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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dad wanting to move forward need advice please

477 replies

dadof195 · 29/09/2024 15:44

I’m a dad but hope it’s ok to ask here for some advice, trying to get perspective.

In short, I was in a relationship with my ex for a while not living together but spent most of our time together.

We broke up and about a month after she told me she was pregnant. I thought it was a joke at first as so cliche but it wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I didn’t want a baby with her, I told her this. That sounds bad writing it out but I want honest advice here so I need to be honest and say I did tell her this, I thought it was a bad idea to carry on with the pregnancy.

As we had broken up I queried the paternity. I went to some of the scans but I was advised not to contribute to any of the financial side until paternity confirmed. I don’t think this went down that well with my ex, she always said the baby was mine. It was a really stressful time for every one.

I did go and see the baby in hospital when he was born and a few times after. I work away in a demanding job so I’m not around always but I did text and ask for pictures and updates and tried to do the right thing.

I didn’t do anything about the paternity side because I didn’t really know how to address it.

My ex went to csa when the baby was 6 months old. I will admit I didn’t react well to this- I tried to explain to her my financial commitments but this fell on deaf ears. I would have helped if I knew she needed it, but she never asked to arrange anything between us just went straight to csa. I asked for the DNA test through which came back that my son is mine.

Since then I have paid every month, and seen my child when I can although not set days. I know the beginning doesn’t sound the best but I really love being a dad now and look forward to spending time with him.

The problem is this, my ex is being really awkward with contact.

I want to spend more time with my son. But my work means that I don’t have the same days off every week. I’ve asked for flexibility but I just seem to get nowhere.

My ex wants set days but then won’t let anyone else collect my child for me, which makes it hard with my work.

I think she makes it hard as she’s full of resentment for the pregnancy and early days of our child’s life. I do get that to an extent but I’m really trying to move forward from it and do the right thing now.

Is my only option here court or is there a better way forward?

OP posts:
AlertCat · 30/09/2024 10:02

dadof195 · 30/09/2024 09:58

I'm not trying to avoid financial responsibilities, I'll be providing for my son. I could give my ex 6k but I think she'd still be behaving the way she does. For example I'm off for a few days now and I have asked if I could collect my son from nursery and have him but she says no because of routine. And as for spending time with my family surely that's good for him too?

It’s not necessarily good for him in her mind, because those people don’t like her and seem to have caused a lot of the issues with you. She doesn’t know if they will talk her down to her son while she’s not there, or try to introduce values which aren’t her values. She’ll accept your input but in her place I would also want you there, not leaving him alone with his parents who come across from your posts as toxic and untrustworthy from her point of view.

MrSeptember · 30/09/2024 10:05

dadof195 · 30/09/2024 09:58

I'm not trying to avoid financial responsibilities, I'll be providing for my son. I could give my ex 6k but I think she'd still be behaving the way she does. For example I'm off for a few days now and I have asked if I could collect my son from nursery and have him but she says no because of routine. And as for spending time with my family surely that's good for him too?

1 When did you ask? Did you ask a few weeks ago, or just this weekend?

2 If you want to collect from nursery, what is your plan after that? So you collect him at 5 or 6pm then what? Does he sleep over at yours or do you want to spend a few hours and then take him back to hers? What is his usual dinner time and what will YOU do for dinner? What is his usual bed time and bed time routine, and will he be able to still do this or will you be bringing him back late, unfed, unbathed and therefore he'll go to bed late?

Because I can tell you, that probably the closest MIL and I ever came to a full blown stand up fight was when he kept tutting at me during family events and saying that DS could stay up late, it was just one night etc etc etc. Except, as I rather firmly pointed out to her... it wasn't HER that, with an overtired baby, was spending 90 minutes to get him to bed and would then be up every 2 hours for the night.

SheilaFentiman · 30/09/2024 10:05

What routine are you actually proposing, OP? How often are you seeing your child at present?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/09/2024 10:06

Oh wow ! you have some days off work and YOU are now available to see your son ! oh wow !!!

have you not understood all the replies ?

are you scheduled to have your son these days ?

do you understand about routine ?!

and why on earth would it be good for him to spend time with your poisonous family ?
can you trust your parents not to mutter one word against the child's mother when in the presence of him ?
100% promise that ?

and why would he be spending time with them ?

I thought the whole point of your post was for YOU to see your child...

not rentacrowd who wanted him aborted...

SheilaFentiman · 30/09/2024 10:09

It is not on her to facilitate contact with your family. If you agree to a routine of Tuesday nights and EOW (or whatever), then if you want granny to have him on Saturday afternoons, you sort that out with granny.

Even if your family hadn’t been horrible to her, I can absolutely see that she wants one point of contact - you - to deal with the co parenting. Otherwise you are just giving her more logistics to deal with.

Original poster
dadof195 · 30/09/2024 10:18

I've accepted from the advice here that longer term I need to change my job but I can't do that right this second

In the current circumstance I'm not always available to collect my son on the days my ex wants, the set days. All I wanted was for my parents to be able to collect him sometimes. It's not all the time just some of the time but she won't allow this

The nursery says I was referring to was myself collecting and I could either have him overnight or have him for tea and take him back to her whichever she preferred

I know it's been a rocky start but ny parents adore my son now, they want a relationship with him, they buy lots of things for him and want to be involved

OP posts:
MrSeptember · 30/09/2024 10:20

Why do you keep ignoring my questions about a) how short notice the change in schedule is and b) whether or not you are able or willing to respect your DS's schedule and routine even when you have him?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 30/09/2024 10:25

@dadof195 so if your parents think they should collect the child, when do you get home to see said child???? I think your family want to become involved more than you!! they dont deserve a grandchild especially after what they said about the mum!!!

SheilaFentiman · 30/09/2024 10:26

What are the set days that she wants?

If you have a conversation with her about how you are looking to change job to one with family friendly hours, and in the meantime, could your parents sometimes pick him up from nursery to make set days work, that might go better than your current approach.

Assuming your parents love your DS enough to apologise to his mother, of course.

MamOfGirls2 · 30/09/2024 10:32

dadof195 · 30/09/2024 09:58

I'm not trying to avoid financial responsibilities, I'll be providing for my son. I could give my ex 6k but I think she'd still be behaving the way she does. For example I'm off for a few days now and I have asked if I could collect my son from nursery and have him but she says no because of routine. And as for spending time with my family surely that's good for him too?

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want consistency. Consistency is good for your child.

And as for spending time with my family surely that's good for him to?

I guess that depends on your family. Ultimately, you need to build a trusting co-parenting relationship with her first and a loving relationship with your son. He doesn't need to be shoved from pillow to post not knowing whose collecting him on what day. You are ecpecyeveryone else to fit in with your whims. They don't have to. They already have a routine. Your all about what you and your family wants. You need to consider your son first. What's in his best interests. His mum will absolutely be putting his needs above hers. Otherwise, she wouldnt have contacted CM and would have kept you firmly out of her life.

Original poster
dadof195 · 30/09/2024 10:33

I'm not ignoring questions sorry a lot to take in here. The set days she wants are every other weekend.
Being honest I doubt I could ever make my parents apologise to my ex, they don't agree with what she did and in their view she treated me very badly. That's how they see it. The way things are now is making their opinion of her even worse

OP posts:
Original poster
dadof195 · 30/09/2024 10:34

But they've been civil to her and aren't out to make her life harder, they just want to support me in seeing my son

OP posts:
MrSeptember · 30/09/2024 10:36

dadof195 · 30/09/2024 10:33

I'm not ignoring questions sorry a lot to take in here. The set days she wants are every other weekend.
Being honest I doubt I could ever make my parents apologise to my ex, they don't agree with what she did and in their view she treated me very badly. That's how they see it. The way things are now is making their opinion of her even worse

Yes, you ARE ignoring the question.

1 When did you tell her that you want him this week as you are not working?

2 What does this look like and does it negatively impact his routine ie will he eat his dinner at the usual time, will he be bathed and in bed at the usual time? etc.

These are really easy questions to answer.

Fluufer · 30/09/2024 10:39

dadof195 · 30/09/2024 10:34

But they've been civil to her and aren't out to make her life harder, they just want to support me in seeing my son

You don't need support to see your son. You just need to make it a priority. Keep your family out of it until you have worked out how to be a proper dad. You're a grown man, take some responsibility.

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 30/09/2024 10:41

Children of 2 need structure, routine and safety. The fact that you consider this as her being obstructive rather than trying to ensure her son is secure and happy shows that you only prioritise your wants and needs in this situation. the child is not a parcel to be handed round your family at your whim, and at two he is likely to find it confusing and stressful

SheilaFentiman · 30/09/2024 10:45

Ok, she wants you to do EOW. You cannot be the only parent at your work. Is there ANY way you can get your shifts so that you can pick up from her on Friday night/Sat morning EOW? By committing to always doing the weekend shift on the other weekend, or by doing other unattractive shifts?

SheilaFentiman · 30/09/2024 10:53

To date, how many times have you had him overnight?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/09/2024 11:00

'they just want to support me in seeing my son'

NO - YOU support yourself in seeing YOUR son

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/09/2024 11:01

How long were you in the relationship before the breakup and pregnancy?

DaniMontyRae · 30/09/2024 11:11

dadof195 · 30/09/2024 10:33

I'm not ignoring questions sorry a lot to take in here. The set days she wants are every other weekend.
Being honest I doubt I could ever make my parents apologise to my ex, they don't agree with what she did and in their view she treated me very badly. That's how they see it. The way things are now is making their opinion of her even worse

You and your parents are a fucking joke. No wonder your ex doesn't want them looking after her child. By what "she did", you mean not being bullied by you into having an abortion, don't you? So they still resent the fact your son exists and your ex had the nerve to make choices over her own body.
Your ex did not treat you badly, you and your parents have treated her badly. You chose not to use condoms and as a result created a child. You and your parents then decided to label her a cheating, gold digging slut instead of you taking responsibility for your own actions. You neglected your child for the first 6 months of his life. You have still not paid her the child support for these 6 months. You are pathetic.

Original poster
dadof195 · 30/09/2024 11:13

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/09/2024 11:01

How long were you in the relationship before the breakup and pregnancy?

Less than a year

OP posts:
Isittoolatea · 30/09/2024 11:15

dadof195 · 30/09/2024 10:18

I've accepted from the advice here that longer term I need to change my job but I can't do that right this second

In the current circumstance I'm not always available to collect my son on the days my ex wants, the set days. All I wanted was for my parents to be able to collect him sometimes. It's not all the time just some of the time but she won't allow this

The nursery says I was referring to was myself collecting and I could either have him overnight or have him for tea and take him back to her whichever she preferred

I know it's been a rocky start but ny parents adore my son now, they want a relationship with him, they buy lots of things for him and want to be involved

STOP! Just stop !
Your parents are not good people. I wouldn’t want my child anywhere near them.
They buy lots of things for your son? Awwww how adorable of them .
Will it be you or them that tell your son he wasn’t wanted?
How about they don’t badmouth his mum , apologise to her and stop expecting they have rights to your son. Neeeeewwwwssssssflash ….
They don’t have any rights !

Original poster
dadof195 · 30/09/2024 11:15

Can I just say I did not neglect my son for the first 6 months of his life. I saw him in hospital after he was born, I did see him during those 6 months. I know now not dealing with the paternity issue straight away and arranging child support was a bad move. But I was there. My ex was actually quite civil to me during this time, so I was pretty surprised she went down the csa route rather than just talking to me about it

OP posts:
Original poster
dadof195 · 30/09/2024 11:16

My parents can't take back their thoughts and feelings over the situation at the time. It wasn't ideal. But he's here now and we all want to be part of his life. I would be worse surely if I just abandonded him?

OP posts:
lemonstolemonade · 30/09/2024 11:17

Yeah, I can see why your ex is pretty wary of your son seeing your parents, tbh. Would you want your child around people who absolutely hate you? It's kind of dripping from your post how much you all still resent her and think the worst of her.

What is it, exactly, that they still think she has done? She kept the baby (which presumably they now see might be a positive?) and as for bad mouthing you to mutual friends, don't you now realise that she needed some support at the time and to feel someone was on her side. She was doing a really hard thing!

She has been a big person bringing you all in at all. Your parents really are not behaving nicely. It's sadly not unusual, but it is not right.