Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

She sounds very generous spirited that despite you and your family's initial hostility she still includes you in your son's birthday celebrations.

It might be awkwardness, or it might be because baby doesn't have a relationship with them yet, or just because she wants to know if YOU will step up, not just palm it off on your mum. Ungenerous, perhaps, but you have been giving Disney/deadbeat dad vibes

Are they collecting from nursery or from
her house?

And gritting your teeth through a two hour party where all the focus is on Baby‘s First Cake is different to week in/week out.

it's all very convenient for my ex

How is it convenient? Do clarify.

Collecting from her house. My parents haven't apologised outright but they've been trying to be good grandparents and taking an interest in him, buying things, my mum even offered childcare while ex works but she's said no to that.

It was a shock to be in a relationship where I thought my gf had a coil, then to find out she was pregnant and keeping the baby without any discussion. Let's be real it's the nightmare of most men!

Is there a way to set this up so they don’t have to collect from her house eg they pick him up from nursery on a Wed if you are working and you collect him from their house when your shift finishes, and either you or they drop him off at nursery in the morning?

That is a shock, yes. But why “convenient”?

Sorry I need to add that that's what I thought at the time. My intial thoughts. I have a better understanding now and I'm trying to gain more. I understand now my ex had to have terrible maternity pay and take that time out, I see what you are all saying about her career prospects and caring for our child. I'm paying for my son now and I plan to provide for him, that's not changing. I just want to be a more active part in his life and I can see work is a barrier

You need to speak to her. If she won't speak with you wrote her a letter. Tell her you are sorry. Tell her you love your son and you want what's best for him. Tell her you are asking for a bit of flexibility so they you two can have a stronger bond. Tell her that it's in his best interest to have two sets of grandparents who know him well enough to look after him. Tell her that you understand she is angry with you and that's fine but can she separate that from what's best for the baby? Tell her that you guys are tied together for the rest of your lives via your son and it's so much better for him if you can work together to build a hood life for him. You need to talk to her. I don't think you did anything wrong by questioning paternity btw. Your mistake was not getting paternity tested as soon as he was born. Of course she needed the money and support. That was stupid.

@SheilaFentiman because at the time it appeared to me that I was misled about contraception and that she got pregnant intentionally

Then use a fucking condom!

The fact you don't understand that she should've have HAD to ask is horrific.

Your next step is definitely working out how you can make contact on set days work. Whether that's asking for flexibility at work or changing your job.

Men can and should use their own contraception - did you not know? You did not want a child but when one came along it wasn't anything to do with you - it was her fault?

Hmm - you’ve over egged the cake here.

If you are such an amazing catch and meal ticket then why would she be cheating on you?

Or if she was happily cheating on you with her sexy boss then why would she want to get pregnant by you?

Basically you made a decision not to use contraception and that ended badly and rather than say “shit I fucked up here - oh well - better get on with it” you and your parents decided to try and shift all the blame onto your ex. (“It’s not my baby!” “Even if it is, she did it on purpose!” “Quite right my little lamb - any woman would want your baby - it is all her fault my little prince!”)

I do find it really confusing in general that men are so willing to leave contraception up to women. You say yourself - it is every man’s worst nightmare - but your odds of avoiding this terrible nightmare are reduced to less than 2% of their original figure by something that costs about a quid! Why do so many men leaves their lives up to chance and reliance on someone else to (1) reliable (2) lucky and (3) honest.

For what it is worth I have been with Dh for over 25 years. For most of that time we have used two forms of contraception. We are right now - even though our ages are such that if we actually wanted a baby our odds would be low. The only times we haven’t used two forms is when either I was pregnant, we were trying for a baby or when we weren’t technically trying for a baby but if one had come along then we would have been pretty content about it.

It makes no sense to me at all that a man would ever have sex without a condom unless he is hoping for a baby.

Oh don't be ridiculous. Her contraception failed, as is sometimes the case. Anyone who ever sat through year 7 sex education knows that. Where was your contraception? It's your responsibility too. Don't sleep with someone you aren't prepared to raise children with.

If she doesn't want to deal with your rude family that's her right. As for convenience, it's about time something was convenient for her!

Time to be a man and step the fuck up. Stop squabbling and tit for tat. Just stop whinging and raise your child.

You had a rocky relationship. She had to make a decision about whether she could do it alone because the rocky relationship meant that she couldn’t assume that you’d be there with her. If the relationship was more stable then she may have talked more with you but I totally understand why she didn’t. At the end of the day her body, her choice.

You say that your parents are traditional. Traditional people usually don’t believe in abortion.

I can't help raise my child if she won't let me

' I do earn very well compared to her, I did think money might be a motivation for keeping the baby '

Nobody keeps a baby just to receive maintenance !!!
a baby is a life long commitment !

Bloody hell OP.

Have you ever thanked your ex for bringing your son into the world? Have your parents? Any of you ever sent her flowers or a card to express this?

Why not start there? Then apologise - all of you. And tell her how grateful you are that she does what she does.

Maybe if they make the effort to do this she will see them as good people to be in DS life and feel more sure of them as people.

At the moment why would she want her son to be with people who might be slagging her off? Saying she trapped you etc. You all need to grow up regarding that. You didn’t take enough responsibility with contraception because you didn’t want to wear condoms. That was on you. And from that point on you don’t get to demand discussions about terminations.

You still insinuate you were trapped. And that she went ahead because you have money. And yet she still waited 6 months to claim any. My guess she was struggling and only did it because she wants the best for DC.

Lots of good advice and necessarily harsh explanations etc on here OP. Hope it’s helped.

Really? Would you have? The father who doubted paternity? And yet didn’t care enough to actually ask for a paternity test?

she probably didn’t feel like you cared or were particularly willing to compromise.

anyhow, being a parent means sacrifice. So if you want to be this child’s father, you’ll need to suck it up and ask your employer for a fixed day off. Or get a new job.

I know that things ended badly but could you ask her if she’d be willing to sit down and discuss things in a mediation session paid for by you ? if you can’t sit together in a room then you can request shuttle mediation where the two of you sit in different rooms and the mediator goes between you.

All you need to do is grow up and stick to a schedule. You know, like she has for the last 2 years.

OP, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. So let's just run through a few things - it appears you are NOW paying a relatively decent amount, although of course, all of us know perfectly well that if you'r £1000 covers half of childcare (£750), the measly additional £250 a month you're paying is a drop in the ocean. As a single parent of a toddler, she'll still need a 2 bedroom home, probably her biggest expense. Then of course food, clothes, nappies etc. And that's before you consider the cost of general entertainment and just being out and about. So, if you are a properly high earner and can afford more than the CSA amount, I'd consider that.

You also totally stuffed up by not paying from the start and your plaintive, "she didn't ask" is a load of bollocks. You don't have to be a genius to know that having a baby takes money from day 1 - from the equipment you need, to changed living arrangements etc. And it's a lot harder when you're a single parent doing it all alone - no one to take over at night or give you a helping hand. So it's not surprising she's got a great deal of resentment.

Re times - if you agree set days and contact time, she can hate that you send your parents to collect him, but she doesn't actually get to complain. Just like you don't get to complain if she leaves him with her mum for an afternoon or whatever. But, and I can't emphasise this enough, you lose all of the moral high ground if you are not reliable and consistent. So either agree to always give her your shifts a full month ahead so she can plan accordingly, or, if you're doing some other version, ensure that you are 100% sticking to that, even if it is your mother picking him up. But you don't then get to ask for extra time and expect her to drop everything to provide it.

Also, be completely honest here please, when he's with you (or your parents) does she have complaints about his care? I've lost track of the number of women on MN and in RL who complain that when their children are with their ex they come back having eaten McDonalds every day, not brushed their teeth or hair, gone to bed so late, no clean clothes so the resident parent (mum) is now dealing wiht over tired children, ALWAYS has to be the one insisting on vegetables, has a huge pile of laundry etc.