Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

She shouldn't need to talk to you about it. You up have tried to avoid responsibility at every turn. You denied paternity yet you attended scans and the hospital after the birth. You didnt act like someone questioning paternity. You don't request a DNA. You didn't do anything that would mean you took responsibility.

I wouldn't want my kid near your parents. They support you blindly and without though of what is morally right or what is in your child's best interests. Your child is the priority. They want what's in your best interests. They are making you and your needs the priority. Maybe that's why you can ylike a baby and not a father.

Your EX has done nothing wrong at all. You are in the wrong and continue to be in the wrong. Sort your shit out.

@dadof195

But whose fault is that? She probably thought that, if you kept coming to scans and she kept being civil to you, you'd see the light. But basically you did all the light stuff - why were you even there if you didn't think you were the dad? - without even trying to do some of the hard stuff.

Your parents could have sent her a card congratulating her on having a baby and stayed out of it until the DNA test. That's what I'd do, personally. It's a decent thing to do.

Your parents appeared to be really really sure it wasn't yours, or at the least pretty ambivalent about it?

If I was 50:50 as to whether I had a grandchild, I'd be doing card and flowers and trying to keep my options open!!

If they did know it was definitely yours, do you think they would have behaved well, given they were so angry that she had ruined your life?

I'm questioning the motives of this post. I reckon @dadof195 is a troll. Unfortunately, it is possible that he's actually real because lots of men are actually like this. I feel sorry for the child and the mother if they aren't a work of fiction.

Look I didn't want my parents getting attached to a child that might not be mine. I attended the scans because my ex asked me and I was trying to do the right thing in case he was mine, same with being there after he was born. I should have sorted a dna sooner I've said that, I just let things carry on and I shouldn't have

The motive of this post is I'm asking for perspective on how I can build some bridges with my child's mum so I can have a relationship with him. I knew on a men's forum I'd get the wrong responses because I'm trying to understand from her perspective and I've had a lot of helpful replies. I expected the bad ones and I know I acted badly

Well, that was a poor decision by you, then.

You say tyou're trying to understand but you clearly haven't got there because you still think she's at least partially to blame with your constant references to "how she behaved".

And you want us to tell you how to make things easier in the short term while you're unable to commit to set contact times, but you won't tell us how much notice you give her when you want to see your DS, nor will you tell us what having your DS looks like in terms of your routine, your set up at home, overnights etc.

@MrSeptember I said I'm not here to slag her off but she behaved badly during the pregnancy, said lots of things about me to friends, acquaintances, people I work with, could have affected my job. She blocked me so many times, l was just asking for updates about the baby. She didn't even tell me when she went into labour

I think you are so focused unnecessarily and can't seem to move forward on the fact you had a short relationship with someone who got pregnant and you didn't want that. Get over this!! It's happened and your son is here. These things happen. I'm sure you can work together to find a happy balance for your child if you just have a mature civil discussion with her

I can have him every other weekend. But I won't always be able to collect him which she's not allowing. So my only option from the advice here is to change my job. I said I'm going to look into what I can do

You weren't paying maintenance, of course that is neglect! You weren't providing in any way for him. Not the roof over his head, not his nappies or clothes. You failed to meet even his most basic needs.
She gave you six months to step up and stop being a piece of shit neglectful father. How much more time did you need?
And how much were you really there? Ever do a night feed or change? Did you ever bath him? Did you look after him multiple times a week? Or did you see him half a dozen times while allowing your ex to do all the hard graft of parenting because you blamed her for your choice to not use a condom?

You thought she was a gold digging cheat who had got pregnant on purpose to milk you for money. And your parents thought that you should have a say about whether or not she had bodily autonomy (and I suspect you also thought this).

What did she say about you that was worse than this? Or did she, perhaps, simply tell mutual acquaintances about the above?

The mother of your child should not have to ask you to financially support your child 🤦‍♀️

Was any of what she said untrue though? Because given how you've described your own behaviour on here and how you failed to contribute towards your son until the law forced you, just telling the truth about you will make you look awful. She doesn't have to lie for you.
You denied parentage and called her a gold digging cheat, why would she give you updates on her pregnancy?

And why would she tell you when she went into labour. She didn't want you to turn up and make a drama or make the moment about you when she was pushing a baby out and that was her choice. Totally sane decision. You are so self centred!!

Erm tbh I suspect she was quite hurt by your behaviour. That she’d cheated/ could be lying/ should of had an abortion/ was after your money. Hey you gold digging cheater how’s that baby that I don’t believe is mine and if it is I don’t want it?

How do you communicate nicely with someone who thinks so badly of you especially when in a vulnerable state? I’d of blocked you too.

It’s up to you to change the way they see things. This is your doing. You put ideas into your parents’ head that she cheated, that she deliberately trapped you, that she only went ahead because you have money. And yet, he is your son, you didn’t wear a condom, she didn’t claim for 6 months after he was born.

YOU must put that right.

You ALL must thank her AND apologise.

If you had all got your way, your son would not be alive. You should all be grateful and say the words.

Speak with your parents today. Tell them you must all put it right. Take action. Then give her time.

Would you be happy handing over a child to a person who wanted you to get rid of that child? Who took over 2 years to get off their arse and start supporting you?

Come on OP. Drop all of your excuses and defensiveness. Let them all go. Admit how wrong you were. And put it right. You’ll feel better.

Jesse Christ are you for real , you accused her of cheating implied the baby wasn't yours , didn't help her financially and she is supposed to be nice to you ? Grow up OP seriously you put that woman throgh hell she owes you nothing .

Labour is an incredible and awful thing for the body to do. Anything that puts any additional stress on the woman in that time should be avoided.

Again, if she had posted on MN to ask if she should tell her ex, who had accused her of cheating on him and wanted to deny paternity, if she should tell you when in labour, she would have got a resounding hell no.

You're something else OP.
As soon as you started saying she had been cheating and the baby wasn’t yours and she should get rid of it and your family agree, and she was trapping you, and the IUD must have been a lie, she should have permanently blocked you. Told you to fuck off. And told everyone what a cad you were. Do you know how lucky you are that she’s giving you a chance?

And get to fuck - why the hell would she take time out from giving birth to let someone who behaved like you know? She was concentrating on a safe birth for them both. If you had been any kind of a decent man, you would have been part of the birthing plan, would have already been supporting emotionally and financially.

It’s all me me me isn’t it?

Get legal advice.

If you have your child then you can parent however you want to.

If you want your parents to pick your child up from nursery you can do that - no one can stop you from doing that.

Your ex can't do what she wants and walk all over no matter what the past has been like.

He wants his parents to pick the child up from his ex’s house, I believe.

Well, I made it quite clear to my son when he was a teenager that if a girlfriend of his got pregnant amd then split up, I would expect him to support the child until they were 18. And that i would kick him up the backside if he were reluctant to do so. I also told him to use a condom to ensure a pregnancy didnt occur!

I can't blame your sons mum for not trusting your parents given that they are just civil to her, they blame her, not you for this lovely child very existence. As an aside, long story but when my brother finally married his now ex, my mother actually told their child that if it wasnt for him, her son wouldn't be marrying his mummy. Can you 100% guarantee that at some future date your parents won't drip the same sort of poison?

Stop being a whiny man child and do what's best for your son, and ensure that you adapt to his routine. Why on earth can't you swop shifts with someone else for your weekends fgs.