Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

[dadof195]

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

She was probably waiting for you to offer, as you should have done.

And if she had posted on MN - "My ex doesn't believe our child is his, but he hasn't asked for a paternity test, although he visits sometimes. He's basically accused me of cheating on him and only getting pregnant to get at his money, so I feel really weird asking him for money, but I'm struggling on SMP. What should I do?"

Then damn straight 90% of the replies would have suggested going to the CMS.

She was probably waiting for you to step up and offer to pay for your child like a decent dad would.

She could have spoken to me about it, like an adult. She never mentioned doing a dna test either. So I'd say we are both at fault there

I'd honestly forget about your parents opinions here. It's not about them at this time. You go on so much about your parents. It's about the child. Forget about the past , how she got pregnant or how you werent there , what money was paid. What matters is today and the rest of your childs future. you have a son that needs two parents who get on. Talk with her , every other weekend sounds very generous, so why aren't you taking it up? What's the issue and how can it be resolved? Maybe there is a valid reason why she doesn't want your parents collecting the child?? We're they overbearing? Did they treat her with kindness. There is so many factors that can be unseen here. Best way forward, try to get on with eachother . I'm sire if you have a proper civil discussion, you can come up with a plan together where the child sees you smd your family. Surely you are not working 24/7, or talk with your boss to male sure that on this day xyz whatever day it is going forward you will be having your son and you don't be available to work, but can be flexible the rest of ths time.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

You say you are taking responsibility for how you behaved when she was pregnant, but you are not.

You really hurt her, she went through pregnancy and birth alone, was struggling on a lower income and you think she had equal "responsibility" for a difficult conversation as you, whose life hadn't been turned upside down six ways from Sunday.

Are you on glue??

We don't resent her. I've already said I'm so happy to have my son now. Can't imagine life without him. But it wasn't an ideal situation, short relationship then a pregnancy which wasn't planned. We broke up for a reason, she wasn't the person I wanted to spend my life with. Now I'm trying to make the best of this situation we are in

No. You are the only one at fault. You were well aware that children are not free. You were the one questioning paternity. You.

Why would she mention doing a DNA test when she didn’t doubt paternity ? It was you and your god awful parents that doubted it .
Sounds like you are still attached to your mothers womb
ICK

She's on a lower income than myself, yes. But from what I know when we were together it's still a decent one with a good maternity package. From what I understand she's gone back to the same job. She's taken our son on holiday a couple of times and things like that so I don't think she's struggling as much as you all think

The child is only 2, it would be a massive upheaval to have random nights with grandparents and a dad he doesn’t see regularly. At 2yrs old there isn’t a lot of time from the end of nursery to bed, so it would be very disruptive to have as hoc days of being picked up and dropped back at bedtime, and I imagine inconvenient for his mother.

Imagine you had sole custody, nurseries don’t let you just chop and change days, they need to be set and things need to be consistent.

His mother has had to raise a child on her own, go through pregnancy and birth on her own, change her life completely just to raise your child. You need to be able to give your son consistency and that involves changing your job. His mother can’t just work whenever she wants, change jobs when it suits her - if you want to be a proper father, then you need to make some sacrifices too.

It's irrelevant though I've already admitted I should have sorted things sooner and helped with my son. I can't turn back the clock

It’s relevant when you want to “blame” her equally for not bringing up money etc.

Whatever her maternity package, it’s unlikely it was full pay for the period before she contacted the CSA. And even if it was, her costs would have gone up with baby stuff to buy, additional heating cos home all the time etc.

But also - she was sleep deprived, on call 24/7 for your baby etc. You cannot equate your “occasional visitor” position with her life at the time. Grow up.

Well, besides continuing to not say if you ask for last minute access and whether or not you stick to his routine...

... I see you continue to believe that at least half the fault is hers. Your parents can't forgive her for what she did? What did she do? She got pregannt, she asked for help. She refused an abortion. She did not do anything wrong and the fact that you seem so stuck on this "well, we're both at fault" is mindblowing. It's also hilariously narcissistic behaviour - complete inability ot take responsibility and accountability and even when you do sort of, it's always with a "but".

You also still seem to think she's at fault for going to CSA. I think that's hilarious. So, for 6vmonths, you sort of drift in and out. Never offer a penny and then are shocked and hrut she didn't raise it with you in the first place? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. That's like someone I know stealing from me then being surprised I went to the police instead of discussing it with them first.

You offer to pay the childcare bill for a few months and then pop back to tell us if you’re struggling. Nursery is a massive expense and if you earn too much to qualify for state help it’s absolutely brutal. You can have a really decent salary coming in but still be in the red every month with mortgage, bills, nursery costs, food, transportation.

Honestly stop thinking about what works for you and start thinking about what is in your child’s interest and then make that happen.

It's not irrelevant. She has to work out how much she can trust you, so because you behaved badly before, you have to work harder to convince her that you have changed. And that you will respect her and cooperate with her.

You really can't see why someone who got a load of hassle and bullying for daring to keep the baby wouldn't want to negotiate an informal deal on child support and would just go through legal channels? We live in such a broken country - I honestly think that the state should do so much more to make men step up. If it were as stigmatised not to pay for your child as it were for her to be a single mum, you'd have done the right thing from the start.

She wouldn't have been paying a nursery bill until she went back to work which was when he was about 1. I don't think it takes £1000pm to look after my son. Now that it goes towards the nursery bill yes, but not at first. I've always paid it though, as I know now I should

How would you know how much it costs to look after him?

I'm not focused on my parents I was only trying to explain their point of view. Would any of you be happy if your son had an unplanned baby after a short relationship, with someone really unsuited to him? Would you not say anything?

Not to the mother, I wouldn’t.

Did they?

But but but but but but but but but but but but but
You didn’t always pay it tho did u?
You didn’t give her anything for 6 months of your sons life

They didn't say anything directly to her no. They never spoke to her once. The only reason my ex knows their feelings is because I told her during discussion that my mother had asked how I be sure the baby is mine

You know NOTHING.

I worked in the City for an investment bank with ane xtremely generous maternity package. In my case, 6 months full pay. After that I got just SMP although I did benefit from accruing leave while I was on mat pay so at the end of my six months, I'd accrued a further 12 days in annual leave. What this meant is that as we could not afford to live without my full salary, I took 6.5 months of leave. It is extremely unlikely that if she took a year off she was getting full pay for any more of that time than I got. There would have been a financial hit for a MINIMUM Of 6 months of her 1 year.

As a single mum though, i can totally understand wanting and needing to take the full year. To try to manage childcare on a full time basis with a six month old baby would have been hell.

My ex has also said she was hurt that they didn't acknowledge my son awhen he was born, "not even a card". But in their defence I guess they wouldn't have as I wasn't totally sure he was mine

She will be very attached to routine because she is doing it solo. Routine is what you cling to, because kids can be very sensitive. And when kids are unsettled, they wake up at night (and who will that affect?!), they refuse to go to nursery or refuse to eat, it can be really difficult.

People (dads) who say they want their kids at short notice often also say that they can't have their kids at short notice. She is really trying to impress on you that your son isn't a side hobby. That's not what her life is like and you have to respect that.

And again, they could have apologised for that. Hell, even a genuine, "we;re so sorry we weren't there when he was born. We were mistaken about whose he was and the situation and we regret that. He's a lovely little boy, and a credit to you, and we are so happy to be his grandparents."

I have to leave this thread now. Your endless justifications, refusal to actually answer some of the relevant questions and whinging about how it's at least half your ex's fault that things are tricky is just too tedious for words.