what he did. Then I’d block and never see the piece of shit again.

Timeforaglassofwine · 01/10/2024 08:57

I agree with everyone else. Sadly exactly the same thing happens to a teen friend of my dd recently. At the very least block and end any contact immediately, but if you can please report. We know the reality of nothing will proberbly be seen to be done by the police, but at least there will be a record and a pattern of behaviour, as he's probably done it before and will probably do it to someone else. If we don't report then the police don't know. 💐

Button28384738 · 01/10/2024 09:00

So sorry this happened to you, yes it is rape. What a disgusting pig of a man.

If you were my daughter I would be telling you to report this to the police.
Also make sure you get a morning after pill and STD check

Flowers
Duckingella · 01/10/2024 09:01

Scrd · 01/10/2024 06:41

I just have never felt so helpless. And I just have carried on talking to him as normal . Feel like i can’t suddenly accuse him of rape

You said no;more than once.

You couldn't move because he was using his size to hold you in place.

You'd already had a conversation where you told him you would not have unprotected sex and he tried to penetrate you unprotected knowing this.

He raped you.There's no if's or but's here.

The only consent is enthusiastic consent;you said no,he carried on;by the very definition of the law he committed a crime.

2921j2 · 01/10/2024 09:03

Scrd · 01/10/2024 06:41

I just have never felt so helpless. And I just have carried on talking to him as normal . Feel like i can’t suddenly accuse him of rape

You don’t need to accuse him of rape (which is what he did) - you can end the relationship giving no reason. I recommend you end the relationship, cut contact, get tested. I’ve been in court as a juror on a rape trial. Takes years to get to court, defence accuse you of all sorts, jurors say not enough proof. Angry

dairydebris · 01/10/2024 09:03

Text him and tell him never to contact you again. Tell him- you raped me. You are a rapist. I think he'll be excusing his disgusting behavior and won't be used to being called out directly like that.
Up to you whether or not you report it. I know we should, but it's up to you. But definitely, definitely let him know you know what he did and who he is. He is a disgusting rapist.

Cosycover · 01/10/2024 09:05

Text him. Lay out the facts of what happened and tell him he raped you.

Are you in contact still?

I'm very sorry this happened to you x