Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

Your gf may have had the coil and it may have failed. No contraception is 100%

Your gf getting pregnant was not at all convenient for her. Can you genuinely try to put yourself in her shoes? This man doesn't love.me or want to be with me but I don't want to have an abortion (men think abortion is the easy answer. It isn't. It and cause huge medical issues and horrific guilt for women) and then you think she kept it for money? Are you joking? You give her 1,000 a month. How much do you think her rent/mortgage is? Her bills? Nursery? Food/clothing/bday presents for parties he is invited to. Bed clothes, towels, toiletries for your son. You must be off your head if you think she did it for money. She gave up her freedom and financial stability to have this baby she can't just decide I think ill go out for dinner tonight/gym/cinema etc. Everything has to be planned and babysitters gotten. So she works mon-fri (eg) she pays for nursery and then has sat and Sunday off, so one week you have Tues weds off, kid is in Monday off Tuesday off Wednesday back thurs_fri routine all over the place.doesnt know if he's coming or.going. then you have the weekend off she has to give up her days with him? Or u have sat off and she already agreed 3 weeks ago to go.to a party. This is why kids need routine.

I do think you are trying to be a good dad. I think a very heartfelt apology again would go a long.way. but kids need to have routine and know what they are doing each day so your routine being all in the air is not conducive to helping your child be in a stable routine

I haven’t read every reply but all of the OP posts.

I feel there has been some awful stuff here in the past but OP seems to want to do the right thing now. Could you ask if she would accept, and then arrange for some form of mediation between you, so that you can hear her out, apologise (again), and both of you have the safety of a third party there with you? As you say, the most important person here is your son, and if you can both work together to co-parent he will benefit. Hopefully all of you can benefit, with time for her as well as time for each of you with the child.
Is it possible for you to request that your work accommodates your need for particular hours over a fortnight? Or some sort of flexible working, so that your son and his mum have consistency and you can be with him whenever it’s your time?

You say they are ‘Traditional’, but are more than pleased to suggest an abortion? Traditionally, it’s the dads who provide, but they advised you to be careful with providing?

Seems they are only traditional when they choose to be? On the other times they just aren’t very nice about your child’s mum.

Can’t possibly imagine why the mother of your son is very cautious about them collection your son… 🤔.

Sounds as if your ex is pretty strapped for cash. She did the CSA because she really needed the cash, but she has concerns about coparenting with you and probably even more about your parents. If you go on many threads on here, there are mothers who find their partner's mum a bit overbearing when they have a child, or have a grandparent who won't follow instructions on allergies, personal care, naps etc. so they refuse childcare from them. Your parents are pretty unlikely to suck it up and respect her parenting decisions, because they think they are better than her. Can't blame her for being wary.

And yet you expect her to be okay with your family - who never really liked her and gave you this kind of advice - picking up your son?? Wow.

What will they tell your son about his mother? About why he came to be?
Will they insinuate that she got pregnant to trap you? That he was conceived due to greed and deceit?

you did not care enough to get a paternity test for 6 months!! She was alone for the entire pregnancy and when the baby was born you finally had the chance to make it right… Did you do it? Nope. You simply did nothing. For half a year!!

And did you finally ask for the paternity test because you cared? Wanted to take responsibility? no.

You asked for the paternity test when it came to child maintenance. Which makes it look as if you simply wanted to get out off paying (whatever your intentions may have been).

I think you sound like you have the potential to be a good dad, by the way, OP. But at the moment, it's just potential - you don't seem to want to do the hard stuff, swallowing your pride, maybe changing working hours, sacrificing more money if needed, having a word with your parents....

Where I’m from being traditional means getting married and taking care of the mother and the baby. Or (at the very least) making sure that mother and baby are well taken care of.

But blaming the woman and doing your best to make the pregnancy and the rest of her life as difficult as humanly possible is fairly traditional as well, I suppose. How dare she sleep with our son? How dare she „let“ herself get impregnated by our completely faultless, innocent boy?

It’s plain old misogyny. And that is fairly traditional as well, I suppose…

Contraception fails. The coil is 99% reliable so 1 in 100 people who use an IUD will get pregnant in one year. You are responsible for protecting yourself against unwanted pregnancy.

My parents would have preferred me to have a baby in a marriage. They're disappointed in me

Thank you. I do, I can see from all the advice the job is going to be the massive hurdle. I can't change it overnight but I can start looking at options and planning because I'm in this for the long haul now

how did you get your name on the birth certificate ?

For what it's worth, my ex appears to be a really good mother. And I have thanked her for bringing our son into the world, told her she's doing a great job

I asked my ex about it after the dna test. She did agree to it but if she hadn't I could have applied to the court for it is my understanding

' She did agree to it

but if she hadn't I could have applied to the court for it is my understanding '

I am well aware of that, hence my asking.

Would you have applied to the Court if she had not agreed. ?

She invited my parents and I to my sons first birthday and she was fine with them then. So what's changed? I think it's just to make things awkward

I think that this is one of those times where you need to try and stop thinking badly of your ex because of how she behaved when you were together.

My guess is that your ex invited you and your parents because it’s the right thing to do and there were other people in attendance who could act as a buffer. It’s a couple of hours once a year.

I suspect that your ex doesn’t trust you as much as you don’t trust her. She may think that your mum collecting ds means that you are palming him off to her. After all, if you can’t pick up from nursery (which often finishes as late at 6pm/6:30pm), you’re not really spending time with him before bedtime. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t give you a chance but it’s going to take time for her to see that you’re serious about being in your son’s life. A mediation session would hopefully help keep things focused and allow you both to think about the other parent’s pov too.

I’ll add a slightly different perspective but with a different outcome. My ex was bit of a disaster, she would forget to pay parking fines and the like and what should have been some easy fixes turned in to CCJ’s! While her flakiness frustrated me, I was smitten, we were both smitten, but due to me bailing her out again and again, she moved back home, a 3 hour drive away, to recover financially and to stop being a burden on me (her words). We talked every day and met up a couple of weeks after she had settled in. She told me she was pregnant. I had mixed emotions, part of me was excited, part of me thought it wasn’t ideal timing. While I said the right things, she probably saw through some of it and realised I was a bit nervous.

after my 3 hour drive home, she spoke via text ( a very bad idea, a lot can be misconstrued) and became distant. I was ‘allowed’ to go to both scans and after pleading, one midwife appointment where I got to hear the heartbeat etc. I was working away at the time and she told me on the day, so had a 5 hour drive for a 30 min appointment of which she met me there and promptly left straight after throwing the quite sentimental gift I’d already bought on to her passenger seat. I arrived at our sons birth literally minutes after he was born (3 hour drive, left the minute her mum called at 3 am on a Sunday, fairly quick labour). I’d sent a text to friend and they’d arranged Air BnB for me for the week. I saw my son twice during that first week as she was always too busy for me to see him.

I used to drive 6 hours every Sunday without fail, it was hard but worth it. She refused to take money from me so I used to hide cash in her changing bag when she wasn’t looking and I even shopped myself to the CSA.

I eventually got him, she was tired and struggling and wanted me to take him so I did. I did a paternity test while I had him and that’s when the horror unfolded, he wasn’t mine. A paternity test is binary, it’s a yes or a no, it’s not ambiguous. While I never accused her of anything, part of me knew that her behaviour (she apparently met somewhen new 2 weeks after ‘our son’ was born….I don’t know anyone who goes out-out straight after having a child, but she did lots of things that made me feel a bit uncomfortable) was strange, hence why I was never completely as ease with it. She continually threatened me with the fact that if I’m not a good father and don’t do all the things a child needs, she’s stop me seeing him and was nasty all the time.

my only advice to you is that as a man who’s been through something a little bit similar, the important bit is that you ARE the father, a position that is quite enviable. You need to do whatever you can to make the most of it, perfect or not, you’re a father. A job can be changed and while having a career is important, you have no idea how privileged a position you are actually in. Anything she may or may not have done is irrelevant. I wish my ‘son’ was actually mine, you have the opportunity to actually see it through, don’t waste it, a job is not more important, how would your son feel knowing you chose a job over him? Speak to your employer, if you can’t work it out, find something more flexible.

@dadof195

We all disappoint our parents at some point. Just because your parents are disappointed, doesn't mean someone (your ex, because they didn't want to blame you) is necessarily to blame, or that what happened will turn out to be a mistake. If you'd had a child in marriage you might have split, who knows?!

Maybe you stepping up will provide the mental shift they need.

Lol £1000 a month!!! Wow I pay more than that for my horses!!! Kids cost way more than £250 a week!!! Unless your son does not need a house, heat, electric etc?

I think you've been a bit rubbish but you accept that which is a good thing. I'm honestly baffled how so many can't understand why some jobs can't be flexible to leave before 3 for school pick up times. Open your minds guys, not all jobs are office jobs.

But if your new job is 9-5 how do you do school pick up?

I know children cost money. I know my exes costs will have gone up. She did already have her own house of adequate size, she will start getting some funded hrs from nursery at some point too I believe so that bill will come down and there will be more left over from the maintenance. As I said previously I also bought my son all new things for her house, have also kitted myself out so I can look after him,I wouldn't let him go without

I am trying to step up. My parents are good people. We might have got it wrong at the time, but am trying to make up for it now

Before and after school clubs or a childminder, I assume.

The child is not yet two - he is in nursery, which usually means 8-6 or similar.

I’d be hugely disappointed in our son is he was incapable of using condoms, abandoned a pregnant ex, chose not to be financially responsible for his child from birth and had the audacity to think any woman would have a baby and risk her life for a bit of cash from someone who is so incredibly immature they can’t work out that regular set days are in the best interest of a child.