Asked to give money towards honeymoon.....how much?

[Funnimummi]

As title suggests, am going to a wedding next month and in the invite the couple have written a note saying they would like a donation towards the honeymoon instead of a gift.

I really am not sure how much is considered an acceptable sum????!!!!

Probably a daft question but I really don't know.

The couple are close friends, and we are in our thirties (if that makes any diff)

Thanks

I asked this before but nobody has answered - those who feel its ok to pop a wedding pressie list in the post, or even to actually ask for the cash instead, would you feel it is ok to say 'can I have money instead' at your birthday and at christmas?

I really cannot see the difference. And the thought makes me cringe.

Ld&c - Yes I would ask fro money if I was asked what I would like.

I think we're going to have to agree to differ on this I don't think it is rude to ask for money (if the person is asking what you would like) I think money is better than a present off a list and better than them getting you something you already have.

Is this a generation thing because my MIL is against money instead of gifts but I think it's up to the person recieving the gift if they would like a present or money (not up to them how much is spent though)

Those who don't agree with giving money don't have to give money if they don't want to (it is after all their money)

Personally I prefer money 9 times out of 10 and will ask for it if I'm asked, just because unless a lot of thought is put in people never know what I like and I end up with cupboards and draws full of stuff I don't feel I can throw out, give away or sell, a couple of the items I have at the moment are a leather filofax and a pink fluffy coat both of which must have cost more than say £20 which I would much rather have had if i'm honest.

I have decided if and when we do get married I will not ask for anything at all but if I do get asked I will request money.

What I prefer is the chinese/asian way of doing things... if you want money off your guests instead of presents hand out little envelopes with your invitations and those who come along give you the envelope (with a cash gift in) the good thing about it is each envelope is not marked so you could never know who gave what, everyone will get thanked all the same, and all is well.. this then leaves no issues with people feeling awkward on how much to give, or get some people going OTT.

I'd love to do this for ds christening but DH not so keen!

The Asian way of doing things is crass. Sending out a begging envelope with an invitation?

How tacky can you get?

Please listen to your DH and do not even consider doing this for your daughter's christening

Talk about grasping.

Hosting a party should never be seen as a way of making a profit. Shaking down your guests for money is rude no matter how you try to dress it up.

If people feel like giving you money they'll will. Prompting them to do so is unmannerly.

LoveMyGirls - I think if people ask what you want it's OK to tell them the truth. Personally I still wouldn't ask for money, but the big faux pas is to send out gift instructions to your guests.

martha please tell us you are joking?

why do people give gifts for christening anyways? I don't get it. lots of naff sliver stuff they'll never use and will gather dust, and 4 children's bibles. If my children were ever to get christened ( highly unlikely!) I would state def no presents. Give to your favourite charity instead.

I think this is quite a difficult one but I am surprised by all the strong reactions! I personally would not ask for money and I can understand why asking for money can be thought of as crass and I would feel a little uncomfortable about giving money, so I do have sympathy for the orginal OP, especially as they are not short of money themselves. However I am amazed with the backlash against wedding lists. I thought a gift list was completely normal for weddings . I am not an expert, have only been to 4 weddings as an adult (plus my own) but I thought that that was the norm, I am obviously missing something here?! I don't think anyone who sets up a gift list expects everyone to buy from it, it is simply a list of suggested presents if people want a guide, thats under no circumstances puts people under pressure to buy from it or in fact buy anything at all. Lets face it, most people who come to weddings want to buy something and from my experience are grateful for a guide. If people are not interested in the idea they don't even have to look up the list!

I had one at my wedding and honestly didn't even consider that it might offend people (maybe that was my naive 22 year old self) and most people asked not if we had one but where it was being held, this was even before we sent out proper invitations. Not everyone bought from the list of course, some people bought off the list and some bought nothing at all (I had some broke friends who I told not to bother with pressies as I knew for them finding the £50 for a room was a lot of money) but most people seemed happy to be buying something I needed and actually wanted and prices started at £1.50.

The 4 weddings I have been to all had lists. I bought things off the list for 2, bought something not on the list for another and for the other one I bought nothing (their wedding was one of those really really expensive ones to attend up in Edinburgh castle cost us best part of 1k when you add hen and stag do's into the equation) but I spoke to the bride and groom about it and offered our time instead of a gift and they were fine. None of these people "expected" pressies and you certainly didn't have to buy off the list if you didn't want to!

Maybe it is because I am young-ish (26) but I am completely missing how anyone could be offended by a "if people would like to buy something from our gift list it is being held at John Lewis/Debenhams/Argos etc". And... whilst sticking a card in with an invitation might be a little blunt, if you are creating an information booklet to go with your invitiation (e.g maps, parking, hotel booking info, disabled access, toilet facilities etc) and you don't put info about a gift list then you will be constantly asked about it, so surely it makes sense to mention the fact that you have one if anyone is interested??

LoveMyGirls I completely agree. My SILs usually ask for money/vouchers for presents and it has never offended me.

Playingthewaitinggame gift lists are now more or less the norm, but they are relatively new (last 30-40 years or so) so those from an older generation/who have been brought up to think they're wrong may still think they're wrong. My mum told me it was infra dig to send our thank you notes on cards that matched the invitations (they should be on writing paper, apparently) but had no objections at all to the gift list, so I'm assuming it was fine

skidoodle and housenearlysold - it's only crass/a joke perhaps if the culture you live in doesn't do this as a norm.

As for advice against the Christening, if you knew some background you may appreciate why it came to me, wasn't suggesting every one should follow suit.. hana has a point, ds1 had lots of things that will gladly leave our house when he moves out one day, we;ve known a few people who say no gifts, give to charity, but to be honest then I'd prefer to give the money to the child, because all our children will need savings for the future (especially in the UK me thinks!)

Anyway as for OP, give what you feel you want to,

when we got married, we asked for money for a computer course for DH. we were really skint (no engagement ring for me and 2 day's honeymoon in the lake district in december)and had all the basics and lived in a tiny 1 bed rented flat so had no need for 'nice' things. my mum organised most of the wedding so i asked her only to mention it to anyone who was unsure of what to get us or to closer friends and family who i knew would be fine about it. we didn;t have a wedding list.

so, in the end, we got the money for the course and some lovely 'surprise' presents, things that we ddin't need but are lovely to have and now that we're older and have a house, will be more useful, such as nice cutlery or bedlinen.

it did seem a bit 'unromantic' but we saw it as this was helping to set us up in our married life, much in the same way as buying toasters etc used to be helping to set up newly married couples years ago. DH did the course then got a job in I.T, so the course really ddi help us out.