Am I being controlling?

[Coz97]

So my partner and I have been having some arguments recently which mostly stem from his hobbies and how it takes time away from me.

We have a baby together and he's been great with looking after her while I go to work (we sort of work opposite shifts, I work part time) and doing a lot of the bed times etc.

However, his hobbies eat up A LOT of time. I know everyone should have hobbies and I wouldn't mind if it was 3 or 4 hours a week, something like that. But this is double digits. He goes out on a Monday for a few hours then usually 3 weeknights, sometimes for an hour and a half, sometimes 2 - 3 hours. He usually goes out on a Saturday or Sunday and this can vary from 4 - 6 hours. I feel like this is a lot?

My partner has accused me of trying to control his time and what he does. And tbh I'm not sure if I'm the problem now. I don't have many hobbies and it's hard because if I want to make time for hobbies then I have to do it when my partner is here and able to watch baby/put her to bed. Therefore, we'll end up having even less time together.

So am I the problem? My partner has made it very clear he's not going to cut back (he has already cut down) and he said he's sick of arguing. I don't know what to do..

Your point is absolutely valid and he needs to realise now you have a child he needs to make changes to his lifestyle to accommodate his family. It’s pretty selfish of him to not have a calm conversation and adapt the amount he’s out the house doing hobbies. I have a 2 and 6 year old and my partner took up golf a year ago. It got to much every weekend as he would be out the house all day and back late every Saturday and lack of family time as he usually workes 6 days a week so he compromised and now goes once every other week instead of every week. That was 1 conversation I had with him and he happily made the change for me

Right, so how do I get my ducks in a row? I work part time (15 hours a week). I like this job and don't want to give it up. I barely have any savings. What do I do...

Is there any mileage to be had in going to Relate? I mean, is this a relationship that you would ideally like to save? If it’s not then I suppose contact your local council to get on the housing list, or ask him to move out. As soon as he does, apply for universal credit and child support.

I don't think so. Just had another argument with him and feeling so down about it. It's his house so I'd be the one moving one. It feels so daunting :(

Are you married?
If the house is in his name then it's unlikely you will get to stay in it (unless you can show beneficial interest)

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/

Nope, not married.

Can you move in with family or do you need to find your own place? I agree with your decision to leave, he’s not being a partner nor a dad.

I would give him an ultimatum change or leave. Yet another selfish twatty golfing father that thinks it's ok to golf at w/e's. It's NOT ok! I have a close friend with 4 kids whose husband golfs every w/e. Be strong now because it only gets harder as your kids grow. Do not tolerate it. And do not have any more kids with him until he changes or does one. Good luck, you are not controlling you sound very very reasonable. 😊

Apply for universal credit now. You can add rent at a later date. Can you speak with your local housing for homelessness? Or any family you can live with?

Also have a think about logistics with where you live/work in relation to his home. If you can, I'd be fairly close so when he is doing his 50% of raising his child it will make your life a little easier. He won't know what's hit him when he has to cancel all his hobbies to do his share. It all sounds ridiculously scary, but your freedom & mental wellbeing will make your life far more pleasant in the future. You've got this.

Oh and he will have to help you financially to raise your child.

No, I've not got much family. Would need my own place

Thanks! It's actually tennis matches at the weekend. But yeah, I KNOW I'm reasonable. The ultimatum didn't work

Bit confused. Do I contact my local council or do I apply for universal credit? Or both? The whole thing confuses me and stresses me out but I have to think about next steps

I would do both. There’s a website that tells you what you might be entitled to claim, not sure what it’s called though.

I don’t know any like that, most woman I know do most and carry the mental load after they’ve had children, getting nails done or an hour at the gym isn’t the same as hours at a time playing golf

Universal credit for money. Local council for housing 🙂

if you go for universial credit chances are you will have to go full time and give up your current role

I think OP’s child is well under school age, unless I’m confusing her with another thread!
i neeeded to do 25 hours a week when my dc was in key stage 2.

Yep, my baby is 7 months!

if you go 50/50 with custody then he will have to give up time.
how can he be a weekend dad if he’s doing sports?

he can’t continue in the same way as there is a child here now.

Except he wouldn't because his mum would look after our baby while he's out doing things.

Also, we couldn't do 50/50 as he works nights.

Can’t you stay on full benefits and not work if you are a single parent until the child is 12 any more?

The new work requirements, introduced by the Government last October, require lead carers of 3 - 12-year-olds to be available for work for up to 30 hours a week, up from 16 hours a week for parents of 3 - 4 year olds and up from 25 hours for parents of 5 – 12-year-olds.