Am I being controlling?

[Coz97]

So my partner and I have been having some arguments recently which mostly stem from his hobbies and how it takes time away from me.

We have a baby together and he's been great with looking after her while I go to work (we sort of work opposite shifts, I work part time) and doing a lot of the bed times etc.

However, his hobbies eat up A LOT of time. I know everyone should have hobbies and I wouldn't mind if it was 3 or 4 hours a week, something like that. But this is double digits. He goes out on a Monday for a few hours then usually 3 weeknights, sometimes for an hour and a half, sometimes 2 - 3 hours. He usually goes out on a Saturday or Sunday and this can vary from 4 - 6 hours. I feel like this is a lot?

My partner has accused me of trying to control his time and what he does. And tbh I'm not sure if I'm the problem now. I don't have many hobbies and it's hard because if I want to make time for hobbies then I have to do it when my partner is here and able to watch baby/put her to bed. Therefore, we'll end up having even less time together.

So am I the problem? My partner has made it very clear he's not going to cut back (he has already cut down) and he said he's sick of arguing. I don't know what to do..

In my view, your frustration is fair. Having children is a massive commitment that impacts every aspect of your life. Life as it was before simply cannot carry on as it was before. His child needs his time and attention. That is the most valuable commodity that he can give his child.

I agree everyone needs some hobby or space or whatever to still have something of themselves to hold onto. However the time commitment he has to his hobby is excessive. He needs to find a way to manage that better or accept that he needs a different hobby now as a father.

By him doing what he is doing he is putting even more pressure on you and that is in no way fair.

It is important how you approach this though and "nagging" will not help, a quiet calm conversation hopefully should help him understand. I expect you have already tried that though. Do you think he is struggling being a Dad? Could this be a way of avoiding that role?

I've already tried having a calm conversation but he is adamant that he's going to continue with his hobbies. I get some help from family, so they often take her for a few hours at the weekend so I can rest. He does look after her for a few hours a day while I work and he does bedtime a few nights, so he's definitely a good dad. But yeah, it all seems like too much sometimes.

He can't be a decent df if he is hardly there.

Take up a hobby.. Even a drink coffee at Costa habit.. He gets to have one to one with dc. I am betting that doesn't happen now? And you get time out.

He does spend a few hours with our baby every day (most days). So I'd say he's a good dad and he helps. But I'm still not over the moon at the lack of time I get with him and the little family time we have. Yep, Costa is a good idea!

Spent most of the evening feeling sad. I don't know how to be around him at the moment. Just feels like there's so much tension and resentment.

One night a week is plenty in my opinion

It sounds like DH fits family stuff around his work and hobby - he does it when his other commitments allow. You, by contrast, have to fit any 'you' time into any spaces allowed between work and family.

This means, in effect, that family stuff for you takes up all the space that would be personal time: your 'hobby' is care of DC and home. It would be interesting to chart up the actual hours each of you puts into each of the three areas, and might give you a starting point for further discussion.

It shouldn't be just 3 areas, by the way. Relationships also need a time investment, and that includes your marriage.

You say hobbies so there is more than one. If he is on a team and was before baby l would understand as he would have training and a weekend match. But is there another hobby too?
It sounds a lot. Is he having drinks etc or coming straight home afterwards. Are you working some evenings where he is alone with baby so you have no real time together in the evenings?
There is always an adjustment after a baby but sounds like he is continuing as normal.
I would say you working during his off time is impacting you both a lot as well. Can this be changed to day time working with a childminder so you have free evenings?

The most important thing here is his response to you telling him you're struggling. If you've sat him down and openly told him you're struggling with it, a good life partner & dad would be empathetic and try to work it out together. No good father or partner wants to see the mother of their child struggling.

The hours he is out of the house at a hobbies, is this on top of working full time? If so, that seems like he's out of the house a substantial amount. I don't know the age of your child, but that would definitely bother me. What if you had a hobbies that required the same amount of hours?

Please don't get stuck on the mentality that he's a good dad because he spends a few hours with her daily or puts her to bed, that's literally he's responsibility, it's the bare minimum. Men often get props for the bare minimum.

Yes there are two - tennis and golf. You hit the nail on the head when you said he's continuing as normal. He basically doesn't want anything about his life to change! I work afternoon/evening, meaning I get home at 6pm. As he goes out some evenings for an hour or two, it means we end up having very little time together. And then at the weekend he's out at least one of those days for 4 - 6 hours, which is annoying because that's the time we could be spending as a family. We only have about an hour a day (if that) as a family now during the week, so I wanted the weekends to be ours. Clearly thats not the case. I've only just got my job and I like it. I don't see why I should change it to suit him.

Yes he also works full time. It's a heck of a lot of time out of the house. Exactly, if I had hobbies that required the same amount of hours then I wouldn't be able to, it's as simple as that. He said I can do my hobbies on the days he's here.. but then we would have even less time together and end up drifting further apart. I don't see a solution.

Do a chart to show the time spent doing different things.

If its written down it looks more visual.

Then allocate family time, his hobby time, and give yourself the same hobby time even if your hobby is seeing a friend or going for a coffee or library to read.

Make sure you get the same down time.

Otherwise it might be worth reminding him if you split he would get 50% of his time with the baby and work.

Your dream family life looks different for you both. He is less sentimental about creating the little bubble of bliss you’re picturing.

There does need to be some compromise though. You can’t ask a golfer to give up golf and I’m guessing that’s the 4-6 hours. Could he cut back to say two nights at tennis in the week?

Be careful how hard you push though as if he doesn’t choose to be home with you and DC you’ll end up with him being there physically, but resentful, disengaged and uncooperative.

It's actually 6 hours on a Monday (golf), just over an hour on a Tuesday, hour and a half on a Thursday (and now he wants to take up another hobby so he's out from 6 till 9 and then he goes to work straight after), then either Saturday or Sunday tennis match for 4 - 6 hours.

I think the two of you have to sit down once a week and divi up who’s doing what, and when. Make sure to include your hobbies in that. A weekly timetable explicitly show whether or not the hours are being fairly shared out.

It really pisses me off when men become fathers but expect their lives to carry on as before. It’s selfish and immature. He’s out a hell of a lot. As a PP said, he’s fitting family time around his hobbies. It should be the other way round.

This isn’t about your dream family life looking different. This is about your dream family life revolving around family and his dream life revolving around him.

You’re not being controlling. He is being selfish and neglectful of you and your family life. The visual aid for showing how you both spend your time could be really useful.

Thank you!! I'm so sick of being told I'm being controlling. I was starting to doubt myself.

It may be worth reminding that yes, absolutely you can do little to curtail him in his hobbies (I just knew in your first post one of them was fucking golf!!) but he needs to be aware that your resentment will grow if he doesn’t push family life a little up the list of priorities. Over the next few days, see how much time to himself he’s getting and then match it. To the minute. As pp have said, get a Costa habit if needs be. Sometimes our dear other halves need to see in realtime what it all looks like if both of you behave the same.

Oh yes. And if he tells you it’s not fair/right, tell him he’s being controlling.

A tennis match for 6 hours?!?! Is he Roger Federer???

Sorry but he's taking the piss massively.

Sorry to ask the obvious but, are you sure he is actually doing these hobbies during these times?

Should clarify most of them are 4ish hours. When he has away matches he might be out for around 6 hours but that includes travel time. Yes, there's lots of proof he is where he says he is. I've not had to worry about that.

So we had a chat this morning and he doesn't think he's being unreasonable. However, we will be spending Mondays together now (or most of them). Let's just hope he doesn't start to resent me...

I think it’s important to each have time to yourselves/hobbies, but it has to be equal, work for everyone and allow for family time. There are ways to have hobbies/time to yourself without massively impacting family/your time.

For example my husband plays football & goes to the gym, those are his “main” hobbies and he does spend a lot of time on them BUT in a way that doesn’t massively impact us. He goes to the gym most weekdays but he gets up and goes at 5am, so our daughter isn’t even awake and neither am I, he’s back by the time she wakes up. Does football training 1 night a week but again thats 8pm-9pm so it’s after she’s had her bath etc, and then on a Sunday he plays football which takes up 3/4 hours but we go down and watch him, see the other families etc. Is there a way he could fit his hobbies in differently so there isn’t such a big impact on family time?

Change your language also, he's not helping you, it's all joint responsibility

We're going to spend Mondays together now. Weekdays, he has to start around 6 ish, which is annoying because I come home from work and have to sort my dinner out and look after our baby. However, if it's only 2 evenings a week max then I might be able to deal with it. He won't have many tennis matches during the winter so he won't be out much again weekends soon. So there might be some silver linings.