Am I being controlling?

[Coz97]

So my partner and I have been having some arguments recently which mostly stem from his hobbies and how it takes time away from me.

We have a baby together and he's been great with looking after her while I go to work (we sort of work opposite shifts, I work part time) and doing a lot of the bed times etc.

However, his hobbies eat up A LOT of time. I know everyone should have hobbies and I wouldn't mind if it was 3 or 4 hours a week, something like that. But this is double digits. He goes out on a Monday for a few hours then usually 3 weeknights, sometimes for an hour and a half, sometimes 2 - 3 hours. He usually goes out on a Saturday or Sunday and this can vary from 4 - 6 hours. I feel like this is a lot?

My partner has accused me of trying to control his time and what he does. And tbh I'm not sure if I'm the problem now. I don't have many hobbies and it's hard because if I want to make time for hobbies then I have to do it when my partner is here and able to watch baby/put her to bed. Therefore, we'll end up having even less time together.

So am I the problem? My partner has made it very clear he's not going to cut back (he has already cut down) and he said he's sick of arguing. I don't know what to do..

He's controlling you and what you do with your time. You are being forced to fit in around his schedule while he's giving no flexibility.

I understand you feel relieved now that you've won him over for Mondays.
However, I feel very concerned with your post.
He doesn't seem to understand what's happening below the surface. Your life has massively changed, and you're now doing just 2 things: working and caring for a baby. While his life has remained the same, with a nice variety of work, caring for baby, hobbies, social activities etc.
There is no balance. But even more troublesome, there seems to be no insight nor willingness to care that you're unhappy in this scenario. He caved now, but only because you've been hounding him (rightfully so), but he even said he didn't understand what the problem is.
This basically tells me that you're going to end up having this conversation many, many, many more times in the future, where your needs, and your identity as more than a mother, are always going to be on the backburner compared to his.
I think you'll probably need couples counseling to get to the root of this. Because he's telling you that his needs are more important than yours and his time is more valuable than yours.
I work with couples myself and I agree with what's been mentioned earlier. Sometimes making things visual really helps in creating understanding. Make a pie chart with how your time is divided: work, caring for baby, household, social activities, hobbies, time as a couple.
Also, have you ever seen the Instagram posts by Jimmy On Relationships?
He did a post about a woman telling her husband that she will also be taking up golfing now, and will be away for hours on end every weekend. Brilliant!

I play golf. I spoke to a man there whose son was a great golfer. He said he plays very little now as on Saturday morning..usual golf time..his wife gets up and heads on a 60 mile cycle with her group. So children are all his responsibility. The older man said it wouldn't have happened in my day but the younger couples are more assertive.
You need to push back with your own hobby. I know you would rather be at home but this guy needs to wake up and cop on. I am all for team sport etc but taking up another hobby is completely taking liberties.
Find a busy hobby if only for a while to balance things. Swimming/ badminton/ golf lessons!!!!
Say nothing just put it in the diary and go. Maybe a walking group who are out all Saturday morning. He needs a taste of his own medicine and you will enjoy it.

So on second thoughts I've decided I can't put up with this anymore. You're right.. the only reason he caved was because I had to keep moaning. He will only resent me from stealing him away. I'm going to make plans to leave. I deserve better than this

He isn't helping as you put it.. He contributes a tiny window to the raising of your joint dc....
He has got you feeling you should appreciate any moment of time he 'donates' your /dc's way.

Good for you @Coz97

I écho what everyone else has is op. And agree leaving sounds like the best thing to do. I would perhaps give him time after you have left to realise what he's done and cost himself with his selfishness and if he wants to work on things and save the relationship give him another chance at that point- but only the one chance. I must say as a single parent I now have loads more time for myself (my hobby is sleep 🤣) when ex has his children every other weekend. I can and do get my family time with other relatives and it's more fulfilling because they want to spend time with me and enjoy it rather than being there under duress.

I just wanted to add I noticed in one of your comments you said he helps with your shared child. It's not helping it's parenting. He clearly sees it as him helping you with your responsibilities but when you use the word help you show it's a belief you have had ingrained in you and why you had to post here for the reality check if you are controlling. It's a big irritation of mine we should stop saying help when we mean parenting.

I wish you the best of luck. There is great support here to work out when you are being gaslit. When he calls you selfish and accuses you of breaking up the family and damaging you child's life by depriving them of daily contact with their father re read this post. Post again to see if you are unreasonable if he gets you doubting and thinking you should get back together when he realises 50/50 child contact is a shit load more effort for him or he has to pay maintenance and decides manipulating you back into a relationship is what's best for HIM

when your children are that young I don’t think it’s fair at all, no way would a mum do this

And you deserve better, 1 day a week golfing for a few hours is more than enough when you have young children, he’s selfish

Presumably he hasn't started these hobbies since your baby was born so yes YABU.
You knew he had these hobbies and you didn't communicate with him before either conception that after you'd had a child he would need to give up playing tennis because you want weekends to be kept totally free for family time!

Except for all the mums I see at the gym, spa, getting hair and nails done. I know plenty of mums that didn't change their lives one bit when they had children.
In fact I know more mums that didn't than men!

OP, unfortunately you have had a child with a selfish man.
Big mistake.
They really don't change and make shit partners and fathers.
Well done for deciding to leave.
Far better to not waste your future with him.
Certainly another child would be a disaster.
Don't hide the truth from people.
He had no interest in being around you or the baby so you took the choice out of his hands.

Better off going it alone, if finances allow.
Wonder how many women would choose the same.
Most men are completely useless, if not a downright burden.
Not all of them, obviously.

He needs to understand that he is a husband & a father, that comes first, always. Hobbies & his social life fits around his family life, not the other way around. It sounds more like he is seeing you & your child in his “free time” rather than prioritising his family & spending free time doing his hobbies.

I can’t see his mindset changing unfortunately.

You also seem to refer to him as “helping” while you are at work etc, he isn’t helping, he’s being a parent, it’s expected of him.

He can’t have a family & continue to live as a single man.

I'd be more hurt by the fact that he doesn't seem to want to spend anytime with you. Yes everyone needs time to themselves, hobbies etc but it sounds like he has no interest in you or the relationship at all. I know he agreed to Mondays with you but that was only after you basically nagged him into it. Sorry OP but he's checked out.

Work out how much time he actually has and ask for the same time for your hobby even if it's sitting in a late opening Costa with a book.
Having hobbies and keeping yourself other from "mum" or "dad" is important but you can't live a single person's life either. I'd not be happy with family looking after to give you a break, a break he should be providing for you if he wasn't so selfish!

Your hobby could be sleeping at a hotel twice a week overnight and leaving him to it!

He's not a good dad if he's doing that little, he should be doing 50% of non working hours. I don't get why we accept so little and then day "such a good dad!" Our children deserve more than the bare minimum as do I we.

I think some men think, why should I give up my free time when she wanted a child plus if the marriage goes pear-shaped I'll have lost all my interests and friends.
Personally, if it's seasonal it's not too bad.
Be careful striving for equality may mean incomes have to be equal too.

@Coz97 but how is this an advantage as you'll have less time available? And your Dh still does his hobbies ?

You are not being controlling - he is. All you are doing is expecting him to step up to his reponsibilities as a parent, so that you both have some respite. At the moment, he does what he likes, and you get no break from it at all.

He's a selfish twat who thinks that the majority is parenting and house stuff should be on your shoulders, despite you both working, because he has a penis and that means he doesn't have to contribute as much. He's wrong. I'm glad you're seeing this now.

Did he just expect to have a baby and keep his life exactly the same ? Of course it's not fair. It's great and healthy to have hobbies but leaving you alone with the baby for that many hours is selfish. Sounds like he just picks and chooses when he 'helps out' as long as his social life isn't interrupted. So no you're not being unreasonable in my opinion. He needs to start prioritising his family xx

Bloody hell, he's doing loads!!! Why on earth did he create a child if he didn't want his lifestyle to change?!
Have you spoken to him about going your separate ways as you said you've decided to leave?

It’s not YOU controlling his time, it’s the fact that between you, you have a 24/7 commitment that has to be shared. He’s controlling your time by not discussing ‘free time’ and instead dictating his own…

My husband has been wanting to take up golf again since we moved to the area we live in, but he simply does not have time because we children and if he took most of the day on Sunday it wouldn’t be fair on them or on me. He will have time when kids are older and don’t require constant attention and care.

He's being very selfish and not committing to family life. If this was my dh I'd be furious. You need to create some hobbies when you need to be out of the house for 4-6 hours at a time on the weekend.