Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

Are you trolling us all OP?

Your parents should have kicked your arse if you were having sex with someone you all deem ‘unsuitable’ for your family, without taking responsibility by wearing a condom. What they should not have done is blame her. What they also should have done is make you take responsibility like a grown up. Jesus on a bike.

I mean did you let her in on this information? That she wasn’t good enough for you except for having sex with?

From your updates it sounds like the poor child is better off as far away from your parents as possible.

As for her not asking for money, why would she need to ask? Do you think dads only need to finance their own child/rens upbringing when someone else asks them too? Do you think she spent £0 on her child until someone told her she actually had to contribute to their upbringing?

Why would she order a paternity test, she already knew who the dad was.

I really can’t get past the whole ‘she didn’t take my views into consideration/I was cut out of the decision’. You had a decision to make when it came to contraception and I’m guessing you weren’t using condoms 🙄 It’s not just the woman’s responsibility

I wouldn’t be unhappy if he chose to have a bay with someone during a short relationship, I would be unhappy if he deemed someone unsuited to him yet used them for sex, I would also be unhappy if he didn’t want to have a baby yet decided contraception wasn’t his responsibility. I’d be telling him he shouldn’t be using anyone for sex and he should be using contraception.

I can’t get over how, after months of going along to scans and then 6 months of visiting your child, you requested the paternity test only when you were asked for a financial contribution.

You say you didn’t want your parents to get attached before you knew the child was yours, but when you rocked up to visit, did she say “here’s Dave to see you” or “here’s Daddy to see you”

She may have concluded, from your actions, that you accepted paternity.

I accept I should have worn a condom but I won't be the first or last man in a relationship that doesn't, I guess I trusted her on the contraception side. There were lots of reasons why the relationship ended, unsuitable isn't the best way to put it but I guess everyone is looking for something, I thought my ex was amazing when I met her but after some time some of the values and ambition we weren't on the same page. I will admit my parents have high expectations of me as well and of a partner for me. That's why most people date isn't it, to see if it works, is right, this wasn't- it doesn't make me a bad person?

Precisely no one has said you are a bad person for breaking up with her.

@SheilaFentiman @DaniMontyRae @Catoo have all hit the nail on the head - when she was pregnant and you were accusing her of cheating, of being moneygrabbing, demanding she had an abortion..... she <gasp> told people about it rather than pretending that everything was fine.

And I ask AGAIN: this time off this week - when did you let her know you wanted to see him? And, ALSO AGAIN, how will this work? Where will he sleep? Will his routine be disrupted? Do you bring him back late? What do you feed him? Is there a chance (more and more likely based on your answers on this thread) that she doesn't want you swooping in for fun daddy time at short notice, on a weekday, because he'll be over excited, over stimulated, underfed and over tired?

But you are still blaming her for getting pregnant. That you trusted her on the contraceptive side. No contraceptive is 100% , you are an adult and should know that!

It's truly f*cking astounding how clueless men are surrounding contraception! Contraception is not 100% foolproof! I was using 2 methods of contraception when I got pregnant with my Daughter. And your ex 100% couldn't have gotten pregnant without you there. You provided the swimmers!

OP, sounds as if you've got a massive amount of growing up to do! And figuring out how to actually be a real parent. Thank goodness your Son has his Mum. She is prioritising the baby's needs for routine and stability.

Your family sounds vile and they've been horrible to her.

This may be blunt but I'm trying to take responsibility now. My ex surely has some responsibility too, she choose this situation not me? I was honest from the beginning that this wasn't my choice. So she knew she'd likely be alone, without support and doing most of the caring herself? That's the truth. Regardless as I've said I've made this thread to get advice about how I can try and better support now and be an active parent. Thanks for all those who've given useful advice

Sure, it sounds like she did expect to be doing it alone. And so she asked for the financial contribution from CSA, which you were legally obligated to provide. But if you'd just paid up monthly and not been involved, she probably would have got on with it.

But now you're the one changing the goal posts - now suddenly you want to be involved, and you expect her to bend over backwards to accommodate your preferences on time with your DS. Is she supposed to be grateeful because you want to swan in at short notice to take your ds for a few hours after nursery then return him whenever you feel like it so that she can deal with the supper, bath, bedtime routine!?

You say you want to be an active parent but you still refuse to answer if you have even the vagueest idea of his routines etc

Then you are not the first or last man who found himself in the situation where his partner is pregnant and now it is up to her whether she has a baby or not. You aren’t special. This situation wasn’t unique just because you are involved.

You still imply she wasn’t trustworthy. Yet if the coil failed how is it her fault? She took responsibility. You didn’t. So actually it is more your fault.

It definitely does seem like there is a big difference in values between your family and your ex gf.

Hopefully your son will grow up embracing more values from his mum. A woman who bravely went it alone to bring him into the world. Who resisted pressure to terminate because a baby with someone like her didn't suit the paternal family, didn’t fit in with their traditional views. Because the father thought he was too good, too special to have to take responsibility and prevent pregnancies.

A woman who despite the accusations and lack of support, welcomed you to be part of her son’s life for 6 months while you still contributed nothing financially. A woman who has done all of the baby days, weeks, and months.

A woman who you owe an immense debt of gratitude to that you probably will never be able to repay.

And with your attitude, you won’t get close to paying.

If you are serious about having regular contact with your child, you may need to change your job.

Ummm - your ex is taking responsibility! Total responsibility. Every morning she gets your child up and dressed and fed. She plays with him and makes him laugh. She takes him to nursery. She goes to work and if she gets a phone call saying he is ill she leaves her work to get him. She leaves work and immediately goes to get him. She takes him home and baths him and feeds him and plays with him. She puts him to bed and then goes up over and over in the evenings if he cries. She gets up with him in the night. Maybe many many times. She changes all his nappies. She makes all the hard decisions.

Every single thing she does is about him. She doesn’t leave the house without him.

That is taking responsibility.

Oh - you mean she should take responsibility for making things easy for you?

You weren't cut out of any decision. You decided to roll the dice with contraception. What did they think of their son not taking responsibility with contraception?

Oh ffs, you are still blaming her. You "trusted her" when it came to contraception is still you blaming her for the fact that I. You chose not to use a condom even knowing you didn't want a child and 2. That her contraception choice failed. It is well known that contraception is not 100% effective, you still decided to take the risk of having sex, having sex without a condom and, ejaculating inside of her.

She didn't break your trust or whatever pathetic narrative you tell yourself to absolve you of your behaviour. She took far more responsibility for preventing pregnancy than you did. She took far greater risk too as female contraceptives have side effects and potentially long term consequences which condoms just don't.

You're all assuming it failed. When no one actually knows for sure. She could have had it removed, if she ever had one at all

It's quite ironic that you split with your ex gf because she wasn't ambitious enough.

You're clearly the type who is more about money/career above all and can't do emotional intelligence. If you want a family, you'd be better off not marrying a woman who is the female version of you and who would sacrifice her goals for a family, just like your ex! I cannot believe from reading this thread that you'd get up 3 times a night with an unsettled toddler and then go to work in your "important" job, which you might be expected to do if you had a wife who earned similar to you!

@dadof195

If you thought she was potentially a deceitful person, why were you shagging her?!

I'll try to be as polite as I can.

You did choose this situation, you had sex with someone. End of! There's always a chance of pregnancy if you have sex regardless if you use contraception or not.

You have, like it or not, 50% responsibility for this baby.

Your ex is doing 100% of the care and admin (she's doing YOUR 50%).

Your ex is making compromises for her career, lifestyle etc for the next 18 years, which will impact her life for the remainder of her life because of the choices you both made.

You need to put the child first. Regular sustained contact with you is what the baby needs. Not your ex or you, it's what's best for baby. You need to look at an alternative job to enable this to happen. This is what your ex has done. If this means you don't have the lifestyle you have now, this is the price everyone pays for their children. If it impacts your career, this is the price people pay for their child.

You're looking to your ex to make it easier for you, what you should be doing is looking at what's best for your child and making compromises to enable YOU (not your ex) to do this.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/mother-lucy-hellein-daughter-coil-photo-post-facebook-stop-pregnancy-contraceptive-mirena-alabama-a7717936.html

99 per cent effective is not 100 per cent effective

Because I thought I loved or cared about her at the time despite my doubts