Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

You owe her an apology. Pregnancy is a very vulnerable and anxious time without the father basically saying he isn't interested and to kill it.

Because that is what it comes down to. Look at your child and remember you told his mother you thought she should end his life before it even began. When she quite reasonably refused, you behaved like an absolute arse to her. You left her to cope alone, accused her of cheating, didn't offer to support the baby that you created and now you have the bloody nerve to ask HER to be flexible around YOUR life.

Have you actually read that back to yourself? Do you realise how unreasonable that is? You are a father. You accepted that outcome when you chose to have sex with her. It's always a risk.

You are now a parent and to be a good father you need a good relationship with his mother. You were in the wrong. You behaved badly. Stop asking her for things. All you've said is But. I did this BUT I want to be a good dad. I handled it badly BUT I want to move forward.

'I'm sorry but...' is not an apology. Apologise to her for your behaviour and attitude without using the word 'But,' without using the phrase 'can we just.' Just apologise. 'I behaved badly. I made it harder for you. I'm sorry. I needed to grow up and I do want to bring up my son.'

Kids don't fit around their parents lives. Welcome to fatherhood. The next 18 years, your wants come second or not at all. You have to look at what your son needs then fit your other commitments around him. If you have to change jobs, so be it. Your ex partners world has already been turned upside down. You have to bend a little too.

Your most important commitment is him. You make nice with your ex because its important to model healthy relationships for your child. You never slag her off in front of your child because the way you treat her now is what you teach your son to accept and expect from his own relationships. You are modelling how a man behaves. Never weaponise your child.

My mum and dad hated each other. I didn't know this until I was an adult, they never let on. They did parents evening, dad came round Christmas morning for a couple of hours and they got along for my sake. That's the aim. Effective coparenting. Respect. You don't criticise each other or create conflict. It doesn't help anything.

Court should be a last resort. It will create bad feeling and conflict with his mother. If you can, attempt to resolve it peacefully. Yes your ex is going to be angry and bitter and make it hard work for you. It's no less than you did to her.

Edited as for some reason I had it in my head the baby was a girl.

You are a father for life. Could you look at changing job so you have more regular hours? I would avoid court if possible, pay all outstanding cms from the birth of your child and work hard on proving your reliability as a father to your ex.You may find that with time comes trust.

Ok yes I'm not entirely sure what's happening. It's certainly a juggle anyway. If the mum feels it's disruptive to the baby too - under two is really still a baby - then I think OP would do well to listen to that. We don't know the relationship between grandparents and baby / grandparents and mum.

And @Delphiniumandlupins I see what you mean too.

It's really hard, particularly shift work too. ultimately it is important if possible and if that dad isn't a safety concern, that a child spends time with him. Even a little bit. OP can you take little one to the park once or twice or three times a week? As I said he's only little. Cover sickness for her if it helps. Things will change as he gets older.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant.

I genuinely wasn't sure if the baby was mine initially. We were already split up when she told me.

🤨
Someone is telling porkie pies.

And honestly I would avoid court. Reassure her you're not going to court over this but that you want baby to have access to his Dad.

Make sure you actually have a conversation with your job before you quit. I appreciate that there are some jobs with no flexibility but I know lots of shift workers who have a fixed weekday off a week, usually by working 0.8 time. If your job is that much better paid than other work you could get, dropping to 80% might be worth considering, and you could pick up overtime on your free day. If you have your son for a fixed weekday that would also save on childcare costs too.

Those two things are the same

I didn't want to mention this because I'm not here to slate my ex but she told me she was on contraception, had a coil in fact, I still don't know how that magically disappeared and she became pregnant. Haven't mentioned this because I know I'm responsible for my own contraception too and I wasn't, I own that now, but it's all very convenient for my ex and part of the reason my parents are and we're very unhappy about it all

Tbf, you can get pg on the coil. Even if it still in place.
It’s like any contraception. It’s never 100%. Hence the best agd braces approach of you really don’t want a child
(or better a vasectomy)

But it doesn’t mean she had it removed, never had a coil or whatever other scenario where you’ve been fooled.

FFS you lot give the guy a bit of a break. He's acknowledged he's made mistakes and apologised, he's paid up and is paying lots more maintenance than most dead beats we read about on here and is trying really hard to have a good relationship with his child and a decent, civil relationship with his ex.
He's asking for advice on how to move forward and all you are doing is berating him over and over and telling him to change his job because his ex says he has to have custody on fixed days and won't let anyone else pick said child up.
She's the one being awkward about it. As a PP said a court won't stipulate fixed days (shift workers etc.) and there is no reason at all that OP's parents can't pick child up from nursery and provide tea if eg. he is not going to be home til later. It is not for her to lay down the rules on his days and no doubt her parents do it on her days.
I understand that ex is probably still feeling pissed off and not inclined to play ball but that's on her and for the child's sake she needs to move on.
Mediation is the only way to go here @dadof195 and point out that if you have to take a more flexible job with lower pay then the maintenance reduces. She may be happy with that, who knows.
Court is the next step but I think you have to have tried mediation first.
Good luck with your discussions OP and I hope that both you and your ex (having made the decision to bring a child into the world) can work together going forward for the benefit of the child.

Is the the counter to the other thread that is up though? As that scenario was mum had been flexible giving up her weekends to the dad as he had to work, then on his 'usual' weekend he had to work but still wanted his family members to collect the child and the mum wanted to keep him for that weekend as she'd given up two of her usual ones. She wouldn't spent 3 weekends in a row with the child otherwise, is this the same scenario or is this a totally different dad with very close similarities?

This. What a post. Absolutely nails it.

I'm not sure what you mean. We weren't together when she told me she was pregnant. It was about 4 weeks after we broke up. We hadn't spoken that whole time, and yes I know how conception works, but what I have said here is that the relationship was rocky prior to it ending and I already had cheating concerns

I’d say it starts by having a (strong) relationship with the child.
In the best works, a 50/50 arrangement - even though I thin’ the child is too young for that still.

My dad wouldn’t have been born if the coil worked, I know this because my Nan told everyone about it frequently!

I live close to my ex, my ex has never been flexible in offering to change days she just says no if I can't collect

Your super traditional parents couldn't understand why someone wouldn't want an abortion?

So they're traditional when it suits.

@dadof195

Can you pick your son up from nursery on a fixed night? Ie if you do shifts, can you end at a nursery appropriate time? What do women who do your job do? Rather than waiting for a "free" day, you could do two nursery pick ups a week and do dinner etc. you don't say what your ex does. How far in advance can you offer certainty to her?

You've been a shit and it's good that you realise that. I do think that you need to examine your parents' "traditional" attitudes (which clearly have influenced your own), because this is usually code for regressive, sexist and misogynistic. You've been defending this attitude on this thread - even people who you love can behave appallingly and need taking in hand a bit. Grow up. They are 100% in the wrong and if it was my son, I'd have been trying to build bridges with the mother of my grandchild even if he wouldn't. This is what good people do for the sake of a child.

You honestly thought that a woman kept a baby as a "meal ticket"? What a creepy and sexist thing to think. Your ex has had to cope with her whole life changing, her work prospects potentially being materially worse (for much of the rest of her working life), her relationship prospects being worse (bet you are not queuing up for a single mum - no, because it would appall your "traditional" parents), perhaps even long term effects on her body, but apparently the £1k a month she gets from you is a princely sum and anything more would prevent you from investing for your future (bet she has no investments!). Would you do all that for £1k a month?

Do you have any idea what it is like to be a woman who gets pregnant in her fertile years and has no idea whether she will be pregnant again? To be filled with hormones that encourage you to keep the baby? Some women have abortions and feel nothing, some feel sad but pragmatic and some are absolutely devastated - it's really appalling that you would assume it is just a nothing to "get rid". Your parents did call her a gold digger and you are still defending them as "traditional" (I bet they are also traditional enough to criticise women who run out of road to have kids because they are focusing on their careers or who get strung along by a series of shitty men, women who work a lot and struggle to spend time with their kids - women can never win with people like your parents). You don't say how old your ex is - if she is over 30 she would have been feeling a degree of pressure that you, as a man, cannot understand.

And then you failed to enquire about the welfare your own baby after birth until she made a CSA claim (and maybe just hoped your ex and baby would just disappear?).

I think you really need to reflect on this and understand your attitudes to women - it will serve you well in future relationships. Before you start a relationship with another woman and make this woman the "crazy ex" when you try to impress her, which will damage your relationship with your ex and your son further.

Ok.
Reads like,jamp in ocean,didn't wanna get wet.Rejected,denied, queried responsibility/accountability. kept go back for a wee paddle.
THAT is not unusual..unless she's made or iron,sgonna hurt.
Showed up, vaguely,non committal tho so ..no surprise she went csa.
Aye, it wasni your plan, she left door open tho.kinda man/dad dares to expect ANYTHING far less civil convo re £s. ..if she told you needed £ coulda bin sorted.
Aye
If you had even an inkling this your child you oughta step up,shite as it is, the wrong guy contribute/support til DNA done ALWAYS reads better if the fella bin led up garden path.
That's not fair BUT I never wrote the rules.
Aw to my maintenance covers half fees,"my half"...your lucky you still got a look in. You DO NOT have a half.
The babe,how old now? Has two parents, ALWAYS did, but ..can't have bin great for mum get question mark re paternity,on her own(yup,choice,disni means easy), half assed semi curious non committal father.
Csa no surprise. Run your doubts past them.
Realistically, you can say sorry til yer blue in the face. Words aren't actions.
Fairy nuf, unplanned,not in your future plans, there's some grace you've finally hit the plate.
Only way you gonna amicably move forward is accepting and ensuring, ALL is child focused.
How (un)likely is alt employment? Are ex n parents on good terms? Parents happy to have set day/times to see grandson.? Perhaps if reassured collectively (family)will bend n shape to fit in with her life(IE set days may be essential for work?) be more open/flexible re vary your days.
NO mumma wants a heap of she said/he said, grudged accountability,painted black for secure financial stability n called awkward cos dizni fit in your box.

You have had a hard time in here but then again it's MUMS net where so many women have been fucked over from flakey fathers of their children.

I believe you are genuinely sorry .

About the job .. it depends. If it is a profession that you have trained for - for example emergency services /doctor/nurse etc which are all 24/7 shift patterns AND changing jobs would mean a lower salary and lower CM then absolutely DO NOT change your job !!

Apply to the court. (£235) you don't need a solicitor just complete the C100 on HMCTS . They will ask you to attend mediation with your ex. If she refuses then the next step is court. Ideally you hammer something out in mediation but ultimately if she refuses then a judge will decide in court .

There is absolutely NO REASON that your parents cannot pick up. What your son does and with who he does it in YOUR TIME is your business.

Get the court process moving . The entire thing needs to be in your sons best interests - and having two committed parents and an extended family involved IS in his best interests.

And yes, you can get pregnant on the coil

It's a story as old as time. S told D she was in the pill. They had sex. Baby was born. S hopes D would marry her, hence the pregnancy. Couple split. Baby in and out of care. Has a terrible time. Men, always use contraception no matter what she says unless 100% want a baby.

That baby was me.

edited to add - being a single mum with a less than stellar dad is NOT convenient for a woman 🙄

I didn't just leave her to it in the oregnancy, I still tried to be there and went to most scans when she would allow. I think it was a higher risk pregnancy and she had quite a few scans for growth

And the not allowing my parents to collect. I understand what you are all saying like I said I don't expect her to be besties with them. But it's a bit of a red herring. She invited my parents and I to my sons first birthday and she was fine with them then. So what's changed? I think it's just to make things awkward

So odd that you went to scans with her but didn't try to get a DNA test and step up as a father. What a cheapskate!