Ashamed of my past

[OneBrightHare]

Just looking for some advice from some other women really, as my past has really been getting to me. I have slept with 12 people and I’m in my early twenties, and have just finished University, most of these happened between the ages of 18-20 after I was cheated on by my boyfriend at the time. I have been with my current partner for coming up to a year now and we are great together and I told him about it past as I am a very hontest person and didn’t want to keep this from him, he was upset but he has gotten over it now. I just can’t help but think that my past has tainted me and I’m this awful person for letting myself get into these situations when most of them were failed relationships or I felt pressured that I had to sleep with them. I also hate the fact that a few of them are from my hometown and I am so scared that I am going to bump into them. There is so much media etc going around at the moment that deems women who with slept with a certain amount of people as unworthy of being able to be a good partner which I know isn’t true, but it’s got to the point now where it’s all I can think about ☹️

You are the person that you are OP. He can accept it or not. Be yourself.

Please stop worrying about this. A man would be proud of that many! Don't buy into very old fashioned ideas of women. Try and move on and forget about it.

Why on earth would he be upset? What’s your past got to do with him? I had slept with at least 10 people by the time I was 20, and unless your BF has had a very sheltered life it is likely his number is not dissimilar.

He’s making you feel bad and that shows real
immaturity.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, but there ie absolutely no reason to feel bad. Is your boyfriend telling you that you’ve done something wrong? You haven’t, at all. Never let anyone make you feel like your past is bad or wrong. Plenty of people have slept with 2, 3, or 10 times as many people as you have - this doesn’t affect their value in any way. If you’ve practiced safe sex and been tested, then it is absolutely none of his business.

Your boyfriend is making you feel guilty and beneath him. I wonder why he's doing that.

Love, I’ve had more than you and have been happily married for decades. Anyone that thinks that makes you tainted is a bad person. It’s that simple.

Not sure why you felt the need to tell him how many men you'd slept with OP.

It's really not his, or any one else's business. Honesty doesn't come in to it.

Sex isn't sinful.

Why on earth was he upset?

If he was upset for you that you've felt pressured by some people to have sex that's one thing, but if, as I suspect, it's because he thinks it's too many then you should walk away from him.

How many men you've slept with is your business. It's nothing to do with him and suggests absolutely nothing bad about you, your nature or your past.

It's not 1824. If a woman wants to have sex then she's absolutely allowed. Nobody should be shaming her for it

Um...you were a grown woman who had sex with other grown adults. Who would give a single fuck about this?!

If it helps...I've been married 10 years and when I look back I actually can't remember the number of people I slept with. Probably quite similar to you but it was so long ago and it just...doesn't matter.

Ignore the 'media going round' nonsense.

Sex isn't sinful

Exactly.
I was trying to count how many men I'd slept with before I met my husband, and I lost count.

I think it's normal to have sex. I also think it's normal to be faithful, which I am.

I was a young woman in the 1970s and I (and I suspect a lot of women) took advantage of the Pill, which was newish then.

You've done nothing wrong and you're not tainted. Having sex is (or should be) fun and healthy and normal.

Any man who makes you feel bad for your "body count" is a misogynistic arsehole and not worth your time.

If you've had sex you were pushed into and didn't want in the past, then maybe that's something to talk through with a counsellor or possibly Rape Crisis.

Is that the same social media that says a woman is past her sell by date by 25 and yet the men perpetuating this shit are mid 30s? Or a woman should be a cook and cleaner whilst also usually working full time to bring money to the relationship? I am not following those men but do follow some great people who take the piss out of them.

There is nothing to feel shame about, you had sex with more than one person. You cannot change the past, there is nothing for your boyfriend to forgive or get over, you can however forgive yourself.

Look, you are here because of the choices you made, they make you into the person you are now. They led you to your now boyfriend and if you do bump into people you have slept with hold your head high. You have done nothing wrong.

Is that all????

There is so much media etc going around at the moment that deems women who with slept with a certain amount of people as unworthy of being able to be a good partner

Is there?

You didn’t have to tell him. You don’t have to discuss this stuff with anyone, it’s your history and yours alone. Did he ask or did you just bring it up one day? Either way, it’s in the past and he can have an opinion but he shouldn’t be judging your whole character based on your shag count.

The number of people you've slept with in your life has absolutely no bearing on your value as a person. There's nothing wrong with having had sex with multiple partners over your life. It doesn't make you a bad person, or unworthy, or tainted, or any of that other bollocks that Andrew Tate and his ilk spout.

Your boyfriend isn't owed your past sexual history. The only information he needs to have is whether you have an STI. Anything further than that isn't something he needs to know. You say you told him because "you're an honest person", but I bet you didn't just volunteer the information. If he pressured you to tell him, that's a red flag all in itself.

I've been with DP for 20 years, and I didn't find out how many men she'd slept with prior to me for 15 years. Because I didn't ask. And when she told me, it changed nothing, because the number of times shes had sex or who with doesn't tell me anything about her as a person.

You've done nothing wrong. Not by having sex, not by telling or not telling your boyfriend.

It's just a number, it means nothing.

Frankly you did not need to tell him the number of people you've slept with. It's private.

If someone ever asked me (which they haven't!) I'd just laugh and say I've no idea, I don't keep count.

It's a misogynistic piece of shit that holds someone's sexual past against them.

How many people has he slept with? I bet at least he wasn't coerced into half of them.

Anyone that immature who can make you feel this way does not deserve a sexual partner.

If he's bothered by how many people you've slept with -BEFORE- he came on the scene then I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to be with him. It's a very childish way to view things.

Take this as a chance to never discuss “numbers” again.

I really can’t understand why other woman would care if you slept with 20 (single!) men, or one man 20 times.

Why would a man care about it? Because the probability is that at least ten of those 20 was a marked improvement on him. And he likes to think he’s an Adonis in bed.

It’s a standard that’s imposed on women’s bodies by men. So never, ever, agree to talk about it, regardless of your “number”.

We all have a past, you can't change it and quite honestly why should you! I understand that some of the men you went with, now you're a bit older, you regret it and perhaps wish you hadn't slept with that person. We all sleep with someone that further down the line, we realise wasn't the best choice. It's part and parcel of being young, and learning from our mistakes. You shouldn't feel the need to tell a boyfriend how many men you've slept with. It's something that happened before you met him and more importantly it's none of his business. Unfortunately, some men have double standards... it's OK for him to sleep with lots of women... he's a 'bit of a lad' and gets a slap on the back from his mates. A woman has various partners and suddenly that's not acceptable and she's got 'loose morals'. You haven't done anything wrong, and you shouldn't feel that you have, and more importantly no one should make you feel, you have.

You've got nothing to be ashamed of, having sex is normal and very enjoyable. I'm sorry that you felt pressured to have sex you didn't want and perhaps therapy might help you explore this further.

I've never told anyone how many people I've slept with and it's no one's business. He's entitled to his feelings but not to make you feel bad.

There is nothing wrong with your past OP you have done nothing wrong. The only ones wrong are the ones who pressured to sleep with them.

My DD is also early 20’s and when we visited her in her Uni accommodation she had a hand drawn sign on her door. It was “top shagger” with a trophy.

She is not tainted and neither are you.

It's your business who you sleep with an how many, it's nothing to do with your current DP. As long as you are not shagging anyone behind his back that is! Admitting this stuff only makes the insecure ones worry how they compare, many are insecure.

As you get older you will realise who and how many you had sex with doesn't matter, it is who you are and what you are doing now that is important. No need to be ashamed.

Sweetie, let me tell you this. You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You have lived life, had (consenting) adult experiences. If your boyfriend has a problem, thats on HIM, not you.

Not to take away from your post, but to add some of my own lived experiences; I was single from age 21 to 27. I was also HOT. I lost my puppy weight and suddenly "came into myself". I 100% deliberately chose to stay single during those years. In that time, i slept with countless people. Too many to keep track. Perhaps hundreds. Who knows. I was promiscuous, but you know what? I was single, so I could be. I wasn't hurting anybody, I wasn't cheating. I was simply having a GREAT time!

When I met my DH and got married, aged 28, he didn't give two hoots about my past? Why? Because it's irrelevant. Doesn't affect him (or us) at all. So don't let any man tell you you are less just because you have been out there, experiencing all life has to offer.

Weak men have been trying to shame women about their sexuality forever. None of their business. Any man who has a problem with this is signalling that he will go on to have issues with your choices in life which don't align with his wishes and needs. Don't waste your time.