Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

@SheilaFentiman ah yes that makes sense

The coil can cause a pregnancy to be higher risk, there is a risk of miscarriage if its removed, there’s a continued risk of miscarriage and rupturing the uterus if it isn’t removed.

As a lone parent who continued to work after maternity leave, I can tell you that finding good childcare that works around your job is very difficult. Everything in my life was timed to precision and I lived on a very clear schedule to balance work/ child responsibilities. Any time my son was sick it would cost me a full days wage but I would still pay childcare and if anyone had tried to ask me to change my schedule to suit them it would have been a No too.

Your ex-partner appears to be responsible for managing everything in your child's life while you come online and bitch about her not tying herself in knots to accommodate your random schedule so you can play Disney dad to your liking.

Here’s my recommendation:
Grow up
Use condoms

As DH and I spent a fortune buying car seat, pram, crib etc BEFORE our children were born, I'm not sure someone rushing out to buy all new ones for a 6 month old was that helpful, even if it was meant with good intentions.

Until now, when you've said you would turn up, have you always done so, on time etc? And returned DC at the right time? Did you regularly change days or timings at short notice?

Why did y buy pram and car seats and things for her house??? Surely, she had these things ??? I'm confused with some of the things that u say. You thought she was using you as a meal ticket? But you pay only £1000 a month?? How excited do u think she was gonna be about that amount?? Your not exactly a high earner if that's what u are contributing!! Jeez, I've just paid nearly what u pay her a week on my dog's food and play park sessions!

OP does your ex have any other children?
This sounds remarkably like something that happened to my friend (IE your ex) 😐

And even if it's not my friend, she went through something remarkably similar to your ex and I have to say it's the worst thing you could have done to her at such a vulnerable time, to abandon her completely and leave her to fend for herself. She was also 'blamed' for inadequate contraception, but as many posters have rightly said on here, if you want a shag, then it's your responsibility to cover up! But you don't like doing that, so you think it's fine to blame the woman when the contraceptive she is using fails. Cover up or deal with the consequences. Stop blaming your ex for your own stupid mistakes.

And stop sending your parents round to her place. She doesn't want them there. Either you collect or nobody does. You keep saying you want to step up and be a father, well collecting and dropping off your own child is the only way to show that you're behaving like a grown up and not putting her in an awkward position where she's having to play happy families with people who clearly think she's nothing more than a dirty slapper. But you seem to think that without any sincere apologies from your parents she should "move forward".

I feel really sorry for your ex.

Just to add, if she's making your life "awkward" now, then perhaps you shouldn't have made hers so awkward for the first year?

It's called karma. Deal with it and play by her rules. Seems to me you don't like not being in control. Well tough luck.

@Littleorangeflowers

Those two things are the same
Er no they are not.
Breaking up a month AFTER she told him is not the same as already being split up when she told him.

@Littleorangeflowers oops. My bad.

And women are desperate to share parenthood with an ex who accuses her of cheating and doesn’t pay maintenance until he hears from CSA? Yeah right.

There’s nothing “convenient” for her. It’s hard graft and exhaustion and lack of support.

It might be your nightmare, but you didn’t go through a challenging pregnancy. You didn’t take care of contraception yourself.

Coils fail. It happens. Choosing to end a pregnancy is something out of the question for many women. You sound like you’re blaming your ex when you did nothing to prevent a pregnancy yourself.

Can’t you hear how tone deaf you are being?

@dadof195

Of course. If you can accept that your parents made a mistake but are good people, then you need to ensure that you are willing to give the same latitude to your ex - ultimately, she is trying to protect her child. From here, you need to be generous in spirit if you want a good coparenting relationship. Wishing you luck!

@Nickyknockynoo it's not similar though is it, because yours is about an ex that did cheat on you and did try to pass a baby off as yours even though it wasn't.

The op's ex was accused/suspected of these things but had done no such thing.

I think you've acted poorly but are trying to make amends now but some of what you're saying is pointless. The bit about once you realised you were the father, you went out and bought everything - well he was already at least six months old at this point so chances are your ex already had everything by that point.

I think the problem, which I see a lot, is that men are so used to women being the flexible ones, that when they aren't or can't be, it's seen as being obstructive. When actually they're just not bending over backwards to facilitate your parenting.

I would imagine the reason she's not keen on you having a different day each week is because nurseries aren't that flexible and it would mean her having to pay for childcare that isn't being used.

Ultimately you have two options you can go down the legal route and force her hand or you can try and keep an open conversation going. Obviously the latter is better for your child. She had to wait a 15 months presumably (pregnancy + son's first 6 months) for you to step up and want to be a good dad so I think now it's your time to be patient and keep showing her that you're in this for the long run.

What I do know is this; I love my kids a lot, but if their father had made me endure pregnancy on my own - a time when you feel at your most vulnerable, asked me to abort them, suspected me of cheating, denied paternity, suspected me of only having kids for the money and then not given me any money during the time of parenthood that you're earning the least amount of money then, even though I know it would be best for the kids, I would find it incredibly hard to show any good will. I'd try but it would definitely be difficult especially if I had to make adjustments to plans just to allow him to be present.

Tl:dr - be patient and keep an open conversation going.

It just gets worse and worse. This all boils down to them being mad she wouldn’t do as she was told and have an abortion.

OP there will come a day when you are expecting a second baby, and when you realize how your wife would feel if your parents started telling her to terminate, it will suddenly dawn on you what they have done. But also what you have done.

The difficulty is that you think she owes you something, when you have upended her life, and are pretty blasé about that.

I don’t for one second believe you thought he isn’t yours. I think you used that as a tired old trope in the hope she would have an abortion. In other words… you’re just like your parents expecting a woman to do what you tell her, and having to be dragged into doing the right thing. That shows your character, and it shows your parents character.

As does the “I apologised, so what’s her problem” story. The reality is you haven’t really apologised because you don’t really understand what you’ve done. If you go back through just your own posts and list the things you’ve done which required an apology it is a long list. The real difficulty of course is that you keep doing more of the same stuff. You expect to be able to make her life difficult so that you can look like the good guy, and also expect it not to mentioned as being difficult.

Not being someone who has walked away completely doesn’t make you some sort of hero. You are no hero, you are no prince, and while you’re still listening to your Mammy, it cannot even be said that your man.

I was thinking the same
I had to chase my deadbeat ex via cms and there was absolutely no backdating
It's from the date you apply

Your child support does not even cover child care. You say that you don’t want to have to leave your job as it is well paid. How do you think being responsible for all the child care has affected your ex’s earning potential? Even if you were paying half of the associated costs of this child, which you are not, it still would not be fair, as you are not having to make any sacrifices to the type of job you can take on.

Stop doing the bare minimum you are required to do legally (which is never fair) and start trying to take on half the actual responsibility and costs, and you might get somewhere.

This thread is a real insight into the porkie pies men tell themselves!

Because this prince of an OP means that it was backdated to when the claim was made by the mother and denied by the father (at 6 months) rather than coming into place when, say, the DNA testing was completed some time afterwards.

I fully accept I treated my ex badly, I've owned up to that in my first post. What I'm asking for is ways to fix this as best I can, at end of day we have a child together now and I want to be in his life as much as I can

But you have been told those ways:

1. Pay her the CSA for the 6 months that you missed
2. Don’t involve your family in picking your child up from her, unless and until they have apologised to her and she has accepted it
3. Sort your work out in some way that you can make a regular commitment to looking after your toddler.

Yeah, this.

I'd add:

Ensure you are completely and totally reliable, at all times, and that you are looking after your DC to a level that is at least equal to how she looks after him. No drifing in and out, changing days at short notice, needing her to send nappies with him when he's coming to yours etc.

Consider a lump payment to help her with any larger purchase and/or increasing payments to cover additional childcare costs (at the very least, if you want to have your DC on a day she has organised and paid for childcare, reimburse her for that childcare.)

Ask your parents to put effort into making amends.

Kids cost money, she's not gaining financially by this, she still has the other of nursery fees to cover on a much smaller wage . You have some pretty horrible ideas about your ex, you're tied together for life now, might be time to let these go. I don't blame her for not wanting to be flexible after the way you've thought about her and acted towards her. If you want to be an involved father yes you need to change your job. Those barriers you're blaming her for throwing up are actually just part of life, she has to work to, flexibility and not knowing where they're going to be when isn't good for children. You having someone else have him on your time, will mean you're not a reliable presence in his life and an involved father. She has a lot to deal with and you are still blaming her in your mind, time to grow up and take responsibility for your choices. It ones thing being an involved father with this sort of job if you live together, but it's not possible if you don't live together. You're asking two people, your ex and your child, to bend their lives around your work, that's not putting your child first and yes it is unreasonable to expect your ex who does the vast majority of everything for your child and also works to bend her life around your work. You want to be an involved dad find a job that allows you regular overnight contact with you child. Be involved, do the school run when he grows up, be there for breakfast and dinner and homework, make yourself part of his life, don't be the 'dad' that resentfully fits your child around your work.

Then be in his life instead of trying to palm your responsibilities off on your mum. You had a child together. She didn't have a child with your parents. Once you've got the child then who you palm them off on us your business. She can't dictate how you "parent" or who you see on your time but i wouldn't give up contact time knowing that my child was consistently not going to be spending time with their other parent. I would question if you want to see your child or if you are just trying to limit your financial responsibilities without taking on any physical responsibilities or building a loving relationship with your child. You haven't covered yourself in glory during this situation. I'd be very cynical and question your intentions. I would also expect you to SLOWLY build up contact because that's in your child's best interest. I actually don't think your really in a position to make demands.

@dadof195

The other thing that it occurs to me that you don't fully understand is the effect on your son of not being able to give him a routine.

It will be a lot easier, long term, for everyone if eg, son goes to dad's after school on Tuesday and after football etc on Saturday etc. The worst is trying to explain to a child that daddy cannot make it and will see them "later in the week" (very young kids do not understand what this means). Kids who are confused and angry also lash out "I don't want you, want daddy".

Your ex will be doing loads of work for you to build your son up to spend time with dad - he might want to be with mum, especially if he is ill or unsettled, but she will be reassuring him that it will be good at yours. She will be working hard to be positive about you - like inviting you to the birthday party. She is doing this for your son's welfare and self esteem. But she will know that an unreliable parent can be more destructive than an absent one.

I'm not trying to avoid financial responsibilities, I'll be providing for my son. I could give my ex 6k but I think she'd still be behaving the way she does. For example I'm off for a few days now and I have asked if I could collect my son from nursery and have him but she says no because of routine. And as for spending time with my family surely that's good for him too?